Critters ranked by naughtiness and sheer ratbaggerry. Least naughty to most.

4. Martha. A literal angel. Martha loves me more than any other creature and only wants to make me happy

3. Stella. Mostly a very good girl. She’s a home body who loves scritches. Got out of our new house after two days and sat patiently at the back door waiting to be let back in. Occasionally is late coming to me when called and goes under Mollie’s house which is naughty.

2. Jemima. If Stella is a 3/10 on the naughtiness scale, Jemima is a 7. Mostly does as she pleases. Refuses to come when called until I get very cross with her. Insists on sitting on me 20 hours a day. Eats disgusting chicken necks on the carpet when that is not allowed.

1. Stanley. Utter villain. Bites my toes. Sits behind me and eats my hair. Locks himself into far rooms then screams, then after I let him out, he does it again. Has been found eating the neighbour’s cat food IN THEIR KITCHEN. Once brought me a live huntsman. 11/10 ratbag.

Evil genius