The Karening: A Short Story and Free Public Service Announcement

The public health experts warned that opening businesses too early was dangerous, but Karen didn’t listen. As soon as Georgia’s lockdown ended, she went to the hairdressers to get a cut and color.

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When she couldn’t get a convenient appointment at the nail salon, she complained and asked to speak to the manager. Tired of dealing with her, the salon owner relented; Karen got a mani-pedi that afternoon.

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Karen refused to wear a mask to either appointment.

“I’m American!” she told herself, “I have rights! The government can’t tell me what to do!”
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Karen admired her short, blond bob and pastel, pink fingernails in the mirror. She thought she looked pretty cute. Five days later, she came down with a fever and a bad cough. She called her doctor multiple times, but she couldn’t get a test.

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“There are too many sick people and not enough tests,” her harried doctor explained, “stay home and only go to the hospital if your symptoms worsen.”

“This is completely unacceptable,” Karen said in response, “I want to speak with your manager.”

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But she couldn’t get a test. Besides, her symptoms weren’t that bad….

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“I’m a little sick, but I also need groceries,” Karen said to herself, so she went to the grocery store and exposed the cashier and three other patrons-- the latter of whom had been trying to self-isolate as the experts had requested-- to COVID-19.

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“I’m sick, but I’m also entitled to go to church and pray to the Lord Jesus Christ to save me,” Karen said to herself, so she went to her nearest megachurch to pray the pandemic away. She infected fifty other people.

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So…she just showed up….

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“I’m entitled to a coronavirus test and treatment,” she rationalized to herself.

Karen exposed ten more people while waiting in the lobby.

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“You can’t just walk in here unannounced with a fever and cough,” a hospital receptionist explained to her, “you could put our patients and staff at risk!”

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“But it’s my rights!” Karen exclaimed, “This is a free country! And the way you have treated me is completely unacceptable. I had to wait half an hour to talk to somebody! I want to speak with your manager!”

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A manager was found, and Karen was tested and admitted to the hospital for COVID-19. Alas, her condition worsened, and she needed a ventilator.

But a ventilator couldn’t be found.

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“What do you mean that I can’t get a ventilator?” Karen wheezed. “I’m an American and have rights! Find me a ventilator now! Who is your boss??? I want to speak with them!”

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Eventually a ventilator was found. Because Karen was intubated, there were not enough ventilators to go around. A nineteen-year old boy-- the cashier who caught COVID-19 from Karen’s shopping trip-- needed a ventilator and couldn’t get one. He died the next day.

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Between Karen’s shopping trip, megachurch trip, and hospital visit, seventy people were infected with COVID-19. Six of them died.

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Alas, as the medical staff had predicted, Karen was not a good candidate for a ventilator. She lingered in the ICU for a week, using up valuable resources that could have been made available to others.

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When Karen finally died, she arrived at the pearly gates of Heaven and found herself before Saint Peter.

After consulting his book, Saint Peter denied her entry.

Karen was shocked and appalled.

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“But why?” she asked, “I went to Church every Sunday. I was a good Christian and prayed to Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior every day. What do you mean that I can’t come in?”

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“Your entitlement and selfishness caused the death of innocents…all because you wanted a hair-cut,” Saint Peter explained.

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“This is completely unacceptable!” Karen exclaimed, “I want to speak with your manager.”

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#thekarening
(By Karen Karenson)