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Aragorn
- has a trust fund, asks you to split dinner anyway because he’s “broke”
- bad boy aversion to responsibility used to be hot, now it’s just getting annoying
- “shampoo is bad for your hair”
- has a trust fund, asks you to split dinner anyway because he’s “broke”
- bad boy aversion to responsibility used to be hot, now it’s just getting annoying
- “shampoo is bad for your hair”
Sam:
- really affectionate, but if you don’t text back he melts down
- won’t let you buy non-organic produce
- his best friend is your best friend now, you’re the third wheel on all your dates
- really affectionate, but if you don’t text back he melts down
- won’t let you buy non-organic produce
- his best friend is your best friend now, you’re the third wheel on all your dates
Legolas:
- will not tell anyone you’re dating so he can keep his options open
- steals your hair products
- complains when he sees girls wearing Thrasher tees
- will not tell anyone you’re dating so he can keep his options open
- steals your hair products
- complains when he sees girls wearing Thrasher tees
Gimli:
- used to be fun but you never leave the house anymore
- if you talk during a football game you’re dead to him
- enormous family who won’t stop asking when you’re going to have kids
- used to be fun but you never leave the house anymore
- if you talk during a football game you’re dead to him
- enormous family who won’t stop asking when you’re going to have kids
Eomer:
- only drinks craft beer and he will not shut up about it
- has confused brooding with having a personality
- not so much a “boyfriend” as the hot mistake you keep making over and over and over...
- only drinks craft beer and he will not shut up about it
- has confused brooding with having a personality
- not so much a “boyfriend” as the hot mistake you keep making over and over and over...
Faramir:
- more baggage than the overhead compartment of a 747
- really sweet but cannot get his shit together
- all that vanilla sex is starting to get real boring
- more baggage than the overhead compartment of a 747
- really sweet but cannot get his shit together
- all that vanilla sex is starting to get real boring
Merry
- complete burn out
- banter is fun only until you realize your entire relationship is based on antagonism
- he is going to get you into serious trouble one day
- complete burn out
- banter is fun only until you realize your entire relationship is based on antagonism
- he is going to get you into serious trouble one day
Pippin
- secret artistic side kinda not making up for what a clown he is
- caves instantly to peer pressure
- you can’t leave him unsupervised for like a second
- secret artistic side kinda not making up for what a clown he is
- caves instantly to peer pressure
- you can’t leave him unsupervised for like a second
Boromir
- horrible combination of inferiority complex and fragile ego
- has never heard the word “no”
- really, really thinks getting married will fix your relationship problems?
- horrible combination of inferiority complex and fragile ego
- has never heard the word “no”
- really, really thinks getting married will fix your relationship problems?
Frodo:
- doe-eyed schtick is getting tired
- complete layabout who’s never worked a day in his life
- estimation of his own moral superiority is somehow both unshakeable and totally unearned
- doe-eyed schtick is getting tired
- complete layabout who’s never worked a day in his life
- estimation of his own moral superiority is somehow both unshakeable and totally unearned
Gandalf:
- ghosts you exactly when you need him most
- probably in a crappy prog rock band, keeps “reinventing” himself
- “weed sommelier”
- ghosts you exactly when you need him most
- probably in a crappy prog rock band, keeps “reinventing” himself
- “weed sommelier”
Treebeard:
- there are only so many hours in the goddamn day
- serves you mushrooms of suspect providence
- no seriously, what happened to your ex wife? You “lost” her? I’m gonna need you to be a lot more specific, bud
- there are only so many hours in the goddamn day
- serves you mushrooms of suspect providence
- no seriously, what happened to your ex wife? You “lost” her? I’m gonna need you to be a lot more specific, bud
Haldir:
- on again, off again bc he lives for drama
- backhanded compliments
- influencer who keeps mining your relationship for content
- on again, off again bc he lives for drama
- backhanded compliments
- influencer who keeps mining your relationship for content
Elrond:
- dude...that was kind of racist
- orders for you at restaurants
- never apologizes ever, for anything, even if it’s his fault
- dude...that was kind of racist
- orders for you at restaurants
- never apologizes ever, for anything, even if it’s his fault
Theoden:
- daddy dom well dried up
- not worth having to sit through another monologue about how “music today is all beeps and boops”
- performance in off-broadway production of Hamlet left a lot to be desired
- daddy dom well dried up
- not worth having to sit through another monologue about how “music today is all beeps and boops”
- performance in off-broadway production of Hamlet left a lot to be desired
Denethor:
- terrible table manners
- no
- why would you ever?
- terrible table manners
- no
- why would you ever?
Gollum:
- he is definitely going to steal your wallet one of these days
- does not want you to have any friends
- will not stop talking about himself in the third person
- he is definitely going to steal your wallet one of these days
- does not want you to have any friends
- will not stop talking about himself in the third person
Sarumon:
- Spends way too much time on Reddit
- has a PHD in philosophy, and works it into every conversation
- is absolutely cheating on you
- Spends way too much time on Reddit
- has a PHD in philosophy, and works it into every conversation
- is absolutely cheating on you
Isildur
- more of an ill-advised fling you had on vacation
- works in investment banking
- turns out he’s married
- more of an ill-advised fling you had on vacation
- works in investment banking
- turns out he’s married
Bilbo:
- allergic to fun
- thinks you need to “broaden your horizons” so he wants you to read Kerouac
- Calls himself a self-made man even though he inherented the house
- allergic to fun
- thinks you need to “broaden your horizons” so he wants you to read Kerouac
- Calls himself a self-made man even though he inherented the house
Wormtongue
- 100% gaslighting you
- has never changed the sheets, ever
- “Name five of their songs, poseur”
- 100% gaslighting you
- has never changed the sheets, ever
- “Name five of their songs, poseur”
The Witch King
- despite obvious predilection for gender-bending, doesn’t respect anyone else’s pronouns
- listens to screamo at ear splitting volumes
- won’t post photos of you together on Insta bc you’re bad for his aesthetic
- despite obvious predilection for gender-bending, doesn’t respect anyone else’s pronouns
- listens to screamo at ear splitting volumes
- won’t post photos of you together on Insta bc you’re bad for his aesthetic
Last by special request, Thorin:
- historical figure he relates to most is Lord Byron
- needs constant reassurance that he’s hotter than your exes
- won’t just come out and call you a gold digger, but he’s thinking it
- historical figure he relates to most is Lord Byron
- needs constant reassurance that he’s hotter than your exes
- won’t just come out and call you a gold digger, but he’s thinking it
Cc @CanadiEnby
