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#thread - There were times when I was so angry at myself for questioning Allah's religion that I'd inflict harm on myself in order to punish myself for doing so.
Trigger warning : #selfharm
Trigger warning : #selfharm
I internalised so much misery that I wanted to prepare myself for going to hell by showering in blistering water - the only way to acclimatise to the searing temperatures of Jahannam because I realised I'm gay.
I may have even damaged my skin.
I may have even damaged my skin.
I spent most nights during my doubting phase in tears because of the pressure it presented.
I would try and strangle myself and suffocate myself to a point of almost passing out, just so the thoughts could stop.
Insomnia was in full swing.
I would try and strangle myself and suffocate myself to a point of almost passing out, just so the thoughts could stop.
Insomnia was in full swing.
Something else I'd do was to become physically violent without any impulse control. I would punch myself in my face, with my own bare knuckles and scratch my neck and upper arms because I hated myself for doubting Allah words.
I became a slouch and has no concept of personal hygiene.
It was a horrifying time.
It was a horrifying time.
I think back to the pain I felt, to the grief I had experienced in letting my own indoctrinated self go into the abyss, and all I can do is pat myself on the back for having overcome that.
I had no one I could speak to about Islam (apart from someone who was part of an LGBT Muslims group), no best friend I could confide in about these particular issues. And I suffered with depression and suicidal ideation for years.
I wished myself away.
Leaving Islam gave me life. It gave me scars I'd always carry but only as a reminder of that which I had overcome.
Leaving Islam gave me life. It gave me scars I'd always carry but only as a reminder of that which I had overcome.
I have since left most of that behind. I still have mental health issues because of my upbringing but for the most part I have overcome the torment during my teenage years.
I hate that my fellow human beings born into a raging fire have to burn first before they can run to safety.
It shouldn't be that way.
#exmuslimbecause
It shouldn't be that way.
#exmuslimbecause
Wow genuinely feeling emotional after writing that.
I was such a broken child. Now as an adult I work extra hard to put back only the pieces that fit.
No more forcing myself into becoming someone I'm not.
I was such a broken child. Now as an adult I work extra hard to put back only the pieces that fit.
No more forcing myself into becoming someone I'm not.
