gbbo cql. lan qiren is paul hollywood. baoshan sanren is mary berry, who remembers life before parchment paper.

wei wuxian wins the season in a stunning upset, was left for dead in the middle season due to persistent issues in technicals, but has a tour de force final act

jin zixuan wins star baker the week he makes a three-dimensional party centerpiece showing a fondant and gold leaf peacock among lotus cookies. jiang cheng makes all of his desserts purple. when jiang yanli is eliminated in the quarter finals, there isn't a dry eye in the tent

meng yao is the master of the technical bake, because he remembers every recipe he has ever read -- and he has read a lot of them. owns technical week from episode 2 on. think the precision of luis from season 5, and nadiya's innovation. has gruesome fruit-slicing accident

in the opening challenge of the season finale, medic on-scene, gushing blood, working with only his right hand and anything, perseveres into the technical, but does NOT WIN THE TECHNICAL, TURNS IN SOGGY BOTTOM PUFF PASTRY, and does not take part in the final showstopper!!!!

don't worry, he'll be fine, past season winner lan xichen will send him buckets of flowers and grapes at the hospital

will be around to engineer the move of gbbo cql to fucking channel 4 in return for bags of cash

lan wangji, master of pastry week. cold hands, technical precision, absolute cool under pressure, and his napoleons reduce lan qiren to tears. his choux dough never fails. steps over to help wei wuxian on historical week, when the biscuit knights won't um stay up

(wei wuxian fucking overdoes it with the liquor on "cocktail week." after eating his showstopper, bason sanren comments that she could probably light her breath on fire. that week, wei wuxian is definitely the guy tippling while he bakes.)

wen chao insists on setting every one of his showstoppers on fire. it's baked alaska. cherries jubilee. bananas fucking foster. one time, the judges walk into the tent to judge a technical and sigh because ONE OF THE RUM BABKAS IS ON FIRE.

wen qing has nerves of fucking steel. has to remake her cake week signature batter TWICE due to technical issues, not the showstopper, the SIGNATURE. a miracle of time management. but pulls it off. uses syringe to inject her orange drizzle cake with syringe, resulting in a

cake that baoshan sanren says is one of the moistest, most perfect she has ever eaten. a strong contender for the semifinals at least based on precision and flair, but leaves show in week 4 to help her brother through health issues.

nie huaisang is eliminated in week 1 and doesn't give a shit.

the year he competed, nie mingjue won bread week even tho he disdained the mixer for kneading. does it the old fashioned way of nie sect leaders, sleeves up, forearms out. his showstopper was a 3d bread self-portrait showing him with baxia with huaisang, who had a tiny fan

ultimately leaves in the pastry semifinals because his flavors aren't innovative/does not have the patience for fiddly book turns and chilling. lan xichen is the eventual winner of the season and star baker of the episode (excellence in pastry runs in the family) and gives

nmj such a long, long hug in the elimination segment and whispers something in his ear that we, the viewers, WILL NEVER FUCKING KNOW AND IT WILL TORMENT US

post-finale montage is them making pastry together in lan xichen's gorgeous fancy-ass west-end kitchen, both of them in

aprons, lan xichen slightly more smeared with flour including with a dab on his cheekbones, nie mingjue with those sleeves rolled up, and NMJ showing off his forearms and Xichen laughing. (A late-teens Meng Yao sees this segment and vows HE WILL GET ON GBBO)

look, i don't know what the fuck came over me either.
i think it's probably because i've written 40,000 words of miserable fiction since coming into this fandom, and i just finished the most miserable one yet, so MENG YAO WITH A PIPING BAG MAKING TINY FROSTING ROSES IT IS

just to say, for my own reference because I had to go loon up the fic that was so miserable it prompted this as an immune response —

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24202585 

legit remember finishing that and adding the extra [redacted for spoilers] per brilliant comments from @sir_rates

and being like okay, time to let it sit for a little while to get perspective for a final edit before posting I’m fine I’m fine it’s cool

and then uh, this.