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About this time 5 years ago, I was fortunate to be working here. Hampton Court Palace! I'd wanted to work here since I was a child & couldn't believe my luck that everyday for a short while, I got to live my dream. I just never expected it to be where I'd fall apart.
I'd been & was going through a lot by the time I started working at the palace. I hadn't dealt with any of it & I'd jumped straight into a role where I suddenly piled ten ton of pressure on myself to be amazing at it. I *really* quickly became unwell.
Pressure turned into paranoia. I'd feel odd like I didn't fit in with anyone else there. I'd get panic attacks, not sleep, spend the whole hour & a half journey there in a state of anxiety. Soon my 'coping' mechanisms became dangerous & it wasn't long before my manager noticed.
For context, my manager was the loveliest human! My team were great. This was all my stuff. I had a job I didn't believe I deserved or could do right, despite being told I was doing great. & I'd brought all this baggage with me. I felt naked, vulnerable, like my head was on fire.
T/w: suicide
Weeks passed in this awful cycle of self-loathing, anxiety & panic. I was a ticking timebomb. I'd contemplate my life on the journey, at my desk, in bed. I couldn't believe I had the job I'd always wanted & I was ruining it. I didn't deserve it. Or my life.
Weeks passed in this awful cycle of self-loathing, anxiety & panic. I was a ticking timebomb. I'd contemplate my life on the journey, at my desk, in bed. I couldn't believe I had the job I'd always wanted & I was ruining it. I didn't deserve it. Or my life.
I sat down with my manager a few times & tried to explain away most of it, fearful she'd see all the ugliness in my head, terrified she'd take my job away. Eventually though, it was agreed it was in my best interests to go to a casual contract. That day, my world fell apart.
I remember sitting by the riverside when I called the Samaritans. It was sunny, skies were blue, the Palace beautiful, but my world was so dark. I don't remember much of the conversation now, but I know I spoke to a kind man who told me to stay with him. & I did for a while.
A few hours passed & I'd moved & sat on the edge of the platform at the train station & called my Dad. I thought if I heard his voice it'd pull me back - & it did. I wanted a reason to stay, & in that moment, he was that.
T/w: self-harm
For the years that followed that, I went through failed jobs, reclusiveness, being broke, isolation, guilt, shame, alienation. People judged me. I judged me. Self-harm. I felt I'd failed & let everyone down. I couldn't see a future for myself anymore.
For the years that followed that, I went through failed jobs, reclusiveness, being broke, isolation, guilt, shame, alienation. People judged me. I judged me. Self-harm. I felt I'd failed & let everyone down. I couldn't see a future for myself anymore.
Eventually, I was diagnosed with anxiety by my GP. I went through years of counselling, CBT, a string of different meds with side effects that still give me shudders. I *finally* felt strong enough to talk about the things that had happened, before, & during Hampton Court.
I guess the reason I'm telling you all this is because I've reached a point in my life where I can look back on that period in time & not feel desperate sadness, or like I failed. Things happened the way they did, so I could heal & become who I am now (& I'm proud of me)
To have gone from being that broken girl at the riverside who didn't feel she deserved life, to someone who believes in herself for the first time ever, is magic. I've a job I love, the best people around me & I don't feel weighed down by my past anymore.
That's not to say I'm completely healed or that my mental illnesses are gone. I'm not. They're not. But I'm better equipped than ever before to look after my brain. & y'know, talking helped save my life; it could save yours or someone else's too one day 
I guess what I want to say is, please give yourself time to heal. Be patient with your process, kind to your mind & know that whatever you feel is valid & it matters. Your darkest moments don't define you and you're *absolutely* braver than you realise. Please, don't give up.
My hope is to go back and visit Hampton Court when this is all over. I've not been there since *that* day & I feel (I hope) it'll be a cathartic, healing day for me. No longer the scene of a 'crime' as such, more the palace where a childhood dream once came true. 
