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About this time 5 years ago, I was fortunate to be working here. Hampton Court Palace! I& #39;d wanted to work here since I was a child & couldn& #39;t believe my luck that everyday for a short while, I got to live my dream. I just never expected it to be where I& #39;d fall apart.
I& #39;d been & was going through a lot by the time I started working at the palace. I hadn& #39;t dealt with any of it & I& #39;d jumped straight into a role where I suddenly piled ten ton of pressure on myself to be amazing at it. I *really* quickly became unwell.
Pressure turned into paranoia. I& #39;d feel odd like I didn& #39;t fit in with anyone else there. I& #39;d get panic attacks, not sleep, spend the whole hour & a half journey there in a state of anxiety. Soon my & #39;coping& #39; mechanisms became dangerous & it wasn& #39;t long before my manager noticed.
For context, my manager was the loveliest human! My team were great. This was all my stuff. I had a job I didn& #39;t believe I deserved or could do right, despite being told I was doing great. & I& #39;d brought all this baggage with me. I felt naked, vulnerable, like my head was on fire.
T/w: suicide
Weeks passed in this awful cycle of self-loathing, anxiety & panic. I was a ticking timebomb. I& #39;d contemplate my life on the journey, at my desk, in bed. I couldn& #39;t believe I had the job I& #39;d always wanted & I was ruining it. I didn& #39;t deserve it. Or my life.
Weeks passed in this awful cycle of self-loathing, anxiety & panic. I was a ticking timebomb. I& #39;d contemplate my life on the journey, at my desk, in bed. I couldn& #39;t believe I had the job I& #39;d always wanted & I was ruining it. I didn& #39;t deserve it. Or my life.
I sat down with my manager a few times & tried to explain away most of it, fearful she& #39;d see all the ugliness in my head, terrified she& #39;d take my job away. Eventually though, it was agreed it was in my best interests to go to a casual contract. That day, my world fell apart.
I remember sitting by the riverside when I called the Samaritans. It was sunny, skies were blue, the Palace beautiful, but my world was so dark. I don& #39;t remember much of the conversation now, but I know I spoke to a kind man who told me to stay with him. & I did for a while.
A few hours passed & I& #39;d moved & sat on the edge of the platform at the train station & called my Dad. I thought if I heard his voice it& #39;d pull me back - & it did. I wanted a reason to stay, & in that moment, he was that.
T/w: self-harm
For the years that followed that, I went through failed jobs, reclusiveness, being broke, isolation, guilt, shame, alienation. People judged me. I judged me. Self-harm. I felt I& #39;d failed & let everyone down. I couldn& #39;t see a future for myself anymore.
For the years that followed that, I went through failed jobs, reclusiveness, being broke, isolation, guilt, shame, alienation. People judged me. I judged me. Self-harm. I felt I& #39;d failed & let everyone down. I couldn& #39;t see a future for myself anymore.
Eventually, I was diagnosed with anxiety by my GP. I went through years of counselling, CBT, a string of different meds with side effects that still give me shudders. I *finally* felt strong enough to talk about the things that had happened, before, & during Hampton Court.
I guess the reason I& #39;m telling you all this is because I& #39;ve reached a point in my life where I can look back on that period in time & not feel desperate sadness, or like I failed. Things happened the way they did, so I could heal & become who I am now (& I& #39;m proud of me)
To have gone from being that broken girl at the riverside who didn& #39;t feel she deserved life, to someone who believes in herself for the first time ever, is magic. I& #39;ve a job I love, the best people around me & I don& #39;t feel weighed down by my past anymore.
That& #39;s not to say I& #39;m completely healed or that my mental illnesses are gone. I& #39;m not. They& #39;re not. But I& #39;m better equipped than ever before to look after my brain. & y& #39;know, talking helped save my life; it could save yours or someone else& #39;s too one day 
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I guess what I want to say is, please give yourself time to heal. Be patient with your process, kind to your mind & know that whatever you feel is valid & it matters. Your darkest moments don& #39;t define you and you& #39;re *absolutely* braver than you realise. Please, don& #39;t give up.
My hope is to go back and visit Hampton Court when this is all over. I& #39;ve not been there since *that* day & I feel (I hope) it& #39;ll be a cathartic, healing day for me. No longer the scene of a & #39;crime& #39; as such, more the palace where a childhood dream once came true. https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ«" title="Dizzy symbol" aria-label="Emoji: Dizzy symbol">
