blessings in disguise: a thread

this time, last year, during Ramadhan, was one of the darkest times I’d been through.

I had hit the highest high I could possibly imagine, that impossible 9A+. Knowing what I was capable of, I thought I could go far, get a scholarship and fly—

— off to the UK. but alas, I had to grapple with the fact that no premier scholarship scheme would take me.

All the dreams of being a Khazanah, BNM, Petronas,
crushed,
bcs there was either no reply, or the interviewers just showed obv signs that they didn’t want me.

oh, the self-doubt.

was the choice switching to law from act sci a good one?

should have i gotten work experience pre-interview?

maybe, its the lack of volunteering programs I was in?

you know, maybe I’m not so good in communicating after all.

face it eizad. you’re mediocre.

I was truly happy for my friends who managed to secure scholarships to go overseas, but always with a bitter feeling in my heart.

I sent Ade and Sal off to France;

I saw @kimmizulkifli giving that mesmerizing speech on behalf of Petronas scholars; (you’re an inspiration bruh)

I was in the conversation between my scholar friends on unis to enroll in.

I secretly knew my parents were also sad and dissapointed although they didn’t tell me.

I knew I’ll never live that degree experience

How do you not feel jealous over them? (Still, love yall)

To rub salt to the wound,

my close juniors told me, that Cikgu Azmi said in a daily assembly:-

“Kamu tahu tak Eizad, straight A+ tu, tak dapat scholarship! Thats how hard it is to get a scholarship now”

Many teachers started to hit me up, asking whether it was true.

It wasn’t entirely true.

Luckily enough, a 9A+ recipient gets an automatic scholarship from JPA, which allows them to take most courses provided that you stay within Malaysia.

That choice was my last resort at the start. Now, it was my first.

At least it was something. Right?

luckily it was Ramadhan, and He always felt around and looking over me.

I knew that these were His plans. And my rezeki.

To console myself,
in every istikharah, I didn’t ask for

“I want to go overseas”

but rather

“do show the best path for me”

and boy, did he show me.

For some reason, I was suddenly so sure that I wanted to go to MMU for law

mainly due to the reason that I wanted a totally different experience compared to the others who wanted to take law through IPTAs

unlike everything else i did, I followed this dream and my gut instinct

In MMU, I learned that I LOVED learning law

learning concepts weren’t really a chore;

doing a bit more reading on the syllabus wasn’t really a bore;

applying laws was just so fun;

compared to how my SPM subjects was just full of puns;

I made GREAT friends too.

syaz and nureen, wherever you are, do know that you have taught me many emotional nuances that I would never even tried to understand before.

and the gangs, whether its hiking, debating, studying or lepaking in the car, do know that its been colourful

...and its been a year since.

the conversation with mama yesterday hit home for me

she said she’s so happy that I’m at home with her right now.

so grateful that I was back home in Sabah, prior to Covid-19.

if i was overseas somewhere, she wouldn’t be in peace bcs of covid 19

if i was even planning to go overseas after this, she would be reluctant to send me off

and thinking back, I would not be able to bear the fact that mama would worry over me 24/7

it’s a miracle i get to graduate from foundation while spending with mama AT THE SAME TIME

i’m not trying to put down those who are taking a levels, planning to go overseas, or even those with or without scholarships

but i want to tell you in times of uncertainty like this, you should always place faith in Allah’s plans

He always knows best.

it took one year for me to realize the benefits of something undesirable

for some of you, it may take longer.

with more convoluted dark stories compared to mine

but whats important is to put effort

and to put in faith too.

to those who are in a mess with their a levels

to those that are going thru scholarship interviews

to those who are at a step away from achieving that dream uni

do know that any uncertainty, and the effects of it, will come to help you

maybe not now, but later.

with faith.

I have always believed that effort, alongside prayers, never truly brings where you WANT to be

but where you SHOULD be.

at the right place. at the right time.

do take these last ten days to tell him your deepest, inner worries

and InsyaAllah, he will reply.
sooner or later.

and always, stay grateful.