This hearing is now convened, and evidence will be presented as to the crimes of JJ Abrams, Alex Kurtzman, and Roberto Orci in the making of their 2009 film reboot of Star Trek, unhelpfully entitled Star Trek.

Trekkers seem to have settled on Star Trek Into Darkness (STID) as being the worst Star Trek film. This is certainly a defensible position. STID has terrible plot, terrible fanservice, murky characterization, a confusing, nonsensical plot twist, and "bling"ons.

But, I daresay STID makes some sense. Some sense. It's basically a bad mashup of Wrath of Khan, Space Seed (TOS), Paradise Lost (DS9), and Terra Prime (ENT).

These fit together awkwardly, but they do largely fit together and form a mostly logical chain of events in the movie.

The same cannot be said of Star Trek 2009 (which we will henceforth refer to as ST09).

Past the first 30 or so minutes, nothing about this film follows consistent logic or framing. It is simply contrivance upon contrivance, hidden by JJ Abrams' trademark lightning fast pacing.

This starts when Nero reappears and it is announced that a lightning storm in space has been observed.

Kirk, knowing what this means because it happened on the day of his birth, rushes to the bridge to warn Capt. Pike that the Enterprise is warping into a trap!

Just one thing.

Yeah, Pike was there.

I'm willing to let it go that Kirk was extremely well versed in the events of his birth, despite obviously not being able to remember them, but we clearly see Pike in the big dramatic opening scene.

In fact, Pike describes it to Kirk in the bar earlier.

This is either a classic plot hole (i.e. the writers forgot that Pike was there for Nero's first appearance) or a dumb contrivance in order to get Kirk to come to the bridge, be right about something, and make himself useful enough to get appointed *2nd officer.*

Now going from academic probation to 3rd in command is one hell of a promotion, but that's necessary for a contrivance later Imma get into.

And I'm letting go completely that Kirk knew it was a trap in part because he heard Uhura talking about it to a roommate Kirk was banging.

But whatever, so The Enterprise in no way heeds Kirk's warning and warps into a debris field of an entire Starfleet armada that has been destroyed.

AN ARMADA.

MANY MANY SHIPS.

DESTROYED.

*this will be important later

Blah blah blah. Pike goes aboard Nero's ship, Kirk tries to save Vulcan. Neither succeed at much of anything.

Nero and the Narada leave to go destroy Earth.

Spock decides it's too dangerous to pursue. That the Enterprise should link up with main fleet.

Kirk, decides to MUTINY.

In a bout of emotionality, Kirk violently mutinies and tries to take the Enterprise to Earth to fight Nero.

Spock calmly nerve pinches him and then...

Has him ejected from the ship in a lifepod?

This is our first REALLY big plot contrivance. The Enterprise has a brig. All big ships do. We even see it in the sequel. And no one, not a soul, supported Kirk's mutiny.

What possessed Spock to do this?

The answer is the writers did, to get to the next contrivance.

So Kirk is ejected and lands on a desolate icy landscape. He is then chased by, not one, but two lizard monsters that look like they belong in a tropical climate until WONDER OF WONDERS...

He blunders into a cave inhabited by Spock Prime (Leonard Nimoy).

Spock scares off a monster with a tiny torch.

And wouldn't you just know it, Spockers knows all about Nero and gives us a big 'ol exposition dump for why Nero is a bad guy and how all this time travel happened, and how Kirk an Spock are *destined* to be good friends.

So armed with some (useful?) new information Kirk and Spock Prime head towards a federation outpost and WONDER OF WONDERS...Scotty is there with a poop alien.

So Scotty is introduced along with a new, very dumb thing, transwarp beaming.

Ya see, the Enterprise has long ago warped away from the Vulcan system and...whatever planet Kirk, Spock Prime, and Scotty are on but WONDER OF WONDERS...

Spock knows that future Scotty has invented transwarp beaming, which should get them to the Enterprise.

Now, just as an aside, transwarp beaming breaks Star Trek.

The Dominion had transporter tech that could take someone interstellar distances, but it did feel somewhat limited.

Not only does transwarp beaming operate over long distance, it places people on objects moving at warp.

That's pretty crazy and contrived, but it gets the writers out of the hole they dug themselves into

Before Kirk goes, Spock Prime tells him that young Spock (Quinto) is emotionally compromised and shouldn't be in command of the Enterprise.

And here is where things fall apart.

One (action?) sequence later Kirk is back on the bridge and trying to trigger Spock by talking about his mom and talking about how dangerous the Narada is and saying how illogical Spock is right now.

Do you see the problem here?

Spock never acted crazy. Spock didn't try to order the ship to pursue Nero in a vengeance filled craze. Spock's mother was killed right before him, and he had the presence of mind to remember the Enterprise was no match for the Narada.

Kirk was the suicidally emotional one.

I know, I know, you're sick of hearing me say, "They f*cked up the framing." But I'm sorry, they f*cked up the framing.

There is no reason for us to have ever thought Spock was unqualified for command, except that Spock Prime said he was unqualified for command.

The Narada effortlessly annihilated an entire Starfleet armada. MANY SHIPS!

WTF was the Enterprise gonna do to stop it? What would the Enterprise have done if they'd given chase? What was Kirk's plan?

SPOILER ALERT: He didn't have one.

Spock was in the right.

And that's not just me applying my own good brain logic to the movie.

There's actually a short scene where Uhura takes Spock aside and tells him (of Kirks ejection from the ship) "We all understand why you had to do what you did."

So anyone out there who wants to reply to me with, "Well maybe Spock ejecting Kirk from the ship *was* him being emotionally compromised?" I would simply point you to how the film itself justifies what Spock did.

DUMB as it was. No one else had a problem with Spock's actions.

But because this whole series of events has basically been contrived to put Kirk in the captain's chair, that's exactly what happens.

Kirk bullies Spock until the latter has a rageout, and relieves himself of duty. And Kirk, despite being 100% GUILTY OF MUTINY, takes command.

But you gotta ask yourself, what's changed and why?

Earlier in ST09, we see Kirk undergo the Kobayashi Maru test at the Starfleet Academy, and he does that thing he's famous for, cheat, and say, "I don't believe in a no win scenario."

Now, this movie changes the purpose of the exam from a test of character in a no-win situation to, "you need to experience fear."

These two things don't connect much. But if we look at the structure of the test and apply it to the end of Act 3, they are remarkably similar.

There is a no-win scenario going on in this movie.

Chase down Nero and probably get destroyed, or, do nothing, and Earth gets destroyed. Kirk supported the former action, Spock supported the latter.

Just like any 'ol cadet could decide to save or abandon The Maru to its fate.

Now in Wrath, the whole point of the Kobayashi Maru test in the narrative was as a setup for Kirk to be humbled later. He did not face death, he did not face the no-win scenario, he cheated to avoid it, but Khan forces him to face it.

To face death.

That created a pretty strong character arc. It added dimensionality to the character of James T. Kirk.

But there's no reason you couldn't do the opposite, and vindicate Kirk's belief that there isn't such a thing as a no-win scenario.

You would just have to be clever about it.

If Kirk is faced with Sophie's Choice, but comes up with a clever third way to solve a situation, to cheat death, okay! Thinking outside the box and surprising the audience is great!

It's just that, in ST09, Kirk doesn't do that.

As we have established, Kirk had no way of overcoming the Narada *before* he met Spock Prime. And actually, the movie never tells us just what Kirk plans to do now that he's in charge.

He's gonna take the Enterprise after Nero and do...something.

The implication is that Kirk is equipped to deal with the Narada because he knows about Spock Prime's timeship, and the red matter, and all that, because of the exposition dump he received earlier.

Which Kirk would never have gotten if Spock hadn't ejected him from the ship.

Plotwise, this is all fine. CONTRIVED AS HELL. But fine.

Thematically though, it's devastating. Kirk's outrageous actions earlier in the film are being given ex post facto justification based on a series of deus ex machinas powered by the writers, not by Kirk's own actions.

Kirk does not grow or learn as a character. He has no real arc, he's just handed the information he needs to know by Spock Prime in order to be the hero he needs to be later.

So even if the movie wanted to vindicate Kirk's "I don't believe in the no-win scenario" it...doesn't.

Oh but it gets worse.

See, in this timeline Kirk didn't invent the "I don't believe in the no-win situation" line. It is told to him, by Pike (in the bar scene where they chat) and is attributed to James' father George Kirk.

Who SACRIFICED HIMSELF IN THE OPENING SCENE!

Yeah, remember that awesome intro scene?

George Kirk was placed in a no-win scenario. His captain was dead, his ship, the Kelvin, was outmatched, he had no good options. What did he do?

He ordered an evacuation and rammed the Narada at full speed so the others could escape.

George Kirk's actions in ST09 are like an echo of what Spock did in Wrath of Khan. His solution to the Kobayashi Maru was self sacrifice. Placing the value of the many over the one, or the few.

So what's James Kirk's big plan for defeating Nero?

Well he and Spock beam aboard the Narada (somehow), save Pike, and use Spock Prime's timeship to destroy the Narada.

And that's pretty much it.

No elaborate plan. Nothing clever. Spock helps Kirk because Sarek phoned him and told him he loved Spock's dead mom.

There's some emotional sleight of hand going on here, but it...it's just more nothing.

As Nero is dying Kirk offers to help him...for some reason. But Nero refuses aid, so Spock gets to watch and enjoy the catharsis of Nero dying. Which is gross.

And it just never comes up that Nero is also responsible for the death of Kirk's father.

Kirk has no reaction.

About the only thing that is set up and paid off is the trite idea that Kirk and Spock are destined to be friends and work together.

Which was prophesied by Spock Prime on the unnamed ice planet right next to Vulcan (which is a desert planet).

Look, I could spend hours and thousands more words on little, incidental things that I don't like about this movie.

I could talk about how weird the Spock/Uhura pairing is, I could talk about turning Kirk into an angsty frat boy, or the Enterprise being built in Iowa...

None of that really matters though, ya know? Canon, while an asset to worldbuilding, doesn't even really matter, just so long as a story is good and well told.

To the extent there is a story in this movie, it is neither good nor well told.

A lot of people point out that the Picard in Star Trek: First Contact is not the Picard of Next Generation.

And they're right.

TNG Picard wouldn't go on a Ahabesque mission of revenge the way he does in FC.

But the thing is, despite that inconsistency, that movie works on its own terms.

The Borg are set up, starting in the first scene, has having had a deep psychological impact on Picard, and that justifies his actions right up until they don't.

Right up until Lily talks him down.

I don't know what terms ST09 is operating on. What is the message I am supposed to take away from it?

That friendship is good? To follow my destiny? Fambly?

Star Trek Into Darkness is partially a product of Roberto Orci being a 9/11 truther. Admiral Robocop is a stand in for the Bush administration and the Blingons are Arabs.

It's blunt, and dumb, but as Walter Sobchak would say...

"At least it's an ethos."