I don’t even care that I woke up in the middle of the night just now because it’s the first time I’ve gotten up without a headache in weeks.

Literal weeks.

Been praising God in the bed trying not to wake up Reg

I talk about it never, but I’ve had chronic migraines since I was a teenager. They have gotten progressively worse, and unbearable in quarantine.

I’ve sought solution off and on, but it’s often exhausting w little solution.

Like many, I’ve learned to live w & work thru them.

I discovered quickly there’s not much empathy for it.

So debilitating “no I really can’t sit through this meeting” pain gets seen as lazy or flaky. First by others, then eventually by you, because you internalize the message.

So you suck it up, or try to hide it (poorly).

Headaches are things people think you fake.

I mean the joke is spouses fake headaches when they don’t want to have sex right? Right.

So your head throbbing for an entire 24 hour period w consistency is not exactly something most people think is legitimate for too long.

There were doctors, and prescriptions that worked for a time? And then stopped, and then more doctors, and then shrugged shoulders, and then more trial, more error, more error than not, and the exhaustion of it all would mean that I’d have to take breaks from trying.

Adding to that some chronic issues I’ve had since college that basically get written off as “women’s pain,” there are stretches I spend in pain more often than not and I never told a soul.

I didn’t tell @kidnoble until he looked at me and said “I love you-and I’m worried.”

I...don’t even know why all of this is spilling out right now.

Maybe it’s because of how much pain I’ve been in the last month in particular and this is the first good feeling *moment* in 4 weeks.

Maybe it’s because I finally opened up for the first time in life and told my therapist that for 20 years I’ve hated my body for being unpredictable and secretly called it weak and lazy and accepted all the judgements about its “inability” to keep up w me.

Maybe it’s because she finally helped me realize that the self love I preach has to extend to my physical body too, an that even if this is my reality forever, that yes, I seek solution, but I still deserve to love and show gratitude to my vessel and go w it’s uniqueness...

I’m still figuring it all out.

But do know that I’m not saying any of this for pity. That’s my very least favorite emotion. To show or receive.

I just know I’m grateful I’m finally, slowly coming into what’s honest and letting myself exist as I am.

Gonna try to go back to sleep now and resist the temptation to have vulnerability regret .

Love y’all!