I only just now found out that it's #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek. My bad

So, in case it's useful during this difficult period, here's what I've learned about grief, as a neuroscientist dealing with the sharp end of it, in the month since my Dad's passing from #COVID19

/1

Firstly, you can be highly 'aware' of mental health or psychology or brain mechanisms, but that doesn't shield you from the effects of grief. This, presumably, also applies to any other mental health problem you may encounter

/2

Knowing how grief 'works' doesn't protect you from it. It's like being a mechanic in a speeding car with no breaks; you may know exactly why the brakes failed, but that information's not much use right now. You need to grip the wheel and avoid coming the harm as best you can

/3

Another thing I learned is that other people will offer you help, which is great, but that doesn't mean asking for it is easy

"Just let me know if I can do anything" is a common statement, but the 'just' suggests it's no big deal. But, for me at least, it is

/4

Could be a male thing, a pride thing, or just a 'me' thing, but I suspect much of it comes from when such a massive traumatic change hits your life, the brain instinctively clings to reliable norms even more, as a self-preservation thing

/5

Losing someone close, especially unexpectedly, is a brutal reminder that much of life is beyond our control, which stresses the brain. It also means our established understandings of the world are wrong, because the deceased was a big part of it. This also stresses the brain

/6

So, while offers of help are always well meant and appreciated, for many (i.e. me) it means a further change from the normality, and a further loss of control as it it would result in others being involved in your well being. Hence, it's a big ask, at a time of grief

/7

This isn't to say it's 'right' to deny offers of help, particularly if you genuinely need it. Of course it's much healthier, and often necessary, to have and let others help you during hard times. Nobody should struggle alone when they don't have to

/8

But that assumption that the grieving person can just *ask* for help as and when needed? That, I'd argue, is incorrect, and possibly unhelpful, so is sort of self-defeating for the person offering

An illogical setup I know, but the grieving brain isn't really great for logic

/9

I'd wager this sort of thing, the difficulty in asking for help even when needed, applies to a lot of mental health problems. Hence telling people it's 'time to talk' doesn't mean they automatically will
#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

/10

Another thing people say when you lose someone is to 'focus on the good memories'.

This is a very logical suggestion, and again well meant, but again, the brain isn't big on logic, especially when grieving.

/11

Point is, the 'good memories' of the departed aren't necessarily good when you're mired in grief. They might have the opposite effect, as they're now memories for someone who's no longer there. Instead of happy, they might be sad memories now, thus could make you feel worse

/12

This isn't guaranteed of course, and it could be a transient thing, but human memories aren't fixed or static; the brain is constantly editing and updating them, so sadness at the loss of someone can be inserted into happy memories about them

/13

This happens all the time, to everyone. You could have many happy memories with a long-term romantic partner, then discover they were cheating on you the whole time, so the happy memories are now unpleasant, because of the new information

/14

When someone breaks up with a long-term partner, people rarely tell them to 'focus on the happy memories of the relationship'. The emphasis is usually on moving on, getting over it. Forgetting about them.

/15

Obviously this would be monstrous advice to give to someone grieving, but it's the same neurological processes controlling and updating your memory in both instances, even if the suggestions from others are completely the opposite. Good memories are 'tainted' now

/16

Luckily, the brain adjusts for this. The fading affect bias is the phenomenon whereby memories for negative emotional experiences don't last as long as positive ones, so the memories will return to being good (if bittersweet) ones, given time

/17

It does suggest that 'focus on the good memories' is advice for further down the line though, rather than right after someone's experienced a loss.

Each to their own, of course. This is just my own experience, and every brain (and therefore person) is different

/18

Speaking of, it's hard to overstate how social an emotion grief is. It literally exists purely in the context of someone else, who is no longer here. So many of our emotions are like this, like embarrassment, guilt etc. We only feel them if other people are involved

/19

[N.B. some might argue that you can feel guilt without anyone else around, like when you overindulge on something, but technically that's shame. Let yourself down = shame, let others down = guilt. Although there is debate about this https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1996-01769-013 ]

/20

But I've been dealing with my grief during lockdown. I'm not allowed to see friends and family, when ordinarily I'd be surrounded by them constantly at a time like this

I can't say it's made it 'even harder', because I've no basis of comparison. But it's been seriously hard

/21

My kids have been a brilliant anchor and motivator, they make me smile constantly. But, they're 8 and 4, and enduring a stressful societal upheaval. They can't see their friends, can't go out, and just lost their granddad. I have to be there for them, not the other way round

/22

So, it's meant swallowing my grief and any desire to crawl into a ball and hide from the world for a day, and powering through, acting normally. Is this doing me harm in the long run? I don't know, maybe. I'd rather not suppress my emotion, but not got much option right now

/23

Ordinarily, I'd be talking about it all to my family and friends, but that's much harder to do over Zoom etc. And the things people would normally offer to help with (babysitting, cooking, cleaning etc.) are verboten. It just makes it harder

/24

The social aspect of grief has, I feel, been overlooked during #Covid19. We're told that every person who dies leaves behind a grieving family, but those families are all grieving in isolation, alone. The knock on effects will be, I feel, severe
#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

/25

Another thing that grief does, I've found, is knock your emotions totally out of whack. This wasn't a surprise, obviously, but knowing something will happen and experiencing it happen is, like I said, a very different ball game.

/26

I've found myself crying at random times, due to no discernible trigger, or a weirdly innocuous or mundane one. I think Sue Townsend wrote about Adrian Mole crying over a Yorkshire pudding tin when his gran died. That's a thing that actually happens, it turns out

/27

And found myself reacting angrily (and undeniably unfairly) to people who have just been trying to help. I started to feel that all the 'Sorry for your loss' messages were the equivalent to 'Thoughts and prayers'; just something to make others feel better, not me

/28

I consciously know this was nonsense and never acted on this feeling, but a lot of undischarged anger at what I was going through had built up in my brain, and it took effort to not direct it at innocent people

This isn't typical for me. Grief just changes you, you know?

/29

Thing is, even if I did react angrily and snapped at people who only wanted the best for me, they'd probably have understood and not minded. But *I* mind. Yelling at people only ever makes me feel worse, so that would have helped nobody at that point.

/30

Another example of the 'being aware of it doesn't make it easier to deal with' thing; the stereotype of men not being emotional. I know better than most how that's utter nonsense, but when it came down to it, societal conditioning was a lot more potent than expected

/31

My female relatives were openly crying constantly, and I felt both the urge to 'man up' (a vile phrase but the correct one here) to help them (which they never asked for), and genuine resentment at their ability to cry so readily

Not resentment at *them*, just that capacity

/32

I have cried of course, multiple times, but typically when alone. I know it's ludicrous and probably harmful, but it doesn't feel right, or *safe* even, to do it in front of others (it's easiER, if not easy, to do it in front of my wife). This is not ideal, I know that

/33

Can arguably blame my dad for this in part; he conformed to the 'big strong provider' man role quite faithfully, and that's bound to have rubbed off

It's grim that, for men, being unemotional and stoic is seen as a vital quality so often. It's genuinely harmful

/34

The typical brain struggles to ask for necessary help during hard times, due to loss of control or normality. If not asking for help is a core aspect of your identity too? It'll be much harder again

Helps explain male suicide rates, I'd argue

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

/35

There's probably more going on, have only been dealing with grief myself for a month now, so will see what happens

Thing is, I've done this long thread, but perhaps the most important thing I've learned is that everyone grieves differently, so feel free to ignore it all

/36

It's hard to know how anyone will or is dealing with their grief. But if I had one bit of advice; please don't tell anyone how they should be grieving. You don't know. You CAN'T know.

/37

Make suggestions, offer support, tell them what helped you, just be a shoulder to cry on. But don't ever tell anyone what they *need* to do, or what they *should* be doing. Nobody benefits from being told they're grieving *wrong*. What worked for you need not work for them

/38

I'd say the exact same applies to anyone dealing with a mental health issue too. Suggest things, tell them what helped you, offer support, but don't firmly tell them what they *should* be doing or experiencing. That's something you can never really know

/end