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Content warning: stress, depression, etc
Taking on the identity of " #disability" has been a struggle for me. I kept thinking, this is only temporary. I kept thinking, others need assistance so much more than I do.
Grieving for myself has been a process.
1/n
Taking on the identity of " #disability" has been a struggle for me. I kept thinking, this is only temporary. I kept thinking, others need assistance so much more than I do.
Grieving for myself has been a process.
1/n
I worked my ass off. Went thru hunger, job & financial insecurity, abuse. Along the way, I promised myself that this PhD would fix all of that.
Now most jobs are out of reach. Can& #39;t work lab jobs. Can& #39;t commute long distances. Can barely work in a typical office setting.
2/n
Now most jobs are out of reach. Can& #39;t work lab jobs. Can& #39;t commute long distances. Can barely work in a typical office setting.
2/n
I told myself the $130k debt would be worth it bc I& #39;d be able to get a high paying job. I even got a decent enuf job starting off. If I could do this job for 3yrs, I could start to feel confident in my $ future.
That& #39;s not happening (I promise this thread is going somewhere)
3/n
That& #39;s not happening (I promise this thread is going somewhere)
3/n
The remote jobs I& #39;ve been able to talk to someone abt, they don& #39;t see my experience as enuf. Things I knew I& #39;d need in my PhD but my PI disagreed, & he paid the bills.
The grieving process is seeing all of these things happen and feeling like I& #39;ve wasted my life.
4/n
The grieving process is seeing all of these things happen and feeling like I& #39;ve wasted my life.
4/n
But I& #39;m not the 1st person to say that the disability isn& #39;t the problem. My current job could easily have let me WFH from the start, but chose not to. Tons of jobs are like that. That& #39;s a systemic problem.
Doesn& #39;t make it easier. But it& #39;s part of the grieving process.
5/n
Doesn& #39;t make it easier. But it& #39;s part of the grieving process.
5/n
The grieving process is coming to terms with all of this, all the good things lost, all the bad things gained. It& #39;s about realizing that things arent going as planned, but that doesn& #39;t have to mean that my life is over.
6/n
6/n
I& #39;m slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is not temporary. That I& #39;m going to need assistance, and I& #39;m going to have to learn when and how to ask for help.
I& #39;m taking on the disability identity while acknowledging that I& #39;m still dealing with these emotions.
7/n
I& #39;m taking on the disability identity while acknowledging that I& #39;m still dealing with these emotions.
7/n
I& #39;ve worked in advocacy circles for a long time now, & I& #39;ve always believed that things are worse than they appear from the outside. Even ppl who try hard can& #39;t comprehend the extent of hardship. This is def true with disability. I thought I understood, but I didn& #39;t.
8/n
8/n
As I work thru this, I want to be honest w myself abt this. I want to share this as just one in a million stories, in no way extraordinary.
And if you made it to this point in the thread, thanks for being here.
9/9
And if you made it to this point in the thread, thanks for being here.
9/9
