If anyone's seen the "Black Museum" episode of Black Mirror, that's exactly what it's like to be a survivor of CSEM.

My abuse is immortalized in a tiny scene trapped in a device that allows it to be replayed over & over, and I experience the same pain & trauma each time.

It makes it impossible for me to heal. I never feel safe. I can never move on. How do I form an identity when I'll forever be seen as the 5-year-old with long blond hair, screaming while I'm violently raped? Or the toddler tied to the table. Or the squirming infant on the bed.

I'm now 19 with short brown hair. I start college in the fall. I love to draw, & my favorite author is Ray Bradbury. I love watching Youtube video essays. I read shitty Marvel fanfics in my free time. My friends are the most important people in my life & I'd do anything for them.

But when I see those videos....I feel like I'm that little kid again. I feel like it's happening all over again.

That's what the people who watch my videos will see me as, even in 50 years. Even after I'm dead, my abuse will live on & continue, immortalized in those pictures.

I now have friends online who've only seen me through these videos. They wouldn't recognize me today, but they could recognize me from my porn.

How the hell am I supposed to move on when my entire life revolves around abuse that occurred years ago?

CSEM isn't like normal trauma. It's not just 'sexual abuse with a camera involved'.
It's its own type of never-ending torture. It means my abuse will never stop, even though no one's touched me in years. It means I can never move on from what happened to me.

It means I'll always be known as the crying little kid in the videos. No matter how much I try, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much I change. I'll always just be the little kid in the video.

I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with that.