#thread - There were times when I was so angry at myself for questioning Allah's religion that I'd inflict harm on myself in order to punish myself for doing so.

Trigger warning : #selfharm

I internalised so much misery that I wanted to prepare myself for going to hell by showering in blistering water - the only way to acclimatise to the searing temperatures of Jahannam because I realised I'm gay.

I may have even damaged my skin.

I spent most nights during my doubting phase in tears because of the pressure it presented.

I would try and strangle myself and suffocate myself to a point of almost passing out, just so the thoughts could stop.

Insomnia was in full swing.

Something else I'd do was to become physically violent without any impulse control. I would punch myself in my face, with my own bare knuckles and scratch my neck and upper arms because I hated myself for doubting Allah words.

I became a slouch and has no concept of personal hygiene.

It was a horrifying time.

I think back to the pain I felt, to the grief I had experienced in letting my own indoctrinated self go into the abyss, and all I can do is pat myself on the back for having overcome that.

I had no one I could speak to about Islam (apart from someone who was part of an LGBT Muslims group), no best friend I could confide in about these particular issues. And I suffered with depression and suicidal ideation for years.

I wished myself away.

Leaving Islam gave me life. It gave me scars I'd always carry but only as a reminder of that which I had overcome.

I have since left most of that behind. I still have mental health issues because of my upbringing but for the most part I have overcome the torment during my teenage years.

I hate that my fellow human beings born into a raging fire have to burn first before they can run to safety.

It shouldn't be that way.

#exmuslimbecause

Wow genuinely feeling emotional after writing that.

I was such a broken child. Now as an adult I work extra hard to put back only the pieces that fit.

No more forcing myself into becoming someone I'm not.