Google Photos has reminded me four years ago today, I was in Chicago for BEA/Book Expo.

I haven't said this before b/c I don't want to implicate specific people -this is not a call-out or subtweet- but BEA 2016 was the most alienating experience I have had in the book community.

Some of this is 100% my own fault. I did not prepare for BEA in an effective or productive way.

Some of this is that BEA was an event that was happy to take my money but certainly not happy to actually have me there.

On top of it all, what magnified feelings of alienation...

Is how the event is held up and referred among the community.

People would comment how lucky I was too go to BEA, to get all those free ARCs and hang out with all those cool people but I wasn't.

I wasn't lucky, I paid hundreds of dollars for a ticket and hundreds in travel expenses.

ARCs aren't free when you pay hundreds to access them. Also I still haven't read many of them years later. Buying into the ARC drop hype was a waste of time and I regret it big time

And being at a book event with my book community friends; the people I came up with in the community; those I've met on Twitter, in comments and at smaller events will always be more fun for me than meeting people with huge followings who I only know through their public persona.

I don't want to suggest all bookish events are useless or you can never make friends there. I've had tremendous privilege in events attended & genuine friendships made.

But BEA was worse than useless to me because it made me feel like I didn't belong in this community.

So, when you see all those tweets from BEA/Book Expo. Or this year, when literally no one can go to Book Expo or Book Con.

Don't fret, it was not all it was cracked up to be.