Read on Twitter
Maybe TMI/personal but I'm having a real strong fight with my OCD lately where I keep manufacturing (hopefully) fake scenarios where all the people close to me are doing hurtful things behind my back or hate me and I can't bring it up because I don't want to seem accusatory (1/6)
and if I make the mistake and do bring it up, when they reassure me I usually start having worse worries that they're lying about the reassurance -- which is the vicious cycle of OCD; "checking" or "reassurance" makes it worse, not better -- and I have deep paranoia because (2/6)
I have had a LIFELONG issue feeling unwanted, dealing with impostor syndrome, feeling like I'm always moments away from being betrayed. I had a dad + stepdad both leave & my therapist bailed on me when I was at my absolute worst dealing with strong PTSD and dissociation: (3/6)
At that time I vividly "Hallucinated" (visualized?) trains and cars hitting me and couldn't leave my house after an old friend was killed by a train. Even still, every few months sometimes the dissociative episodes get so bad I wake up unfamiliar with my own house and body. (4/6)
I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really usually have a pretty good handle on all this. But here and there, it flares up real bad. Like mental arthritis. It is what it is. I think this particular flare is the sad state of the world and how hopeless and scary it all is. (5/6)
Even this feels like a woe is me self masturbatory thread to me because I then become more concerned with how bad other people have it and then I guilt myself into thinking "you don't deserve to feel bad about this when they're dealing with that"
But fuck it, vent thread over.
But fuck it, vent thread over.
The bonus tweet:
Now I'm starting to worry people will think the opener to this thread is about them specifically when it might not even be and that they will in turn worry creating an anxiety circle.
Now I'm starting to worry people will think the opener to this thread is about them specifically when it might not even be and that they will in turn worry creating an anxiety circle.
