Imposter syndrome is real, y’all. But I’m trying to think of a phrase that encompasses the presence of imposter syndrome with the backdrop of community exclusion?

I may feel like I’m a fraud, but if my faith community also validates that feeling, I have to rely on either myself or outsiders to speak affirmation and acceptance into my life. And that’s hard, y’all.

I have been thinking about this more and more lately. This is SUCH a common experience among those deconstructing and the more enmeshed your tradition is, the more traumatic it becomes.

As a woman, there’s also the added bonus of misogyny to sift through.

I hail from the Churches of Christ. It’s a funny little denomination in which we are told we aren’t connected to each other, but we are also tangled up in each other’s business. There’s no clear leader, but the rules are well established.

If I could walk you through the nuances of this sect in a way that makes sense, I would. But I can’t. Because even if I tried to summarize it, I’d end up getting something wrong.

There are hidden expectations and roles and assumptions but those are learned only after several years of adherence.

The broad strokes paint a picture of three branches of the CoC tree (conservative, midline, liberal), wherein those branches often have separate branches...

... depending on who is mad at who. (I’m about to mix metaphors, so get ready, but it is seriously confusing if you haven’t experienced it.) Each flavor of the CoC shares some of the same values and traditions but differs in other ways.

It’s like, you can’t know if you’re in the Church of Christ until you know you’re in the Church of Christ.

The Restoration movement, in general, focuses on restoring the church to the biblical narrative. Baptism for the forgiveness of sins. Acappella singing. Local government.

Elders make most decisions. All male leadership. The One True Church. Weekly communion. Unless you’re more liberal. Then maybe instruments. Male and female leadership.

Each group is guided by their respective institutions of higher learning, and each church sends their teens based upon the level of conservatism or liberalism they can tolerate.

And, as I’ve deconstructed, I realize that while the lines blur among different congregations, they are still very much drawn.

And I have officially crossed them. Not quite sure when—but I did.

Women have a very fine line to walk. If the more liberal churches “allow” them a place at the table, they are still expected to play the game.

Sweet.

Forgiving.

Patient.

Oh so patient.

The spots open to women are few, so there’s also an underlying current of fear.

If I say the wrong thing, will I lose opportunities?

It is very toxic for most women, but when you bring that up, the dismissal is swift and violent. And when you’re ghosted from a community that you dedicated your whole life to, you are sent on a trajectory...

.. that can destroy everything you thought you knew about God and faith. There’s another part to this—just because you‘ve been ousted, doesn’t mean you wanted to be. But when you continue to become something harder to understand, you are no longer welcome. And that can be lonely.

The trauma of leaving such a tight knit community can be very unsettling. And when you start to step into the light (realizing that God could be bigger than you were taught and different than you were taught;

realizing that the things that seemed life and death in the church were not big deals once outside the church), you squint and have trouble adjusting.

Eventually, there will come a time when you develop a new faith and/or identity—one that is truer and richer and deeper.

And as you start finding your voice, people start responding to it. New people. Your people. And the weird thing (the imposter thing) is that you will feel like a fraud. And that you are going to cross a new invisible line that they haven’t told you about yet.

On top of that, you will become more and more disconnected from the faith community you hailed from. But it won’t always feel good. And it is totally normal to grieve the loss of support.

It is totally normal to hear the validation of others and still crave the validation from the original. And wonder if, because they aren’t giving it to you, you really are a sham. And they’ll expose you soon.