‘You can go out and sunbathe and sit on infected park benches.. but only go out if you absolutely need to. And make sure it’s not family, only strangers who you don’t know where they’ve been. Go to work, but only by bike - unless you don’t have one then take the bus.’

‘You can go to the shops, but only for essentials. Unless you really fancy a bar of chocolate then that’s ok. But social distance from everyone else. Unless there’s a really busy aisle then bump into them.’

‘And avoid old people at all costs because you might kill them. But not if they need supplies then you can go over and it’ll be fine. And definitely do not go to your isolating parents house to social distance in the garden. But again, go and have a picnic with strangers.’

‘Oh and you can drive anywhere now! Just not to your parents. Because remember, you hate them.’

‘One more thing... let’s send all the kids back to school and ask them to social distance. Yes, we trust 5-year-olds to do that. But if they don’t, and they get the virus, it’s okay because we hate children anyway. Annoying little creatures.’