Read on Twitter
Having not accomplished a great deal in my life thus far I struggle with the question of whether there is dignity in pursuing creative work even if I cannot be confident that the fruits will ever be truly impressive. a few questions I have here
I find that my work lacks a certain “oomph” that might thrust it into truly remarkable territory. I’m thinking of a kind of charisma that makes something genuinely compelling, surprising vs something with more mild characteristics. My work is..mild
Is there a point at which I must decide it is so unlikely that I will break through to this other realm that I should give up trying? The first response I have here is how can I ever know this? Is not a break through by it’s very nature beyond an unseen limit?
Furthermore, for numerous reasons I know I have never *truly* committed myself to seriously working at something to the degree that I feel is needed to surpass my limits. Jobs (cursed!), addiction, laziness, etc. have intruded upon the space of work as well.
Also, what if my very perception of my work & of myself is flawed? Such that I hold myself back by misperceiving what I do, judging too harshly and to irrational extremes.
But is there a dignity in labor even when the “product” must always remain of uncertain value? If I die without “breaking through” can it be that the work itself would be meaningful enough to pursue nevertheless? Is this humility? Or cowardice?
I wish I had some touchstone, some fundamental link to a sense that what I’m doing is valuable, interesting, worth doing. I fear that relying on myself so much as the source of this sense of worth will always be insecure to a dissatisfying degree.
Despite this profound sense of insecurity I continue to pursue my work as a kind of Hail Mary. I guess it is a kind of faith, perhaps merely foolishness. But I am weary of flickering. I wish to truly glow in deep, steady hues.
It is quite likely that I ought to cease “sincere posting” at once
One final thought - is pursuing something “great” a kind of childishness? Is it more dignified to work, even if you *know* it’s merely mild, minor, middle brow?
Maybe what is “great” is simply pursuing something with sincerity and out of love.
