If you grew up in the second half of the 20th century, the liberal, utopian ideal of acceptance and inclusion was assimilation. The melting pot. We Are The world. Hands Across America. It was an attempt to stop hate by selling us an idea of universal sameness.

It was well-intentioned but it was off the mark. As someone who grew up in that climate, I had to learn that the Boomer ideal of “we’re all the same” was a passive continuation of the invisibility and erasure under which people who weren’t me struggled their whole lives.

(It sounds stupid typing it out like that but I assure you, we thought we were progressive in the 80s.)

People a little older than me still struggle with that concept, not recognizing that “hey, we’re all the same” has a grouchy “fall in line” vibe to it that historically marginalized people rightly bristle against.

Viewed on a wide enough timeline, asking the marginalized to “just blend in” can look like part of a continuum of the people in power telling them how they should act. That’s, historically, not a great continuum.

But it took me a minute as a 70s kid to understand that if someone has been told their existence is wrong or “less than” for decades, a simple “okay fine, you’re allowed to exist, now let’s forget the whole thing” probably isn’t enough.

That person who was ostracized for their differences might now justifiably feel like celebrating those differences. They might want to be able to finally show some pride about who they are.

They might just want to be seen.

Shit, they might even want to be noisy about it!

Let’s get real on the nose with the analogy:

Imagine someone being told to wear the wrong size shoe for 20 years. Do you say “yeah whoops” and shove them another pair of those shoes that YOU picked out, or do you maybe let them go shoe shopping?

If I were in their, uh, shoes, I know which one I’d want to do. And I don’t think I’d be looking for anyone’s permission to do it.

So even though us 20th century kids were programmed to believe that “everyone is the same,” I think we can get to the next step with just a little bit of empathy.

And empathy should, ideally, cut both ways. Burn the people who’ve demonstrated no willlingness to learn, sure. If you see someone trying but fucking up, consider trying to help. It might work, it might not, but empathy will never make you feel bad for trying.