im just lonely i’m tired of it. i love and value my alone time but i wish it wasn’t ALL of my time that i spend alone

i haven’t felt like someone cared about me in a long time

i recently figured out that the reason i attach to people so quickly and fiercely is because i’m terrified they’re all ill ever have. and the reason i always end up pushing them away is bc i eventually realize that i’m dispensable and don’t mean as much to them as much as they

mean to me ( bc other ppl are normal and have a variety of people in their lives, which i don’t understand bc ive never had that). i’m used to depending on 1 person for all my happiness( which is def unhealthy) so it hurts and is jarring when the other person doesn’t feel that.

so i panic amidst the humiliation of being in an unequal relationship, try to make myself as aloof as possible, and push them and (attempt to) push away my feelings to overcompensate for/mask my hurt and heal my wounded ego. it’s a cycle i go through it with so many people

i don’t know how to be friends with someone casually i’m always searching for a deeper intimacy than exists between us because i’m so hungry and aching for it

i want to stop going through this unhealthy cycle with everyone but i don’t know how to stop. ive never had a healthy relationship with anyone, much less many

and ive been thinking about HOW i cling to these one sided relationships ... i really smother the other person bc i want SO BAD to have a bond, anything, something. it’s insane

across my history of having best friends, i ALWAYS stick to the other person like a baby bird w its mom... i depend on them not just for happiness but also expect them to basically keep me..safe? in social situations. and i pick up their friends by extension,so i never learned

how to make friends on my own. i use 1 person as my protection between me and the rest of the world. invest all my love and pain into them, unloading so much responsibility and expectation onto someone who doesn’t expect or deserve it! they become my comfort zone. all i have.

i put the world on their shoulders. it’s unfair to notbjust them but myself and i cant believe i’ve never examined or articulated what i’ve been doing to people for this long. this thread is just me realizing how i dig my own grave