Content warning: stress, depression, etc
Taking on the identity of " #disability" has been a struggle for me. I kept thinking, this is only temporary. I kept thinking, others need assistance so much more than I do.

Grieving for myself has been a process.
1/n

I worked my ass off. Went thru hunger, job & financial insecurity, abuse. Along the way, I promised myself that this PhD would fix all of that.

Now most jobs are out of reach. Can't work lab jobs. Can't commute long distances. Can barely work in a typical office setting.
2/n

I told myself the $130k debt would be worth it bc I'd be able to get a high paying job. I even got a decent enuf job starting off. If I could do this job for 3yrs, I could start to feel confident in my $ future.
That's not happening (I promise this thread is going somewhere)
3/n

The remote jobs I've been able to talk to someone abt, they don't see my experience as enuf. Things I knew I'd need in my PhD but my PI disagreed, & he paid the bills.

The grieving process is seeing all of these things happen and feeling like I've wasted my life.
4/n

But I'm not the 1st person to say that the disability isn't the problem. My current job could easily have let me WFH from the start, but chose not to. Tons of jobs are like that. That's a systemic problem.

Doesn't make it easier. But it's part of the grieving process.

5/n

The grieving process is coming to terms with all of this, all the good things lost, all the bad things gained. It's about realizing that things arent going as planned, but that doesn't have to mean that my life is over.

6/n

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is not temporary. That I'm going to need assistance, and I'm going to have to learn when and how to ask for help.

I'm taking on the disability identity while acknowledging that I'm still dealing with these emotions.
7/n

I've worked in advocacy circles for a long time now, & I've always believed that things are worse than they appear from the outside. Even ppl who try hard can't comprehend the extent of hardship. This is def true with disability. I thought I understood, but I didn't.

8/n

As I work thru this, I want to be honest w myself abt this. I want to share this as just one in a million stories, in no way extraordinary.

And if you made it to this point in the thread, thanks for being here.
9/9