here goes a thread of things i have experienced in my two years of working at national institution tory hellhole spoons

1. a recent highlight before corona when we could go outside i was attempting to throw a group of fiat 500 teens out the pub, when i (aged 21) said to a manager (aged 30) that they’re just young i was told ‘i bet you wish you remember what it was like to be young again’

2. when clearing up fish that was mashed into the carpet a child proceeded to throw their meal into the pile, to which the parent replied ‘are you gonna get me a new one’, a second child then vomited on the pile

3. when given walkie talkies i arrived at a table of fit boys, the person on the other end of the walkie talkie proceeded to shout and one of the fit boys jumped, knocked my tray over and spilt 7 pints down my already see through top

4. a regular arsehole who orders the same meal from the same table at the same time every week asked for a different meal, when i took it out they asked why their fish looked different...... they had ordered a burger

5. upon discovering the bins were full i volunteered to stand on the cardboard to make more space, another member of staff proceeded to throw a bag of food waste into said bin, it burst and i smelt of off milk, stale fish & monster for 3 days

6. during the first summer of iorders i did my entire 8hr shift on them, mainly in our beer garden, i got sunstroke and vomited in the glasswash in front of a pub full of customers

7. 3 mates were sat in a booth and one decided to give another a blowjob in said booth, the footage leaked, the couple were outed on fb and table 89, since renamed the shagging booth later broke and was ironically replaced with table number 69

8. whilst clearing up a member of staff smashed a 8 stack of pints, when taking them to their car to go to casualty the other staff member fell on the glass and twisted their ankle, a third member of staff rushed over, fell and spent the night picking glass out of their leg

9. when doing toilet checks i discovered quite possibly the biggest shit to have come out of a human being, i locked the door to get a manager... we forgot about it, the door stayed stuck until a week later when we remembered the shit was still there and the roof started to leak

10. a recent one, inspired by ee icon drunk linda i drank several PINTS of g&t the night before an 8am open, still slight drunk i drove the work, hit the beer garden fence and my managers car whilst parking

11. in the days before vegan burgers and quorn nuggets i was forced to consume a wrap on my break, when i picked it up a day dot (sell by date) sticker fell out and my chips had ice cubes in the middle

12. a customer walked in with a toolbox, did a once round of the pub and then proceeded to unscrew the front door and walk away with it

13. a few mins after locking up every alarm in the building went off and the place filled with smoke. at 3am the emergency services arrived to us trying to break a member of staff out a window, turns out we hadn’t locked the door and there was no fire

14. recently lewis capaldi visited the restaurant across the road and everyone fled the pub, we tried to lock up but everyone ran back in realising their cocktails were £8 and our pints are £1.99

15. we had a 2 month long investigation into possible theft from the tills, turns out we were all just stupid and couldn’t count properly when given change

16. needing away early to go to a gig, i planned to fake a faint to finish early... i then proceeded to actually faint and got diagnosed with anemia

17. last halloween we decided we’d all dress up for the closing shift, only one person dressed up in full peaky blinders get up and cried in the walk in fridge after 10 hrs of light bullying from staff and customers

18. a member of staff decided to throw a shot measure into the glasswash and hit the iorder tv screen above it, we had to scramble to buy a new tv before the manager returned from their holiday in the next 2 hours

19. a customer returned her meal twice and on the third time complained she found a hair in her meal, upon watching the cctv we discovered her pulling various items of rubbish from her handbag, and hair from her head, and hiding it in her food

20. someone died in the upstairs toilets

21. a customer (who we thought was being kind) brought us all in snacks for the shift, we all ended up with food poisoning

22. a customer got so pished she managed to wedge herself between two tables, it took 6 of us to free her

23. on their xmas night out, the sainsburys staff from across the road quite literally destroyed half the pub, the entire pub staff then boycotted sainburys... and in a surprising turn of events i am now barred from said sainsburys

24. an ex colleague provided us w the not so good kush on a night out, we all had to phone in sick the next day with the shits

25. we all threaten to quit approximately 9 times a shift so when a member of the kitchen handed in their notice they had to hand in 2 written copies and an email until someone realised they were actually leaving

26. in -3 degree weather i had to take out a pint to someone in the beer garden, i slid on the ice, fell down the stairs and the customer decided to help their pint up off the floor rather than me

27. whilst working a 10 hr shift on my 21st birthday a customer wished me happy birthday and slipped me a tenner... it was a fake

28. a customer threw a gin across the bar at me, it went in my eye and i had an eye infection for the next week

29. after a long shift we decided to have some fun before cleaning up and raced each other on drinks trolleys, we smashed into a table and broke about a third of the pubs glassware

30. forced to display brexit propaganda we had an a3 poster of theresa may, a woman then fell backwards into the easel and proceeded to piss herself

31. i worked last nye and whilst everyone else rang in the bells surrounded by friends and family i had to unblock the disabled toilet whilst a drunken old man told me he would slash my car tyres

32. whilst working the bar a customer came up and presented me with a glass, i expecting a newbie had poured the wrong spirit grabbed it and smelt it... it was a tumbler full of vomit

33. a customer has just been placed on the sex offenders register

34. ROUND TWO ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
a manager felt a customer brush up against their back and assumed they were carrying. said manager then jumped around and threw what he thought was a knife out his hand... it was not a knife it was a carton of milk which took us 2 hrs to clean up

34. PART TWO
whilst throwing the milk carton across the pub the manager also managed to ping the customers eye patch right off his face

35. the customer with the eye patch got barred for being a creepy bastard and then claimed he worked for mi6... and had friends in both the IRA, UVF and ISIS

36. today a customer asked why i had cleared their table (in the beer garden) i explained they had left the table and assumed it was finished AND that the food had bird shit in it. they asked if they could have it back to finish it.

37. a customer got thrown out for licking the social distancing perspex screens

38. someone has just shat themselves (up the walls n everything) left their shitty boxers n ran away

38 (continued) there’s now a shit trail up the street

39. someone got cut off for being to drunk so got in his car and drove home

40. when asking a customer for his track and trace information he replied sorry hun don’t know my phone number im just out the jail today