sometimes I wonder what Christianity--and therefore the western world--would look like if different gospels were in the canon

and in general, I think history would probably have been even nastier

BUT

(thread)

So generally I feel like the reason the four canonical gospels were chosen was because they were the most noncommittal (other than John)--they don't really *conflict* with a Gnostic interpretation, but they don't actively support one, either.

like, as mystical as they are, relatively speaking, they're among the *least* mystical options

they also involve relatively little Asshole Jesus

allow me to introduce you to the Infancy Gospel of Thomas

You may have heard of the Gospel of Thomas, which is probably the most famous noncanonical gospel out there

this is not the same thing

this is...

how do I even describe it

ok, let me back up

so most scholars date the gospels actually IN the NT from about 60 CE to 110 CE. So none of them were written by people who actually knew Jesus, if he existed, but they may have been based on a source (the Q document) by people who did

so the Infancy Gospel of Thomas was written before 185 CE, when Irenaeus was ranting about it, and after 80 CE, since it borrows from Luke and that's probably when Luke was written

point being: as these things go, it's pretty old--this isn't fanfic written way later or whatevs

so anyway, the first thing baby Jesus does is make some clay sparrows on Shabbat which freaks everyone out in the way that only Jews written by Christians freak out, because he's 5 years old and 5-year-olds playing with mud on Shabbat is not, like, a big deal

so anyway, Kid Jesus is there with another kid, who takes a stick and stirs a mud pool Kid Jesus made

so Kid Jesus turns him into a mummy

so the now-mummy kid's parents are understandably upset that their toddler got mummified for stirring some water with a stick and they go to complain to Joseph that his little holy terror of a son is desiccating people

meanwhile, Kid Jesus is running around town

so another kid is running around town and bumps Kid Jesus's shoulder.

so Kid Jesus kills him.

so anyway, Joseph now has TWO sets of angry parents being like "my dude, your son is killing little kids which is profoundly Not Cool"

so Joseph goes to have a talk with Kid Jesus about how we don't just straight-up murder toddlers who bump into us

and so Joseph sits Kid Jesus down and is like "look, son, we're being persecuted (translation: asked to stop) now because you're murdering children so maybe stop it?"

and Kid Jesus says "aw, Dad, I know you don't mean it"

and...

...strikes the parents complaining that he's murdered their kids blind.

so Joseph twists his ear and Kid Jesus tells him to quit it and leave him alone to do his murdering in peace

so there's this teacher named Zacchaeus who for some reason is IMPRESSED by all this and is like, "your kid is so wise, my dude, let me teach him"

but apparently he was okay at teaching the alphabet:

"And he told him all the letters from Alpha even to Omega clearly"

Kid Jesus, on the other hand, is the worst student ever and is all:

"thou hypocrite, first, if thou knowest it, teach the Alpha, and then will we believe thee concerning the Beta."

it's unclear whether he actually understands the definition of the term "hypocrite"

and Zacchaeus, who's clearly a hardcore masochist, is all like:

"Woe is me, wretch that I am, I am confounded: I have brought shame to myself by drawing to me this young child"

and he's like "this 5-year-old who yelled at me about the order of the letters is CLEARLY an angel or a god":

seriously:

"he is somewhat great, whether god or angel or what I should call him, I know not."

And Kid Jesus is like yup, I'm here to make you all miserable:

"I am come from above that I may curse them, and call them to the things that are above, even as he commanded which hath sent me for your sakes."

But Kid Jesus goes ahead and heals everyone he cursed, and after that, everyone's afraid to contradict him, because they are *literally terrified he will maim them.*

I'm serious: "And no man after that durst provoke him, lest he should curse him, and he should be maimed."

so then Kid Jesus and some other kids (I'm hesitant to characterize them as his friends) are playing in the upper story of a house and a kid falls out a window and dies

so the dead kid's parents are like clearly this kid that's already straight-up murdered 2 other kids did it

so Kid Jesus raises the other kid from the dead

not because, you know, he's a little kid who fell out a window and died and that's tragic, or because his parents are grieving or whatever

no, he raises him from the dead so the dead kid can back him up that he didn't murder him

so then Kid Jesus turns six and for a little while it seems like he's going to be less of a serial killer

he carries some water to his mom after the pitcher breaks, and uses his superpowers to help his dad with carpentry

but then his dad decides that he's six so it's really time he learned his ABCs and now that he's a little older maybe he won't be so much of an asshole to his teachers

so he gets a new teacher, and this one isn't as submissive as the last one

so Kid Jesus is an asshole to this teacher too, but this one smacks him upside the head for mouthing off

so Kid Jesus kills him (or maybe just puts him in a coma)

so Joseph is like maybe we just homeschool him

but there's a teacher who's like PUT ME IN, COACH

and Joseph is like look my dude my murder-child has a 100% teacher-killing rate, are you sure?

and the teacher's like I CAN DO IT

oh wait, Teacher #1 lived because he groveled, I forgot

anyway, Teacher #3 also grovels, which pleases Kid Jesus so much that he heals Teacher #2

so then Kid Jesus's brother James gets bitten by a snake and Jesus heals him which is nice I guess but James best thank him thoroughly or he might get murdered like every other kid in the village

and then a baby gets sick and dies and Kid Jesus resurrects him and the villagers are like:

"Of a truth this young child is either a god or an angel of God; for every word of his is a perfect work."

because they have the world's shortest memories

So a guy dies & Kid Jesus resurrects him & they're all:

"This young child is from heaven: for he hath saved many souls from death, and hath power to save them all his life long"

which IGNORES THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE HE RESURRECTED WERE DEAD IN THE FIRST PLACE BC HE KILLED THEM

And then there's a paragraph about him teaching in the Temple when he was 12 that's very similar to the one in Luke and that's a wrap.

Behold: the Infancy Gospel of Thomas

and this shit was apparently VERY POPULAR

so yeah, one of the more popular early Christian bestsellers was, just to sum up:

Jesus murders a bunch of people, maims anyone who objects, brings them back to life, and everyone who witnesses it thinks that everything he does is perfect after he terrifies them into submission.

Anyway, I'm not making this up, you know.

http://gnosis.org/library/inftoma.htm

In conclusion: good thing that one didn't get added to the canon.