Read on Twitter
This may be too much for Twitter but the thing that I keep coming back to is that I was really trying to let myself be vulnerable in the months leading up to quarantine. Ready to let others in, to make an effort to get closer to people, just as we were all forced to pull apart
A friend told me that I seem to process having my guard up at "only" 95% as extreme vulnerability, and I know they're right. I've been trying to be more open with the people in my life, and it's been fucking hard. One thing that helps is telling people I'm making this effort.
But as a result I've been emotional, sometimes feeling reckless, like the floodgates have opened, trying to avoid the shame of having feelings that other people know about, and are now burdened to contend with. I've felt embarrassed all the time.
But I've been trying to push through it, my arms stretched wide, ready to confront the greater wind-resistance of running in that stance. I know a willingness to be vulnerable is something I'll only achieve by actually doing it, like an emotional muscle memory.
But the physical isolation makes it so much harder, in ways I couldn't anticipate. Being so shut off from people makes everything I do or say seem like a expression of feeling that's completely out of my control. It's exhausting.
There’s no end to this thread, it’s just what I’m thinking about these days. Maybe I should delete this, but for now I’ll let it sit. I dont know. Maybe this is exactly the kind of recklessness I was referring to. I should be writing.
