Sex Talk 3:

Celibacy/ Abstinence: what a sex crazed culture doesn’t tell you in your adulthood.

Doubt this going to be a popular thread, but for whoever can learn, here you go:

As someone who grew up in a Christian home, I felt deep shame about sexual things. I’d wanted to wait till marriage and it didn’t happen. I fell in love with someone, both of us thinking it was a forever relationship + while it was with someone I loved- I felt intense guilt.

Guilt because God died on the cross for me and I betrayed him for someone who broke promises. I was naive. After the last tak bak, I didn’t have sex for a year.

(I added that in for all the people of faith who grew up in religious homes that never talked about sex and would’ve gone through similar emotions).

For alot of reasons, I didn’t have a healthy relationship with sex at all.

I decided to go on a short lived stint to figure out a part of myself I shunned for years. With a lot of reading, practicing self love and growth and one hands’ worth of partners: both selfish or good listeners, I learnt:

1. Likes/dislikes 2. About my body and how it works 3. Worked through some traumas 4. Myself, as a woman and sexual being 5. How easily emotionally removed I can be if I choose.

(I also had a long conversation with God, clearly one way about what I was about to do out of respect rather than just turning my back and ignoring Him).

My biggest lesson was: sex with someone you love deeply, that you’re spiritually connected too is more mind blowing than ‘just sex.’ I was over it.

But something about having sex casually has an addictive component to it. Which personally, and only personally, I don’t want a high body count. So when I saw the tracks revving from self discovery to wildness- I put a pause.

But it wasn’t that easy! Sex is a basic biological need and of course I want(ed) it. And it felt STRANGE. The idea I had decided to have sex and I, an adult, not going too? Celibacy sounded childish all of a sudden.

But it dawned on me that it was silly to think that. If I want to stop having sex or stop and start back later- that is completely okay!!! It is my body and I can do whatever with it, INCLUDING doing ‘nothing with it.’

So it’s been almost a year since I made that decision. I am on a new journey of self growth. I’ve had moments where I’ve complained, moments where I slipped and planned a meet up (which has not worked out, mostly because I canceled). I haven’t been perfect on this journey.

But I’m proud because celibacy has taught me: self control, how to be unneeding of a partner/ unbothered by not having a partner ie ok with being alone; I’ve had time to focus on me and grow in other areas.

Most importantly, when dating someone, I get to focus on building a stable foundation with them. A strong foundation based on connection is less breakable than one which starts on passion. And you make wiser decisions about compatibility with a clearer mind.

Sex is a very mentally consuming thing more than people realize. Think about it: how much time do you spend watching sex gifs, porn, flirting, thinking on it, the drive to go by someone etc you’d be surprised when you think about how much sex thoughts and behaviours r in ur life.

And beyond this, sex can act as a substitute to fill a void, to meet false standards society makes you believe you need to meet (eg looking freaky). It can give people a sense of false validation/ false control.

Celibacy/Abstinence can teach you to overcome the voids you seek to fill, the validations you unhealthily feed yourself and help rewire your belief system about how you should appear. Also NB:

If you don’t know yourself properly and you haven’t dealt with your past, Sex as empowerment can be dangerous because you can fall into a trap of endless casual relationships rather than building meaningful, emotionally connected relationships. Or even poor romantic relationships

I may not be like my generation, I may not have any large number of fun stories, any high body count but while sex has taught me lessons- abstinence after having experienced both meaningful and causal sex has taught me even MORE, especially about self value and true self control.

How long I’ll stay on this path, idk, if I find a stable partner but I view each phase as paths to self discovery and growth. I definitely like my schupidness and my wild tweets . But for now this is the path I choose. COVID making sure of that too. This is a healthy view.

I encourage everyone to go on their journey of self discovery in whatever manner they choose. I stress: know your reasons and be aware when you’re going off track, be able to love yourself so much that you make the right decisions.

Sex is beautiful: casual or emotional.

Abstinence/ Celibacy is not a punishment or difficult. It’s a journey you can take, for as long as you like- if you think it will grow you to be a better version of yourself. It will teach you.

Abstinence is peaceful.
Food for thought.