At long last and after much ado, I've finally put together the

EUROVISION MEGA-THREAD

Are you unfamiliar with the Eurovision Song Contest? Well I'd say you're in the right place, because I'm here to introduce you to something that brings me a lot of joy.

The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual competition where European countries submit a song (and performer) to the competition and a winner is selected.

Eurovision is loved for many reasons, but it's known for being a SPECTACLE— there's a reason people throw ESC watch parties.

To start, most successful Eurovision songs are catchy, memorable, wacky, and fun, and a great example of a ridiculous song that one Europe over is the winner of the 2018 Eurovision Song Contest (ESC) representing Israel performing the song, "Toy."

I know @emmonsaggie is already about to tweet me about this so I'll go ahead and include one of his favorites. No, it's not The Wiggles— it's Lake Malawi, representing the Czech Republic.

I would be remiss if I didn't start this off with one of my all-time favorite Eurovision entries: "Only Teardrops," by Emmelie de Forest from Denmark! I love this song

Before we get too much further, let's give a little bit of useful background.

First: songs are limited to 3 minutes and that means I have to cut these down to 2:20. This means often the first part of the song or even the climax are getting cut.

Secondly, I'd explain some of the history, but Petra and Måns, hosts of the 2017 ESC in Sweden explain it better than I ever could, so ENJOY:

PART II:

So if you skipped over that (why are you here?), the gist is that it's been going on for over 60 years and each year more people watch it than watch the Super Bowl!

In fact, even if you've never heard of Eurovision, you may have heard artists that were made famous by Eurovision!

In 1958, Italy sent Dominico Modugno to sing the winning song "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu."

There's a good chance you recognize this song— Dean Martin did a cover of this song (calling it "Volare") and it's one of the most-played standards out there.

Several decades ago, a little Swedish band performed a song called "Waterloo." You may have heard of them: ABBA rocketed to international fame after their 1974 Eurovision victory with the song "Waterloo."

Oh, and Céline Dion? Her big break was her 1988 victory for Switzerland with "Ne Partez Pas Sans Moi."

The Swiss have been almost exclusively terrible at Eurovision ever since, lol

More recently: if you were Online in 2010-11, I'm SURE you've seen this song, especially the part at 0:34. Yes, "Epic Sax Guy" or whatever was a part of Moldova's 2010 entry to the ESC. They may have only been 22nd, but they're the #1 Meme in our hearts.

I mentioned "2010" so again, in fear of @emmonsaggie's vengeful tweets, I present to you who *actually* won the 2010 ESC: the wonderful Lena with "Satellite."

This is pretty much the only time in the 21st century that Germany would do well.

Alright, since you're actually still here, it's time to really get into it. Yes, we're gonna discuss voting and how the winners are selected.

—WAIT—don't leave yet! The voting process is complicated but I need to do a BRIEF overview because it *is* important to this!

After all of the countries have performed their song, the European public votes via phone/text. The catch: you can't vote for your own country.

Each country also has a jury, and what happens is the overall scoring comes 50% from the jury, 50% from the public.

Here's why that's important: your song has to be good!

That's obvious... you need to win the jury (generally made up of music professionals) and the public.

BUT! since people are sitting at home and texting in their favorite, you also need to be MEMORABLE.

For example! Ukraine's 2014 song "Tick Tock" isn't bad at all, BUT IT HAS A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL!

!!!!!

Similarly, 2013 Azerbaijan presented probably my all-time favorite Eurovision stage gimmick because this is totally awesome and flawlessly done. It never gets old.

Okay, now for likely the most legendary Eurovision performance of all time:

"Dancing Lasha Tumbai" by Verka Serduchka (Ukraine). It got second place in 2007, but no one remembers who won.

Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, specta-

Sometimes, countries try.......other tactics.

Here's what Poland did in 2014 and... you'll see what I mean at 0:12.

...here's the problem with the milk maids: Eurovision is a *very* gay event, certainly made official with Conchita Wurst's 2015 victory with "Rise Like a Phoenix."

This was especially hard to chop to 2:20 b/c the start and finish to this song are so good

In general, the fact that Eurovision takes place each May makes it perfect to find the next Europop song of the summer; many songs that do well tend to be great club songs (like "Toy," the song at the top).

"Fuego" (Cyprus, 2018) got 2nd place but was a highly successful chart-topper across Europe that summer.

I've run out of tweets that Twitter is letting me thread so hopefully moving to manual threading works

OK HELL YEAH LET'S CONTINUE

It's not just europop dance hits though— sometimes there are outliers!

Take for example Salvador Sobral's winning song for Portugal in 2017. It breaks every stereotype for a Eurovision song but was WILDLY successful because it's, well, a good song.

Or the winning song in 2016: Jamala's song "1944"

I didn't really know what to think when I first heard this, but it has grown on me tremendously to become one of my favorite entries.

Editing "1944" down was terrible because this song really takes all 3 minutes to build the emotion IMO so I highly recommend watching the full version:

Look, if we're talking about most memorable Eurovision entries of all time, LET ME PRESENT TO YOU THE WINNERS IN 2006: LORDI

"HARD ROCK HALLELUJAH"

Oh, and for several years The Netherlands kept trying to win Eurovision by playing country music...

But—because this is Eurovision and they just can't fucking RESTRAIN THEMSELVES—you gotta witness what they pull at the 0:36 mark.

A fun thing for nerds like me is there's not only music and campy performances, there's geopolitics as well!

For example, it's an annual reminder of random lil' facts like how Belarus is considered "Europe's Last Dictatorship." Neat! Anyway here's a song!

Another fun fact that you may not have learned in school: Australia is in Europe!

Don't believe me? Explain to me why Australia is competing in the 2015 ESC:

(A lot of Australians watch Eurovision so they let them compete for one-time-only but they did well so now they get to come back every year for some reason)

The next year, they got second place— their best finish so far. Folks, they're good at this.

Here's the thing with a competition: someone has got to come in last place. There are some pretty bad songs sometime, and it would be unfair of me not to share one of those as well.

Here's France in 2014, last place:

Time to cleanse our eyes and ears with one of the catchiest and most beloved songs in the history of Eurovision: "Hallelujah" (the winning song for Israel in 1979)

It's just such a corny little song that is so upbeat... it always gets stuck in my head

Another one of the most famous Eurovision performers is Alexander Rybek. He brought home a victory for Norway in 2009 by the largest point-margin to date and is just so endlessly likable. Here he is with "Fairytale:"

Alexander Rybak represented Norway again in 2018 because sometimes we actually CAN have nice things. He didn't win, but that's ok, and any Alexander Rybak slander will result in an immediate block.

Alright, another cultural touchstone: the time Russia sent a group of grandmas to sing a song and pretend to bake bread on stage and they got second place.

The Buranovskiye Babushki are literally grandmothers raising money to renovate their church.

Now, I'd be remiss if I went this deep into Eurovision lore and didn't talk about the sheer firing power that Sweden brings to the contest. They're always sending hit after hit after hit and they've only placed outside the top 10 a couple times in the past couple decades...

Here's the 2015 winner, Måns Zelmerlöw, with "Heroes," one of the best ESC songs ever.

Måns has staying power with the ESC as well (you saw him earlier in the History of Eurovision clip) because he's talented, has charisma, and can actually land a joke.

John Lundvik's song (Sweden's entry from last year) is not just Eurovision-good, it's a BOP in its own right.

The group with the backing vocals, The Mamas, was actually slated to be Sweden's entry in this year's (cancelled) contest.

Another: Robin Bengtsson for Sweden in 2017. I'd make fun of them more for the OK Go-inspired choreography(?) but it's such a slick performance that's honestly just impressive.

My final point to drive this point home: when Sweden hosted the contest in '16, hosts Måns (what'd I tell ya) and Petra performed this interval act ("The Perfect Eurovision Song") while votes were being counted and IMO it was the best song of the year.

HOW TO WRITE THE PERFECT EUROVISION SONG - PART II

(The best thing is that while this is such a great framework to Eurovision songs, this act is filled exclusively with jokes and cameos from very real acts in the past)

So yeah! That just about concludes my long-winded presentation of the delightful world of Eurovision! I still have several more songs which are amazing and worth sharing so I'll be posting more of them below for your viewing pleasure. :)

Last year Norway brought out this group (KEiiNO) and it was just such a great example of a Eurovision song because it's a typical dance song, but when Buljo busted out the Sámi lyrics and joiking we went WILD lmao. You gotta stick with it until after 1:30.

I can't bring myself to spoil anything about Romania's 2013 entry so you're just going to have to take my word for it and watch this because I'll never forget witnessing everything that happens in the first 90 seconds of this clip:

In a very stark change of pace, here's the United Kingdom's entry in 1976 that is catchy and fun and a total earworm and represents the era (several decades ago) when the UK was actually good at Eurovision:

I'm sorry but I know this song is terrible but I love that San Marino (yeah I bet you had forgotten about that European microstate!) sent this guy to perform this ridiculous song and I wouldn't change a thing.

Remember that song "Every Time We Touch"? Anyway, Germany sent Cascada to perform in 2013:

Award for best Eurovision Drinking Song goes to "Alcohol is Free," sent by Greece in 2013.

What would Eurovision be without a self-described "anti-capitalist BDSM techno band"? Here's Iceland's Hatari performing "Hatrið mun sigra" in 2019:

Just another bit of contrast to keep it fresh: "Making Your Mind Up" by the United Kingdom in 1981 proves that mid-song costume changes (1:22) are not a new feature to Eurovision by any means.

Idk why but I always liked Belgium's 2015 entry:

Spoiler: I regret to inform you that the 2006 Lithuanian song, "We Are the Winners of Eurovision" did not, in fact, win Eurovision.

I don't know why, but I don't think Danish Bruno Mars will ever completely leave my subconscious.

Since you've made it this far (I love you) I'll let you know that the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest is on Netflix! Highly recommend you watch it! You can just watch the Grand Final if you want: the semi-finals aren't necessary. :) https://www.netflix.com/title/81128790 

Anyway, to close it out for now, here is the winner of the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest: Duncan Lawrence from The Netherlands with "Arcade."

Damn you COVID-19 for cancelling Eurovision for the first time in 64 years