I think it’s about time to talk about this/make this thread

We’ll kick this off with the start of 2017 and probably-if we’re friends- you’ll figure out where this is going and obviously I’ll be deleting all this by tomorrow

Throughout the first half of 2017, Hya was the not so typical badass highschool senior. Top of her class, already on a good career path, usually in a relationship/messing around, usually drunk by night, had a ton ton of friends and was a reckless yet skilled driver. (Fight me)

Then comes the second half, it starts with a good relationship, a stable-ish job, a load of fun times, a second relationship, a downwards spiral at work, at enrolling in a moajor Hya doesn’t even like for “future purposes” followed by a mental breakdown haircut ofc

The last quarter was literally where it ALL went wrong. Word of advice,kids; self medicating depression symptoms with alcohol and sleeping pills CAN AND WILL drive you off a cliff.
Here, Hya started making desperate attempts to make herself feel okay even if momentarily

Yolo-ing 24/7 with unplanned solo crosscity roadtrips and , drinking her ass off, going out with friends doing stupid shit, etc etc etc

These two pictures were taken by my best friend in a bar during a on day trip to Alexandria on Wednesday 20th of December 2017. Exactly two days before my nearly fatal suicide attempt.

Friday, December 22nd, 2017
I woke up around 8 am after sleeping at 6 am, took a nice long shower, dressed up in something nice, and skipped breakfast to go have breakfast with my childhood best friend in Dreamland (given that I live in Heliopolis it’s one hell of a drive)

I was also supposed to meet my other best friend afterwards somewhere else around 6th Of October that day.
I hopped into my car, bought two pcks of cigarettes which wouldn’t have lasted a day at the time, and headed on my way. I was just listening to music and smoking until idrk

There’s a bit of a plot hole here but the next thing I know, I’m intentionally pulling my hand breaks on top speed and spinning the wheel; intentionally flipping my car while crying my eyes out.
Sidenote: I was 100% sober.

The next few days were a haze but -as I was told- I died a couple of times, fractued most of my bones,had a brain injury, had a cardiac arrest, lungs almost drowned in my own blood, almost lost an eye,and was 2.5cm away from spinal cord complete cut also bouncing thru 3 hospitals

I really don’t know why or how I lived through this first week but I did. I got transferred to the third hospital’s medium risk cases ICU where I have seen my worst days.I was the youngest there, nurses were a nightmare, I was on a ton of Tramadole which didn’t even stop the pain

After a ton of nursing/doctor mistakes and misdiagnosis, I had complete lung failure and my heart almost stopped again. I was put on a ventilator and there wasn’t even enough time to sedate me so it was obviously a traumatizing and extremely painful experience.

[graphic content alert]
I had tubes and wires everywhere, I was unable to speak due to the ventilator tube, I was on a ton of heavy pain meds -lol like that made much of a difference- and yeah, the doctors didn’t even know what was wrong with me

I was barely even conscious. I mean I was conscious enough to feel everything and know that I was dying but not conscious enough to be aware of my surroundings. It was a never ending cycle of pain everyday till I fell into a coma

And yes when you’re in a coma you hear what’s going on around you if you listen closely. I had to listen to my parents weeping to me daily begging me to wake up, nurses saying I was dead anyway and doctors talking to me saying “please don’t make us pull the plug you’re too young”

Istg I tried kicking and screaming my lungs out but I was trapped inside my own body fighting to stay aware of my surroundings, to stay awake even if I wasn’t on the outside. I was kind of thankful I could no longer feel the physical pain and I wanted to just let go and rest.

I could almost hear my own voice saying “isn’t that what you wanted from the start? Why don’t you just leave? They’re better off mourning your death than seeing you like this everyday and it’s your time to rest too, little girl”

But my dad kept coming telling me stories or simply talking about philosophy, art, history, anything. My mum rarely cried around me and just sang old lullabies and talked about how beautiful I was and how she dreams of me everyday.

My parents always apologized about not letting my sister visit so she wouldn’t see me like this. But when all hope was lost they brought her to kind of say goodbye and she snapped at me. She started swearing and calling me a selfish bitch for leaving her alone.

She kept saying she’ll hate me forever if I died now for leaving her and asked her famous irrelevant question “Enti sharmouta leeh?!” Which I don’t understand to this day

Another plot hole, then a day later I woke up and entered the damned cycle of pain again. I was a little more conscious but still unable to speak. My friends were allowed to visit at the time but not too much. It felt a little less mentally painful when they were there tho.

My best friend watched me struggling to breath for hours during a process where they gradually take you off the ventilator. Yeah this was also excruciatingly painful.Struggling to breath for hours not knowing if it’ll end or if you’ll be put back on the ventilator.

I was taken off on valentines day(14 Feb) and taken to an ICU isolation due to infections I had and my shitty immunity. And on February 26th we celebrated my 19th bday
IN THE DAMN ICU IKR
I was a breathing better but my I had blood poisoning which was sleeping to my organs still

Starting midnight that day untill noon the next day I was again dying. My lungs were failing again and no one really knew why, my blood tests were shitty, and the doctors tried everything to keep me away from a third ventilation but nothing worked. So that’s how I kicked off 19.

Before they sedated me, I gave my dad my necklace and told him I’ll be back to take it and hugged both my parents goodbye (yeah I knew I was lying sue me!) And after they walked out I told my favorite doctor that I knew I was dying and that it’s not their fault.

So yeah I didn’t die but I later went through a cycle of viscous antibiotics treatment a little similar to chemo which they tried as a desperate attempt to save my life from blood poisoning. Eventually losing half my hair and weight.But at least my friends were there all the time

Then came the desperate attempts to find a surgeon willing to guarantee at least a 10% chance that I’d eventually be able to walk again after surgery. I mean my bone situation was a disaster (lol as if everything else wasn’t)which was followed by tons of “she’ll never walk again”

Eventually we found one willing to do it the risks were *drumroll* 80% bleeding to death& 5-10% paralysis. Bum bum teshh.
Buttt that’s how I went into surgery
And yeah, over 20 of my friends waited outside the OR for 10 hours straight till I came out.Then once again a week after

After getting out of the hospital (and going through an excruciating drug withdrawal) I spent almost 6 more month on a wheelchair. But yourr girl was out and about nevertheless.

I later checked into a physical rehabilitation center and stood up for the first time (and damn boy that was painful)
Idk if it’s obvious but I took this picture while crying my eyes out.

Here’s a video of Hayoya learning to stit/standup

First steps

I celebrated my birthday on February 26th 2018 on crutches against doctors’ orders and left the physiotherapy center in May 2018 on crutches and using the wheelchair for long distances (which we later threw away bc bitch you gotta man up)

Doctors thought I wouldn’t be able to walk with crutches all the time because I mainly won’t be able to handle the pain. (And yeah they’re right I was screaming my lungs out by the end of the day the first time I had a normal day on crutches) yet I just got used to it

So yeah now I’ve come a long way but I still got a long way to go and I really don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it up.

The thing is, the physical pain never goes away it even gets worse sometimes. I just learn to deal with it and sometimes I can’t, sometimes I give up. I’m tired.

It’s Monday, May 18th 2020. Almost three years since I was last able to drive, go to a concert and dance till I drop, go to work, hit the gym, or do anything of the things which made me Hya. The lively, reliable, outgoing friend.I was the definition of life now I’m just dull.

I mean I’m surrounded by the most amazing people ever who have been with me through hell, I’m stronger, wiser and more mature than I’ve ever been but the pain has dulled me out. I’m tired. I’m just really really really tired of fighting all the time.