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Leaving an abusive relationship is nothing like leaving a normal relationship. If you care to support a friend leaving someone you think is abusive, take the time to read up on it. Don& #39;t judge or abandon them if they don& #39;t behave as you& #39;d like or expect them to.
It takes women an average of 7 times to leave an abuser, and many never do. The abuser uses a range of sophisticated manipulative tactics to hook & & #39;keep& #39; the victim. These tactics change brain chemistry & the victim becomes hooked on a chaotic system of intermittent rewards.
The tactics used in cults to keep members loyal and brainwashed are remarkably similar. The abuser has studied you and will give you exactly what you need, intermittently. Believe it or not, getting that reward randomly creates a chemical high in the brain that is addictive.
These relationships and their sway over victims are incredibly complex and not normal in any way. The victim has to deal with massive amounts of cognitive dissonance, because nothing makes sense. The person who tell you he wants to be with you forever simultaneously devalues you.
As normal, healthy adults don& #39;t behave like that, we struggle to make sense of this contradiction and confusion and our brains and need to choose one reality or the other. We minimise the abuse and cling onto the good. We rationalise abuse away while our guts scream the truth.
The cycle of abuse is a common tactic used, in which the abuser exalts the victim, praising and love bombing them, then, when the victim questions the abuse or behaves in an undesirable way, is devalued and then discarded. This cycle can repeat and escalate rapidly over time.
It& #39;s dizzying and disorienting. You& #39;re left wondering why someone who "loves" you treats you so badly. You cling to the good and hope they will change and stop their behaviour. But it only gets worse.
By the time you realise what& #39;s going on, you& #39;re caught up in a cycle of performance, walking on eggshells and never knowing what will happen or emerge, yet hoping for the best, that golden period, to return. You are emotionally attached to someone who doesn& #39;t value you.
This thread is a crude and simplistic way of describing the utterly confusing and complicated nature of a relationship with an abuser. It can be a lonely experience and even lonelier to leave and recover from. Not many understand it and not many understand the nature of recovery.
If you know someone who needs help leaving, read up on it. Call a DV helpline and ask for advice. Don& #39;t assume it& #39;s like leaving a normal relationship. Don& #39;t be angry if they return to the abuser. It& #39;s likely they will. Help them learn and value themselves. Talk to them about it.
Don& #39;t give up on them if you want to help. Encourage them to call a DV helpline too or to seek out a feminist therapist versed in abuse and trauma counselling. It took me 6 months to face what was happening. I come from a background of abuse, as many victims do.
We have learnt over our lifetimes that we aren& #39;t of much value to others, so when we get caught up with yet another abuser, it feels normal. We also tend to minimise abuse and give oodles of love but not expect any in return. These are patterns we& #39;ve learnt.
We are often empaths, codependents who thrive on giving, often at our own expense. We want to see the good in everybody. We want to rescue and love and heal everybody. We understand the pain of rejection and abuse and don& #39;t want anyone else to feel unloved. So we give and give.
We give even to those who are broken, especially those who are broken. In them, we see our (broken) selves. We want to feel loveable too, so we love them. And giving love is also like a drug. It feels damn fine to love someone. It& #39;s hard to just switch that off too.
Anyway, this has been a brief summary of why it& #39;s hard to leave an abuser. It& #39;s important to also note that leaving an abuser can be one of the most dangerous times for the victim. If you are helping a friend leave, please research this and have safety plans in place.
Once again, there are resources online about how to do this, and DV phone hotlines you can call. I will add some references below to useful information for those interested.
Stockholm syndrome is a common outcome of being with an abuser. This is an excellent article by Dr Joe Carver. This is a great explanation of why it can be hard to leave.
httpp://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html
httpp://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html
Duluth model power and control wheels with excellent videos https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/">https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/un...
Cycle of abuse with excellent information and video https://fairytaleshadows.com/outsmart-the-narcissist-a-guide-to-breaking-the-idealize-devalue-discard-hoover-cycle/">https://fairytaleshadows.com/outsmart-...
Article explaining cognitive dissonance https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-biggest-weapon-narcissists-use-against-us-our-own-minds/">https://fairytaleshadows.com/the-bigge...
Phone resources in Australia include @WIREwomensinfo and @1800RESPECT.
Great books include Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
What is family (domestic) violence? I didn& #39;t even realise I was being abused until someone explained it to me. https://www.wire.org.au/what-is-family-violence/">https://www.wire.org.au/what-is-f...
https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-planning/">https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-...
It& #39;s also incredibly important to remember that domestic violence and abuse are not just physical. Domestic violence also includes such things as psychological, financial, verbal, sexual, emotional and cyber abuse.
I hope this thread has helped someone, somewhere. I aim to increase awareness of abuse and domestic violence through Twitter and through my creative work. We can all do better to support victims of abuse and to increase our own awareness & the awareness of others. Thank you 
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Somehow these resources didn& #39;t thread properly: Excellent YouTube channels include those by Richard Grannon, Dr Ramani, Sam Vaknin and HG Tudor. HG Tudor& #39;s website is a great resource too, but not for the faint of heart. He is a self-professed malignant narcissist & may trigger
And I want to draw attention again to this excellent brochure on leaving and recovering from an abuser. Somehow it didn& #39;t get added to the original thread properly: https://fairytaleshadows.com/free-recovery-toolkit/">https://fairytaleshadows.com/free-reco...
