friend of mine had to fire her therapist for being too positive. got me to thinking about the destructive power of being supportive

we're all pretty familiar with the enabler type I think. back in the trailer park I saw battered wives buying their husbands more alcohol or meth because it was "loving" and "sacrificial". crazy hoes had martyr complexes, sad as fuck

my friend has been through a lot of shit and come out remarkably well adjusted considering. the shrink was overly impressed: "you are so strong! it's a miracle you made it this far! you are incredible" etc etc

friend felt herself losing her shit: "am I supposed to have failed? have I just been lucky so far? am I not damaged enough?" what were meant as positive words of praise subtly framed her as freakishly healthy, as if actually overcoming trauma were aberrant

luckily she's an older woman who knows herself well. she got rid of the cheerleader and found a shrink who asked hard questions and pointed out uncomfortable truths. sessions are less pleasant, but she's improving again

shows up in other areas too: a family friend was morbidly obese. he got validated straight into an early grave - died in his 50s of heart failure. surely there's a middle ground between "kys hog" and "one nothing wrong with me two nothing wrong with me"

I wonder if the motive behind positivity/affirmation is really compassionate, or if it's just virtue signalling. there's a disney meme: "assholes/abusive people cover themselves under the term 'tough love'" but that doesn't mean love is soft

telling someone they can do no wrong isn't love, it's enabling. putting the bar on the floor and praising someone for exceeding that isn't love, it's condescension. doing these things won't help anyone, but it can certainly damage them

k im done