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cw: eating disorder
kirishima is loud at lunch he’s loud and he laughs a lot and talks a lot and his friends don’t notice that his hands shake a little. they shake because he can count exactly how many calories aren’t on his plate without having to look it up
kirishima is loud at lunch he’s loud and he laughs a lot and talks a lot and his friends don’t notice that his hands shake a little. they shake because he can count exactly how many calories aren’t on his plate without having to look it up
and he can eat them and he should eat them because they have training later that afternoon. but when he tries to his hands shake because a dozen different voices yell at him at the same time. they all sound different but they all sound like him and if he can just
wait to eat until right before training because between that and lunch there’s a test and the only thing that’s going to keep the noise down in his head is an empty stomach.
if he doesn’t eat then he doesn’t have to try to think over the voices that blend together into a static
if he doesn’t eat then he doesn’t have to try to think over the voices that blend together into a static
of the same repetitive phrases of how undeserving he was of that and how disgusting his lack of self control is
if he can just skip lunch he can have a snack after the test and he doesn’t have to think over the static of letting himself down
if he can just skip lunch he can have a snack after the test and he doesn’t have to think over the static of letting himself down
and he doesn’t have to see his friends think that he is fucking stupid because he can’t get his brain to focus on math. and he’ll let them think it’s just his adhd because how the fuck is he supposed to tell them that it’s because he can only focus on the number of calories
that was on his plate at lunch and the number of calories he ate and how many were from sugar and what does he have to do to burn it off and does he have gum in his backpack because it’s not too late to throw it up if he can fill up his water bottle and chug it on the way to the-
“bro you haven’t touched your food”
and he’ll laugh. he’ll laugh and make a show of taking a bite and laugh again and make a joke about how he would be done by now if his friends hadn’t kept distracting him
and he’ll try to get his chopsticks to bring the food to his mouth but it feels like trying to touch two magnets together that have the same charge. no matter how hard he physically tries it just.. won’t come together
but luckily lunch ends
and he has enough time to empty his water so that there’s enough on his stomach so he can effectively empty that too
and he has enough time to empty his water so that there’s enough on his stomach so he can effectively empty that too
and he can focus
it sucks that he had to take the few bites he did, but it’s better to have to deal with it later than to have to answer questions
but in the locker room, while they’re changing and kirishima is eating a fat free sugar free protein bar his best friend looks at him and he asks him questions
“fuck was up with you at lunch. you always get like that before a test”
kirishima feels like the bar he was chewing turned to tar in his mouth. he just wanted bakugo to shut up
kirishima feels like the bar he was chewing turned to tar in his mouth. he just wanted bakugo to shut up
“just test anxiety. you know that.”
“yeah”
iida makes an announcement that they have thirty seconds before they’re supposed to be dressed and standing ready for aizawas instructions
“yeah”
iida makes an announcement that they have thirty seconds before they’re supposed to be dressed and standing ready for aizawas instructions
bakugo drops the questioning and kirishima drops the protein bar in the trash
he fucks one of his classmates that night. a girl. he doesn’t even know if he likes fucking girls but he likes the way they make him feel manly, he likes the audible reactions. their moans and their praises.
he likes fucking them because it’s nice to ride the high of someone
he likes fucking them because it’s nice to ride the high of someone
finding his body desirable. his body can make someone else’s feel good and he can temporarily hate it a little less. he can turn them around and fuck them from behind and they don’t even have to look at him they can just keep telling him how good he’s making them feel
kirishima has at least known he was bi his whole life but the older he gets the more he thinks maybe he’s just gay. not that he’s ever been with a guy. but when he watches porn it’s always guys. and he always cums the quickest when hes fantasizing about being the one pounded into
he likes when the tops talk a lot. when they tell the bottom how good they and how good they feel. he almost always searches homemade and even sometimes searches “real couple” but he knows how that goes
he likes when the tops are blond too
and kind of cocky. and kind of loud.
when he lays in his bed that night he’s over all happy with himself. his stomach makes noises but he doesn’t feel the pain of being hungry anymore. which he’s thankful for in some ways because he knows it means he’s been staying strong for a while. his brains finally giving in
but on the other hand he misses falling asleep in that pain. being happy about it. proud of it. he did it another day. his pathetic self actually exhibited some self control.
he can be proud of that.
he drinks half a water bottle and leaves the rest for when he wakes up
he can be proud of that.
he drinks half a water bottle and leaves the rest for when he wakes up
a week later and kirishima passes out outside of his dorm. right in the hallway in the morning when he was leaving for class
bakugo finds him like that. and gets in trouble for being disrespectful to recovery girl when he calls her an old hag for making him leave kirishima to go to class
kirishima wakes up and he’s disoriented. he’s got a headache and the room is bright as fuck when he opens his eyes to look around
theres an iv in his arm and he panics
theres an iv in his arm and he panics
no no no no no no no no no no
he can’t breathe. he’s got to get the fuck out of here. he’s got to get the oc out of his arm. they’re gonna know. they’re gonna fucking know! and he’s going to have to go to a hospital and they’re going to make him eat and they’re not gonna
he can’t breathe. he’s got to get the fuck out of here. he’s got to get the oc out of his arm. they’re gonna know. they’re gonna fucking know! and he’s going to have to go to a hospital and they’re going to make him eat and they’re not gonna
(Cw: suicidal ideation)
understand. they’re not going to know that the feeling of his stomach being full makes him want to harden his hand and rip it right out. they’re not gonna understand and he’s not going on there. if the school makes him go to a hospital he’ll just kill himself before he gets the-
“oh sweetie you’re awake!”
he can’t speak and he can’t swallow, his mouth and throat are too dry. so he just smiles and nods
he can’t speak and he can’t swallow, his mouth and throat are too dry. so he just smiles and nods
“you scared your friend there, but you were just a bit dehydrated. after this iv I’ll just take a few vitals and if you’re feeling ok you’ll be good to go if everything looks good. no training today, you need to drink more fluids young man.”
a figure walks into the room
a figure walks into the room
“glad to see you’re up.”
aizawa sensei
kirishima still hasn’t spoken
aizawa sensei
kirishima still hasn’t spoken
“don’t expect to be a hero if you can’t take care of your own health. it starts there. drink water.”
kirishima nods. he’s dizzy.
“we have a training exercise the rest of the day, but I want you to sit it out.”
kirishima nods. he’s dizzy.
“we have a training exercise the rest of the day, but I want you to sit it out.”
kirishima looks down at his lap. he’ll just have to work our on his room. there’s no way he’s going a whole day without a workout. then anxiety hits. they haven’t mentioned anything about him not eating. what are they waiting for? they have to be suspicious
and then something else hits him. something worse. they’re not suspicious. he doesn’t look sick. he doesn’t look like he skips meals. they’re not going to ask how he’s eating.
it’s not even going to cross their minds
it’s not even going to cross their minds
he’s so relieved
half of him is. well most of him is
a small part. the stupidest part of kirishima is disappointed
half of him is. well most of him is
a small part. the stupidest part of kirishima is disappointed
disappointed in himself piled on top of disappointed in general
he avoids bakugo
when he knocks on his door after class he texts him that he’s tired and wants to sleep
bakugo doesn’t answer the text but he does go into his own room
when he knocks on his door after class he texts him that he’s tired and wants to sleep
bakugo doesn’t answer the text but he does go into his own room
kirishima turns over and hugs his water bottle to his chest. he curls up his legs and stares straight ahead
how fucking stupid was he to think they would be worried. no one worries about him. no one thinks of him when he’s not around.
how fucking stupid was he to think they would be worried. no one worries about him. no one thinks of him when he’s not around.
he takes a drink of his water then goes back to cradling it
he used to fantasize sometimes. about someone watching him closely enough to notice. someone busting down his door. telling him to eat. telling him they needed him to live because they love him they need him
he used to fantasize sometimes. about someone watching him closely enough to notice. someone busting down his door. telling him to eat. telling him they needed him to live because they love him they need him
but that fantasy is long gone. that fantasy died with whatever part of him that dreamt it up. and it can stay buried with it
because as tears run down kiris face. while he’s staring at the wall silently holding a water bottle like it alone is enough to sustain him
because as tears run down kiris face. while he’s staring at the wall silently holding a water bottle like it alone is enough to sustain him
no ones coming
and he doesn’t want them to anymore. because back then maybe it’s something that could have been stopped.
it’s hopeless now. like it’s more apart of him than he is. it’s the black sludge that replaced the blood in his veins and it pulls him like a puppet on a string
it’s hopeless now. like it’s more apart of him than he is. it’s the black sludge that replaced the blood in his veins and it pulls him like a puppet on a string
and it’s comfortable, somehow. giving up to it feels like having control of it again. in a way.
kiri thinks about that when he takes another sip of water
and he thinks about it as he falls asleep
kiri thinks about that when he takes another sip of water
and he thinks about it as he falls asleep
an eating disorder is the only terminal mental illness.
that’s what bakugos google search says
that’s what bakugos google search says
when you have an eating disorder one of two things happen: you get better or you die
and even if you do get better you have to stay better.
which, according to some girls recovery blog, is a daily battle
which, according to some girls recovery blog, is a daily battle
he doesn’t know what the fuck to do
and according to this bitches blog until kirishima wants him to do something, there’s not much that he can do
and according to this bitches blog until kirishima wants him to do something, there’s not much that he can do
he’ll start small, he guessed, and see where to go from there
the next day at lunch kirishima isn’t eating. he’s drank his water and filled it up again to drink it half of the way down, but he doesn’t touch any of the food in front of him
bakugo remembers something he read multiple times online
he quietly takes kirishimas food from where it sits next to him and cuts it into halves
he quietly takes kirishimas food from where it sits next to him and cuts it into halves
kiri notices but the rest of the table doesn’t
he looks at bakugo curiously and bakugo can see the anxiety already on his face
“just eat half”
kirishima looks mad, but also a little like he’s about to cry
he looks at bakugo curiously and bakugo can see the anxiety already on his face
“just eat half”
kirishima looks mad, but also a little like he’s about to cry
“I’m not a fucking toddler you don’t have to cut my meals up for me”
he takes his water bottle and book bag and leaves
the table looks at bakugo and he yells at them to mind their business
he takes his water bottle and book bag and leaves
the table looks at bakugo and he yells at them to mind their business
kirishima feels gross as he walks away he feels a little like he’s floating in the middle of the ocean. totally and completely exposed, just waiting to be attacked
and who does bakugo think he is anyways? who just takes their friends food and- and fucking portions it for them? that’s fucking weird that’s a weird thing to do he’s not his mom. why would he even do that
why would he even think to do that
why would he even think to do that
his chest feels tight as he shuts himself in a bathroom stall
he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine
he’s got it under control
it’s all under control
he’s fine
he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine
he’s got it under control
it’s all under control
he’s fine
he feels like he can’t breathe
what were bakugos intentions? what did he even think he was doing? It’s not a big deal, breathe because it’s not a big deal it’s under control
he’ll pretend it didn’t happen
they’ll go back to class and pretend it didn’t happen and if bakugo
what were bakugos intentions? what did he even think he was doing? It’s not a big deal, breathe because it’s not a big deal it’s under control
he’ll pretend it didn’t happen
they’ll go back to class and pretend it didn’t happen and if bakugo
brings it up he’ll make it apparent that he doesn’t want it to happen again
he’s got everything under control
he’s got everything under control
bakugo doesn’t say anything when they get back to class
kiri tries to focus on mic sensei but he barely can
kiri tries to focus on mic sensei but he barely can
he still feels like he’s in the middle of the ocean, and every classmate feels like a shark circling him
he’s so open and exposed to them, he might as well be bleeding out right there.
everyone knows, he can’t lie to himself, bakugo knows. that’s why he did what he did at lunch
he’s so open and exposed to them, he might as well be bleeding out right there.
everyone knows, he can’t lie to himself, bakugo knows. that’s why he did what he did at lunch
bakugo knows and so does everyone else.
he closes his eyes for a second, head down toward his unwritten notes on his desk
he really does feel like they’re circling him then, he really feels like he’s floating
he closes his eyes for a second, head down toward his unwritten notes on his desk
he really does feel like they’re circling him then, he really feels like he’s floating
then he gets scared that when he opens his eyes they’ll all be looking at him
how loud is his breathing, can they all hear how weird it is. he can’t focus on any one thought in particular they’re all just floating in his head without his permission
how loud is his breathing, can they all hear how weird it is. he can’t focus on any one thought in particular they’re all just floating in his head without his permission
he’s gotta open his eyes. he’s gotta try to pay attention. he’s gotta open his eyes now
and he does
and he does
no ones looking
they’re all paying attention to the lesson
good then
they’re all paying attention to the lesson
good then
kirishima didn't know weather or not he was surprised when bakugo was the first to leave class
denki waited for kirishima at the door
"everything ok with you and our kacchan?"
kirishima laughed, "yeah, were ok, he's just upset about something. he'll be ok."
denki waited for kirishima at the door
"everything ok with you and our kacchan?"
kirishima laughed, "yeah, were ok, he's just upset about something. he'll be ok."
"Why'd you leave lunch then? You looked really mad"
Kirishima felt the anxiety rise in him. "He was just talking shit. You know him. I shouldn't have let it get to me."
Kaminari looked at him warily but decided to drop it, instead moving on to talk about jirou
Kirishima felt the anxiety rise in him. "He was just talking shit. You know him. I shouldn't have let it get to me."
Kaminari looked at him warily but decided to drop it, instead moving on to talk about jirou
relief took over. thank god kaminari was never one to push things.
he knew he had to talk to bakugo. he didn't like having things so tense with him. he was his best friend after all. he didn't want to lose him.
he knew he had to talk to bakugo. he didn't like having things so tense with him. he was his best friend after all. he didn't want to lose him.
he texted bakugo that night, asked him to come help him study. a thin disguise for what they both knew would come.
bakugo showed up with his backpack and a pissy mood. he sat on kiri's bed and got started immediately, not giving kiri time to say anything
bakugo showed up with his backpack and a pissy mood. he sat on kiri's bed and got started immediately, not giving kiri time to say anything
they went on for a little over an hour, kiri taking a bit of time to be able to focus on anything but the weird tension bakugo seemed hell bent on ignoring
they finished the last problem and bakugo checked the time on his phone
they finished the last problem and bakugo checked the time on his phone
"we worked through dinner, i'll make us something" he said, packing his things
kiri's response was automatic, "oh bro i'm ok, I ate before you came over."
kiri's response was automatic, "oh bro i'm ok, I ate before you came over."
bakugo looked incredibly interested in the books and binders he was putting in his back pack "oh yeah," he replied casually, "what did you have"
kiri's breath caught a little bit, "i had some of those protein bars and i ate some of the snacks mom sent."
kiri's breath caught a little bit, "i had some of those protein bars and i ate some of the snacks mom sent."
he gestured over to the bags and boxes next to his desk
"that's not dinner, idiot, lets go"
the false sense of security kiri had fallen into was instantly gone. he was dumb to try to ignore the tension he was so stupid to think bakugo would just drop it
"that's not dinner, idiot, lets go"
the false sense of security kiri had fallen into was instantly gone. he was dumb to try to ignore the tension he was so stupid to think bakugo would just drop it
he knew what he was doing, and they were at a stand off
bakugo was not one to back down from a fight
and this wasn't something kiri was going to lose
bakugo was not one to back down from a fight
and this wasn't something kiri was going to lose
there was a knowing right below the surface of their words, but neither wanted to be the one to go under first.
and it was weird to kiri to watch his best friend try to be delicate, to treat something cautiously.
and it was weird to kiri to watch his best friend try to be delicate, to treat something cautiously.
it just served to show that bakugo really didn't know what he was stepping into. it served to show just how much he should leave what he didn't understand alone
but as he stood there kiri recognized the decision bakugo was giving him. he had kiri backed into a corner by nuance. he was trapped by what was lurking just under the surface.
bakugo stood in the doorway looking directly at kiri waiting on his answer
"yeah i guess, lets go"
bakugo stood in the doorway looking directly at kiri waiting on his answer
"yeah i guess, lets go"
purging is easier after binging. it's almost like blacking out and waking up thousands of calories later. purging after binging is almost involuntary, its necessary- kiris body doesn't give him a choice.
so when bakugo sets a quickly made bowl of rice and reheated vegetables in front of him kiri is both overwhelmed at the volume of food hes expected to eat and nervous that the amount would be harder to purge
but he did, snuck away under the guise of taking the trash out, saying something about helping out that bakugo bought easily
he felt pathetic as he did. head over the trash bag he held open in front of himself, hidden next to the dumpster.
he felt pathetic as he did. head over the trash bag he held open in front of himself, hidden next to the dumpster.
he didn't sputter as much as he used to, he didn't cough or hack. nothing dramatic, almost simple. but still unpleasant
not a big deal over all
not a big deal at all
not a big deal over all
not a big deal at all
when he walked passed bakugo who had just finished cleaning up the kitchen he looked furious
kirishima's anxiety spiked, how long was he gone? he looked at the clock- five minuted tops. maybe bakugo was just tired, it was late.
kirishima's anxiety spiked, how long was he gone? he looked at the clock- five minuted tops. maybe bakugo was just tired, it was late.
kiri refillied his water bottle, not acknowledging bakugo's anger. pretending that his breath could come to him easily. pretending like his head wasn't blaring that bakugo knew what he just did.
he should have waited, he should have just waited until they were separate, but who knows how long that would have taken and how many calories-
"did you just go out there and puke?"
"did you just go out there and puke?"
kiri spun the top back onto his water and stared at it before answering lightly, "yeah, the food must have sat weird on my stomach- nothing against your cooking though bro!"
he turned around to find bakugo not even looking in his direction, purposefully it seemed
he turned around to find bakugo not even looking in his direction, purposefully it seemed
"kirishima you know if you don't eat you die"
he looked at the floor when he said it, low as ever. his brow pinched like he was focused
all of the air left kiris lungs, he couldn't have this conversation
all of the air left kiris lungs, he couldn't have this conversation
he breathed a long breath in and blew it out slowly thinking back to the other day at lunch.
bakugo wasn't stupid he couldn't treat him like he was
bakugo wasn't stupid he couldn't treat him like he was
"I'm not-" bakugo looked at him, anger clear across his face. still kiri continued, "I'm not gonna die bakugo, I'm eating, i'm just- it's just... hard right now to- to stomach anything." he could throw up again if he gave into it
he held the water bottle in both of his hands and maintained strained eye contact with his best friend, who didn't look convinced
his breath wasn't getting to his lungs, his head felt like it was full of static and his skin felt like there wasn't enough of it to cover his body- like it was being pulled at every angle. he knew he had to keep talking, he couldn't make himself look even more suspicious
no more words would come out and bakugo was still looking at him, so angry, and fuck he just wished he wasn't angry with him. if he knew how bad he wished things were different he wouldn't be so mad at him and why does he get to be angry now when kiri's been so angry for so long
bakugo doesn't get to be angry about this, it doesn't belong to him and he doesn't have a say one way or another. and fuck he just wishes so badly he wasn't mad at him
"fuck are you talking about, I'm not mad- kirishima sit the fuck down, you look like you're about to pass out.
"fuck are you talking about, I'm not mad- kirishima sit the fuck down, you look like you're about to pass out.
oh, fuck. he had no idea what he had been saying out loud and what was in his head.
"kirishima sit down." bakugo's hands were on his arms, guiding him down to a chair. the entire room was swaying
"kirishima sit down." bakugo's hands were on his arms, guiding him down to a chair. the entire room was swaying
"stop crying I'm not mad at you. will you just- fuck."
kirishima was sitting, two hands still clutching his water bottle, unknowingly babbling nonsense and apologies at bakugo
“hey!” bakugo was sitting on the chair next to him now “I’m not mad at you, don’t apologize. kirishima I’m,” he looked hesitent but swallowed and continued “I’m worried.”
of course. of course kirishima was worrying his best friend because he couldn’t keep his eating habits to himself. the guilt rest it’s weight on kiri and he struggled not to further buckle under it
“you’re having a panic attack you need to breathe, stupid”
kirishima took a breath in like it was a command. he was still trying to speak
kirishima took a breath in like it was a command. he was still trying to speak
