Thread by @Gbemisoke, Let me tell you about the emotional rollercoaster today has been. It [...]

Let me tell you about the emotional rollercoaster today has been. It started with me thinking about the mommy shaped hole in my heart & not feeling like talking about it cos people tend to say sorry, then I start to feel some type of way, as though I'm broken, for not being sad.

So I sat with my feelings. And I felt okay. Great. Then I came on here & saw that a mutual lost her newborn & my heart broke.
Then I remembered today was the deadline for my Family Techniqes role play assignment. Simple yeah? Just record a family session with my kids as actors.

Then I looked at the prompt. We had to use a genogram. I hate genograms. Because I have no living progenitors. Everybody is dead. And making a visual reminder of my loss is a trigger. Especially on mothers day. Especially role-playing with my kids
Example: https://twitter.com/Gbemisoke/status/1099694405412405248?s=19

https://twitter.com/Gbemisoke/status/1099694405412405248?s=19

So, do I refuse to do this assignment, which is 20% of my grade? Or do I try to go somewhere I hate going. Which, the last time I went there, left me so messed up, it was the final push for me to start therapy. Is today the day to see if working through grief has helped?

Fun fact: my children don't know the names of my parents and that sucks. They learned then today though, so I guess that's a good thing. We're not allowed to use our family for these types of assignments but we were allowed to, because social distancing.

I started to feel overwhelmed. So I shut everything down and took a nap.
You guys are so kind. I woke up to lots of love. And no sorrys. Thank you. Not that there's anything wrong with sorry. I just like being able to talk about my feelings without people assuming I'm sad.

We talked about the feelings of sadness as a result of loss. And everything that could've been that never was.

More feelings if sadness. And also disappointment. With coping strategies like prayer and sleep and deep breaths.

So we acknowledged how we're sad and disappointed and thankful and hopeful. All at the same time. And then I learned that my mom would've liked caramel candy, because I do. And then we talked about how family = fun and good times

Art/family/grief therapy rolled into one. We were supposed to be role playing but I think everyone broke character. I tried to stay in therapist mode though. Kept reminding myself that this is for a grade. Made sure to give them homework

We also did some work on perspective taking. And disagreeing respectfully. And goal setting for future sessions. I better get an A on this assignment.
David was sick of hearing my pretend therapist voice

So that was mother's day for me.
All the feelings were felt & I'm glad I got this experience my children. I'm also glad I went to therapy cos I'm so much better at working through my feelings of grief & loss that I used to be. I've become a better therapist by going to therapy.

I complain so much about how intrusive some of the homework assignments in grad school are. Like, I didn't come to this program to dig through my pain, I came to learn how to help others, I'm fine. If I knew I'd be spun & wrung & stretched like so, maybe I won't have signed up.

As I near the end tho, especially on days like this where I'm forced to dig deep & be vulnerable, I'm glad I stayed the course & worked through my own issues. I'm so much more empathetic cos I know what my clients feel like when I make then do the hard work. I've done it too.

And I'm nowhere near done. I'm still going to my appointments. Still unpacking things. It's not always pretty & I don't like what I dig up sometimes. It's worth it tho. I'm keeping at it. It's a long game, this mental & emotional health & wellness thing. Happy mother's day to me

And happy mothers day to you, moms

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