I will probably regret this late-night musing about Mr. Yoga, but I'm thinking about it, so here goes.

There are a lot of things about this experience that I don't understand. Why he'd ask me what I wanted in a house is a question that comes up often.

When I went to see him, he talked to me about a girl in his drum class he liked. So I figured I wasn't someone he took seriously. He told me he wasn't interested in having a more serious relationship pretty quickly, after I told him I did, though it'd be long-distance.

So, naturally, we were like friends with benefits, I guess. In the sense that we still long-distance flirted with each other.

I was sleeping with a lot of other people, one-night stands and flings here and there, occasional dates with men who expressed their interest.

And he frequently asked my advice about girls he liked. "What should I do about this girl? I already put the moves on her friend," he told me once. I told him that it was his decision to make, I couldn't tell him what to do.

It actually hurt me to hear about this because I liked him and was heartbroken that he didn't like me. But I've always been of the mind that if someone isn't interested, there's nothing you can do to change their mind, so I didn't press or get mad.

I just tried to be his friend and support him. Part of that was to take my hurt feelings out of the equation and just try to give sensible advice.

"That's up to you," I told him. It's really not my decision, not my call, because it doesn't affect me.

Meanwhile, he was still texting and calling regularly, so we were keeping in close contact. We were talking all the time and I talked to him about as much as I talked to my best friend.

It was hurtful & confusing that he would tell me "I'm not interested" & also ask me what I wanted in a house. It was confusing that he would tell me "You don't have to settle" & bring up my moving to L.A. when there was nothing to suggest he wanted a serious relationship

I wanted to go. I really wanted to go. I had such a good time with him and felt so comfortable with him and liked being so close to the beach when I was there. But I didn't see a way that I could go and live somewhere on my own. I assumed I'd be living on my own if I went.

I also assumed that our relationship would stay the same. We'd be living apart, occasionally seeing each other at events or whatever because we ran in the same circles, but we wouldn't be a couple. He made that clear with the words he told me.

Before I left, he gave me a little tour of the city and I had this distinct "all this could be yours if you stay" feeling. I really wanted him to stop telling me these things, stop showing me things I knew I wanted because I knew I couldn't have them. Not with the money I made.

And of course, he already told me shortly after I left that he wouldn't give them to me because he told me "I'm not interested."

Very clear boundary. "I like you as a fuck buddy, a nice fling, a good distraction, but not as anything more than that."

So telling me that I could move to L.A. muddied the boundary for me. It hurt that he clearly, directly, rejected me as a partner and yet, his communication had a sexual undertone.

It made me feel valued more for being cute and sexy than anything else.

It was the same thing that happened to me with every other man I slept with and it was always just so tiresome because I wanted so much to be wanted as a partner. I wanted to be wanted as a whole person and a full partner. I guess I'm telling you I wanted commitment I never got.

It actually hurt a lot. Part of me wanted to keep him around bc I liked him a lot but part of me wanted him to stop flirting with me, stop making jokes, stop talking to me about music & dance, stop telling me about all the cool things he was doing...

because it just hurt to want something I would never have. It hurt that he kept bringing up that I could move and "What do you want in a house?" when I knew he was just fucking around and not offering me this theoretical house he wanted to know about.

Why do you care what I want in a house? It's not like you're gonna give it to me.

Why do you care if I move to L.A.? It's not like I'm going for you.

Why do you care if I "settle" for someone who knows he doesn't want babies when I do? It's not like I'm having babies with you.

Why would you care about any of my relationship choices? We're nothing more than a casual fling, a non-relationship, not seriously involved, both seeing other people. So what does it matter to you?

Why do you care? These aren't choices that involve you. You told me not to involve you. You did that. Not me.

I wanted you to be involved but you didn't want that so I did what I could to move on. I did what I could to soothe my broken heart & take care of my hurt feelings & leave you out of the equation because you told me with your words that you didn't see me as more than a nice fuck.

And then I still heard that you asked our mutuals about me. How was I doing?

I was hurt, thanks for asking. But trying to deal with my feelings appropriately and in a healthy way. As healthy as I could manage at the time.

"He told you he doesn't want you, move on" seemed like a pretty sensible approach to me.

I didn't mean that much to you and I was sad about that but I also knew that I couldn't make something else be true if it wasn't.

So, I lost my train of thought because I started crying a few tweets ago. I'm tired, it's late, I don't know what my point is, but I'll call this thread over.