So I have been thinking this through, and I decided I'm just going to strét-up say what's on my mind because I think its important.

I kept trying to fit these thoughts into a discursive framework that would be intelligible to others and I realised I was just shooting myself in the foot. What I want to say is about my personal experiences, and I'm sharing them in the hopes they will be elucidating to others.

A lot of the behaviors that I observe (OnHere especially) seem, from my very surface observations and attempts at inductive reasoning, to stem from problems which I myself experience and continue to struggle with.

So here goes.

I have a lot of difficulty engaging in a healthy way with serious topics. Especially with my mental health challenges, I easily get carried away with crap that actually obfuscates the topic at hand.

I start worrying about how my words and actions reflect on my being — not on how I live, but on the fundamental nature of my existence.

What better way to induce panic and guilt than to introduce the belief that existence itself has the potential to be harmful?

Not actions, not words, not beliefs, but existence itself.

Existence itself is morally neutral, but how often do we recognize that simple fact? How often do we recognize our own agency?

The answer for me has been "not nearly enough." I get caught up in a storm of emotions that stem from an unanswerable existential question.

When I begin to lose touch with my sense of agency, it is very easy to become antagonistic, angry, desperate, lonely. To externalize negative emotions that stem from within.

In this state it is very difficult to distinguish fact from feeling.

If I tie something to my existence, it must logically be defended to prevent my own annihilation.

Most times, of course, there is no causal link — it is imagined, fabricated. Still, the psychological link holds immense power until it is severed.

So the point I'm getting to is the medium of Twitter and how in my experience, it is very conducive to the creation of these imagined existential links. It is not conducive to their dissolution.

When I encounter new information that might pertain to me and might put me in a new, unflattering light, too easily my instinctual reactions become engaged.

"What does this say about me?" "How will __ react if they know/think that __?" "Who will stop listening to/stop trusting me?"

To be sure, they may be pertinent to the matter at hand — but are they helpful? Are they conducive to learning or to rectifying harmful behaviors?

Twitter is a tool. It's very conducive to catchy one-liners and witty remarks. It is less conducive to meaningful communication.

Note, I did not say it precludes meaningful communication; it merely doesn't help it. Meaningful communication happens here every day regardless!

I know that I get caught up in maintaining/building "online presence" and it can get very narcissistic very quickly.

It is not productive.

As soon as I entangle my human value with something so external, I'm bound to become miserable and to begin externalizing that misery.

So when I think about the problems that crop up repeatedly — white people dogpiling BIPOC women they disagree with, white women playing the victim/clinging to whiteness whenever we are held accountable for our (in)actions, people resorting to transmisogyny almost instinctually...

I wonder: How many people can actually parse social interactions accurately? How many people know how to process negative emotions without externalizing them? How many people are psychologically, physiologically aware of their own agency?

I honestly dont believe its possible to teach people everything they need to know.

I think unless people learn HOW to deal with the psychological and existential pressure of existing in this world they will refuse to learn anything and will remain trapped in abusive behaviours.