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from 4 years ago on my old transition blog and i just........ really wish i& #39;d spent more time sitting with & examining these feelings rather than forcing them down as "pathetic"
i was SO hard on myself - i got into a more "transmed" way of thinking after a few months because it made me feel more validated/justified in my identity, i think, and at the time i felt like the community was more supportive. but like. it made me so harsh towards myself
i wouldn& #39;t allow any room in my own head for doubts, for exploring any kind of possibility other than i was ftm & any other identities i might have been through previously were because i& #39;d been Suppressing the Truth
also i started that blog in april & #39;16 to put my "weird gender thoughts" - started off talking about wanting to be androgynous & feeling weird about being called female, then by august was like. expressing suicidal thoughts over not being able to get testosterone
i went from being cautiously introspective & asking myself questions like "do i really want to change my body, or the way society sees me?" to "i& #39;m suicidal about my body & need to medically transition to survive" over the course of like four months.
i cannot put all the blame on tumblr but that environment must have accelerated those thoughts, like there& #39;s no way it didn& #39;t. i was feeling so lost & vulnerable & that was the answer i was being provided with
when i was looking into medical transition online, i think that& #39;s where i ended up in the extremely rigid transmed circles & almost immediately shut myself off from questioning myself out of fear of being "fake"
the idea being pushed was pretty much "you either have this medical condition (transsexualism) & must transition, or you& #39;re cis", there was a lot of mockery of/complaining about "trenders" and how they were ruining the reputation of trans people and i did NOT want to be like that
