Oh fuck, no. I'm doing Dior. They have a new artistic director or some shit, and are revisiting their past "hits". #JewelWatch

OPAL ABUSE IN THE FIRST DEGREE.

Honestly, that's malachite abuse too. Even if it's common and comes in huge slabs, doesn't mean it should be treated like that.

This is, I believe, a ring. Could be a bracelet. They're trying the lace deal again and at least this time around seem to be sticking to rational shapes, but then they load on so many gems... where's the delicacy? It's supposed to be LACE.

I hope this isn't a pair. The one on the left isn't bad, though the turquoise is kind of jarring. The one on the right looks like a coach lamp on a mangled phone pole, tossed in some weeds. That don't match.

These are for sale, I can't imagine why.

They could have used green garnets in place of all that yellow WTF and had grape vines that would have sold in ten minutes. But someone thought this was a better idea.

From 1958. Apparently their jewelry has always been shit. What all IS that? It's listed as "crystal", ha, but... wha the FUCK?

Haha I was going to admit I like this - it's fun - and I do, and then saw it's one of their junk jewelry lines for $80. They need to put their junk people in charge over at the Srs Bidness Atelier de Shite.

This one's... not terrible. But imagine instead of encrusting the whole thing with diamonds, they did anodized titanium 'vines' instead? Delicate and lovely, like roses, right? Maybe a diamond thorn or two.

Be nice if the leaves and the rando square emeralds matched.

They're trying to make the gem vomit line work again by restraining the color usage. Jesus take me away.

Have I mentioned, jumbled different cuts of stones piss me off unless someone really skilled put them together?

Oh yes, much better than the last round. (Bar brooch? Hair pin? Cause for drinking?)

So many good gemstones. SO many. And they did this to them.

New drinking game. Gem vomit = drink. I'm having tea. Join in if you like. DRINK.

How do they take a ring everyone makes (diamond solitaire with diamonds in the setting and band), add a ring (tear drop, whatever) of red lacquer, and make the whole thing go to shit?

Ring. Almost good.

It's hard to put diamonds and opals together and have it fly, and this one doesn't. OTOH, it's better than some of their shit, by a long shot.

And apparently jumbled settings piss me off, too.

THAT IS A PINK SAPPHIRE. HOW DARE THEY.

Oh hey, it comes in blue too. And this is from the desk of the new director herself.

Off with her head.

Okay, she's into mis-matched earrings. (Which I have several pairs of, so I've nothing against them, in general.)

Who IN FUCK thinks surrounding a black opal with red gems is a good idea, fuck what colors are in the opal?

I AM EXCEEDINGLY UNAMUSED.

You could make a really fun ring, or anything, out of the stones surrounding that opal. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T WE JUST HAVE TWO OF THE PINK PEARL STUDS? They almost don't suck! Bet you the pearls are dyed.

Motherfuck, they couldn't even find enough round diamonds for the 'chain' on that opal? Can they match ANYTHING?

I think this is a three finger ring.

I'll show HER a finger.

Jesus fucking Christ they did the enamel/lacquer around the opal mirror the rainbow of cut stones AND IT DOESN'T MATCH.

Design is attention to detail. I MEAN IT.

Bracelet, maybe.

That needs buried in a crossroads during the full moon with a stake through it.

Why'd they shove the green-probably-garnets in there? If it was all diamonds, we'd have related shades of blue and it still wouldn't make sense but at least the colors would.

I'm dreading finding the necklaces.

How do we revoke their right to work with opals ever again, for all time, until the heat death of the universe?

DRINK. And I'm having drugs with it. (Prescribed, it's fine. With tea. I'm living wild.)

Either a brooch or some kind of double ring. (No description, fun.)

Ring closeup. They put BLUE enamel on a green gemstone ring. And are those PINK stones around the outside.

What, from the bottom of my soul, the fuck.

Also malachite's a bad gem for rings because it's soft and scratches easily, save it for earrings and necklaces.

All right, they're called between the finger rings. Good to know.

And I'm calling this photoshopped.

Yeah, that one piece of shit was a three finger ring. Do it right and they'd double as brass knuckles nicely, but this is shit and soft gemstones too.

Two finger ring? Fuck it, it's shit.

And a shit bracelet. With PURPLE enamel. Are they fucking colorblind?? Sincerely. Who in hell with color vision calls this okay?

Oy, they're re-trying the garden of Versailles thing again, too? Wonder if we get another kitchen sink necklace? (As in it contains everything but.)

This is actually better than the last round. Gotta admit it.

I don't know if this is a redo, kind of looks like it, BUT IT IS STILL SHIT.

DRINK. (Now having electrolyte water. Drinking hard over here.)

They're calling it a watch. I held it up for the hub to see, he made a vomiting face without knowing what I call it.

Kid said from a distance she thought it was mold.

This one's from the new director. Getting the hang of this; the newer stuff is in platinum, with an attempt at a gradient.

And I swear I recognize those stones from last time. (The square cut sapphires.)