[cw: transphobia, ableism, child abuse, death]

A thread about Amanda Jette Knox, cis allies, parents, and kids.

So, for context, I've never actually followed Amanda Jette Knox. I don't "know" her.

I've never read her book.

Like, none of what I'm about to say actually has anything to do with her, individually,

on a personal or professional level.

It's more just about the space she represents.

You know, I don't "know" her,

but I see, like, her profile picture, and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, that's that lady who has the trans kid."

Which is, uh,

maybe kind of illustrative.

You know, building your brand on the back of your kid.

Especially a marginalized kid?

Especially a kid who's marginalized in a *way* that you, yourself, are not?

You know, on at least some level, it's never going to *not* be skeevy.

Even if the kid is theoretically cool with it,

I don't think it's actually *possible* for a kid to *meaningfully* consent here,

the same way it's not really possible for child actors to *meaningfully* consent

to the full scale of all the fucking bullshit that surrounds them.

You can't ethically milk your kid for content. That's about the long and short of it.

And I say that, like,

*fully* knowing

that I've *definitely* liked and shared at least a few of her tweets over the course of the years,

'cause it's a *very* easy thing to fall into,

this dream of a cis parent who's,

at least seemingly,

*not* a fucking piece of shit to her trans kid.

Just the fucking *sight* of that fills in,

like, this screaming, fucking basic place in our brains.

It makes me think about KA Applegate,

author of Animorphs,

who people keep trying to prop up as this kind of ~unproblematic~ alternative to JK Rowing,

partly because,

where JK Rowling is a full-blown TERF,

Applegate is, again, at least seemingly, the very proud, loving mother of a very trans kid.

And it gives me a lot of complicated feelings, 'cause it makes me think about my own mom.

Now, my mom has two kids, and both of us are trans.

And, like,

she doesn't really, fully "get it,"

but she is, at least, in the broadest possible sense, *generally* "supportive" --

to the point where she actually got basically kicked out of her church

for *not* completely cutting ties with us.

And it would be easy for people to look at that story and be like, "What a fucking legend,"

right?

But, I mean, if you did, then, knowingly or not, you'd also be glossing over multiple decades

of physical and emotional pain

that it's almost just a fucking fluke that we both actually survived.

Even the word "survived" is doing a lot of work, there.

When I talk about how shitty my childhood was, sometimes, people say,

"Oh, but, look, you survived,"

and they mean it to be nice, like, "Oh, look how far you've come."

And I'm just like,

"I don't know, man, have I?

"Or is it just killing me slightly more slowly than you might initially assume?"

"Survived" implies the thing is over,

and "over" is not necessarily a thing that happens with this sort of primal trauma.

And, like,

I'm not actually trying to imply anything about either person here, AJK *or* KAA.

I'm not saying either one, like,

*must*

secretly be an awful, abusive mother.

I'm just saying, shit's complicated,

and carving *idols* out of *people* is probably never going to be a good idea.

Even with my own mother,

who absolutely *has* been an awful, abusive person,

that's still, at the same time, only *one* dimension of who she is and who she's been to me.

Shit's

complicated.

And this whole thing of cis people writing "bestselling" books

about *having* trans family members,

it hits me in a sore fucking spot.

It reminds me of when I first found my BPD diagnosis,

and I went look for books *by* other borderlines *about* BPD, and I could literally

*only*

fucking find

books by neurotypicals about "dealing with" BPD family members.

It also makes me think about all the shitty, fucking murderous "autism moms,"

a phrase and a concept that should die in a fire.

I guess more to the point, though,

it makes me think about how many cis people "need" books like this.

You know,

they "need" to read books by cis people about what it's like to have trans family members

because they won't read books by trans people about what it's like growing up with cis parents.

Like, it's a niche that literally only exists because of bigotry against trans people,

but, by definition,

it's a niche that only cis people can directly draw profit from.

Like, it's a way for "good" cis people to make money from the fact that we don't register as people.

And, like, this is what I mean when I say none of this is even necessarily about AJK as a person.

Like, maybe you're working in this space, and, truly, in every possible sense,

you are *doing* the work.

Maybe you really *are* filling this fucking niche with *the* most needed, necessary,

cutting,

accurate, *effective* work in the world.

And maybe you're fucking passing along the profits,

and you're uplifting a *truly* diverse array of trans people every fucking day.

Maybe you're doing everything right.

Cool story.

Still a position of structural privilege that positions *you* as the grand high arbiter of what goes where

and who gets seen.

Like, if you do have a sense of personal responsibility about this, good. You should.

But "personal responsibility" only goes so far in the face of structural power dynamics.

You know, like, if you're a cis person who makes a living talking about trans issues,

no matter how well you're doing it,

the chair you're sitting in is fundamentally unearned, immoral, and unjust.

Like, that's just the ugly truth of it.

Being an ally is not, and should not be, glorious.

It's good if you're doing that work.

It's better than not doing it.

Helping vulnerable people matters.

But at the same time, those vulnerable people are not wrong for talking about the bigger picture.

I keep coming back to the fact that the original tweets that started all this were fucking

*nothing*. https://twitter.com/captaintransma/status/1260925280048214017

It was the mildest fucking common-sense criticism in the entire fucking world.

But I still "get" to see dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of tweets

vindictively demonizing the "petty," "jealous," "ungrateful," grubby little "animals" "attacking" AJK.

I fucking hate it.