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in year 7 it was the end of the English class, we had to stand up before we were dismissed, i sat next to two boys and as i stood up and one of the boys grabbed my breast and all of his friends sat there and laughed, my friend said it was my fault because i took my blazer off
and i shouldn't do it again, the teacher saw and as we walked out she said to the boy "keep your hand to yourself" and laughed, that didn't stop him
in year 8 i was sat next to a boy in science and he would touch my thighs during class and i could never say anything because "i asked for it" by sitting next to him, i was chubby and my trousers were tight, the girls behind would laugh because they found it funny
these girls were the same girls that were my friends, they spread around school that i was a slag and that i asked for the boys to touch me, all of the boys got that idea of me so it would carry on in different lessons and at different time
in year 9, i met my first boyfriend and we dated for a few weeks and despite it being my first boyfriend i wasn't ready for anything, he took my first kiss from me when i never wanted to, he knew boys from the schools that would meet at the bus stop down the road
he would tell them he was just here for "one thing", he would bring condoms and try to convince me to have sex with him but i wouldn't, i was too scared. we broke up, after a while he messaged me and told me i was too "frigid" and it would've never worked, he blamed me
in year 10, my best friend had left from my school to move to a girls school, we used to go home together. one of the days, i left school late because of intervention and i had to get the bus home because my driver wasn't available to pick me up, he had his own children
while i was walking to the bus stop i cut through a park, i didn't realise that one boy from my school was following me, he lived up by dudley road. he started walking faster until he was directly behind me, i asked what he wanted
he pushed my against a tree and pushed himself onto me, i could feel that he was hard and told me he could do what he wanted because i'm just a "slag", i pushed him back and only managed to get away because his phone dropped to the floor and ran to the bus stop
i was shaking when i got on the bus and i couldn't breathe, when i got home i showered for 2 hours and i cut myself for the first time. i didn't know who I was, i wasn't a slag and all i'd ever been told was that i was a slag, i'm a slag and a bitch and that boys can do what
ever they wanted with me. a couple months later, the same boy and his two friends followed me home again and punched me twice in the arm, this time i wasn't alone but the friend i was with wouldn't risk himself to help me and i would've never asked him to risk anything for me
when i went to the teachers i broke down and told them what happened, my councillor advised me to go to the police and we did. my mum came to school and sat with me while i told them what happened, a member of SLT came and sat with me and while she listened to what I said,
she told me blank to my face i was lying and these boys didn't mean it "like that", she also said the fact i knew his birthday proves that we were "more than friends". after the situation, the whole school turned on me because i was a so-called "snitch" and i left
in year 11 i got into my first relationship, and the same boys went and found the boy i was talking to, sent him things and told him i was a slag and never ever to be considered as "wifey" because of how tarnished i was
i thought that my first relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that he loved me. i thought he was right when he controlled me, didnt let me wear anything but an abaya and didnt let me talk to boys - i never knew that he had spoken to the boys until later
in an argument he told me i was nothing but a slag too, that i had been used and he didnt believe I was a virgin, i planned on marrying him, he told me no one would ever love me because i'd been touched and that i was lucky to have been with someone like him, that i should be
grateful that he was disrespecting HIMSELF by being with someone who had such a slaggy "past". i was a virgin, hadn't been touched but he never believed me because it was my word, his girlfriend's, against a group of 4-5 boys and it was them who he believed
i used to breakdown every night, cry myself to sleep because i convinced myself this was the only person who would ever love me and i deserved everything that happened to me. i believed i was a 'slag' and that he was the only person who would save me from myself
i'd been told recently by a girl that this boy would never want to speak to me because 'he heard rumours about me and wanted a try' as there would be NO logical reason that he wanted to speak to ME, just ME we ended up stopping speaking anyways, my insecurities made me clingy etc
i've been slut shamed by a group of girls who were supposedly meant to be my friends, for clout, to the point my entire sixth form has the idea of me as being a bitch, a slut who talks about everyone - the reason i say clout was that the girls had an audience
they had an audience and continued to expose me knowing full well, a few of the things that had happened to me. they always told me i didnt deserve what happened, but it looks like they didn't. before anyone calls me out for what happened, i've forgiven them but it still hurts
now the reason i wrote this thread is because i want closure from everything that happened to me and also to tell anyone who's gone through the same things that you shouldn't be ashamed of what has happened to you, these things are horrible yes, but they make you YOU
you are still beautiful, you are still whole, you are still amazing and NO ONE can take your identity away from yourself. struggling with your mental health will always be a battle, i'm here as someone who still struggles with her own and doubts her worth all the time
one day there is going to be a day when you look in the mirror and you dont see flaws, you see beauty because you have always been amazing you're just struggling to see it right now, one day you will see it with clear vision and think fuck what everyone else thinks, I am who I am
one other thing, men may be trash and the men i've come across are evil not "confused" or "young", just undereducated in what consent and respect is, but there are good men out there so you shouldn't close yourself away from everyone out of fear from the past
