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Instead of celebrating motherhood, I’m celebrating my little one, my rainbow baby, the one who changed my whole world for the better. Baby boy, you don’t know how much you mean to me, and to our family. You saved me.
My pregnancy/birth story was unique &I wasn’t able to recover until 6 months after giving birth. Prior to that, I suffered a miscarriage years before, to a 24 week old stillbirth from a emotionally abusive relationship. I lost her, I lost my voice. I was angry for years.
I was told that I would have difficult times to bear children after. I had an ectopic pregnancy and multiple miscarriages, I lost one of my ovaries, and they said I was no longer fertile. And I accepted it. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be a mother, I was young to understand.
When I finally got my life in order after the “post-college riots and shameless acts,” I grew up quickly, finished school after so many changes in majors, a supportive relationship, bought my first car, and got a graveyard shift in a biotech job, Jayden came along.
This was the last ride I rode before realizing I was pregnant. Welp.
I lost my job while pregnant, depression was at an all time high. I lost friends, I lost my support system, because I pushed everyone and everything out. My depression caused me to feel like I wasn’t worthy to be a mother to this miracle child. I hated myself for 9 months.
Then a day past 40 weeks, 65 pounds later, my water broke at exactly midnight, and after I labored for 36+ hours, I had to have an emergency c-section I wasn’t prepared for. ..we stayed in the ICU. And I barely saw Jayden, I don’t even remember this photo.
Immediately after delivering, I didn’t have my golden hour. I was sent to the ICU for chorioamnionitis, with a high fever and shortness of breath. Due to being in labor for so long, with my water broken, the hospital was unaware of the risk of infection my body was open to.
I went into septic shock, with acute CHF and pulmonary edema, and all I was complaining and shouting about was why I couldn’t breastfeed my baby. I hate looking at it now that that wasn’t important. I spent this whole pregnancy and delivery in anger and hate for myself.
It’s amazing how the body blocks out traumatic experiences, because I can remember how much pain I was in, but I can’t feel it anymore. But I can remember the emotions, the thoughts that rushed through my head, was I going to die, do I care.
After going through multiple series of antibiotics (mostly because I found myself allergic to a lot), & a HP marathon turned me to a Slytherin, I was able to go home to my baby for the holidays. I couldn’t hold him for so long. I couldn’t leave my bed. I hated myself more.
I had more complications with my c-section and uterine recovery = more bed rest. I was spiraling into PPD & I couldn’t swim myself out. I didn’t speak to anyone, I spent days sleeping and singing to the baby. I cried just listening to myself breathe. ‘Was I worthy of breathing.’
I wish I could say that I got out of that dark hole easily, but it wasn’t. I got out. I had to get out for my child and husband. And Jayden didn’t have to do anything but be there, and he was the main reason why I took my time and recovered.
Now, I can look at him four years later and know that this whole journey with him was worth it. Because I was lost in thoughts that I didn’t matter, I didn’t deserve this, I was angry at myself, but at the end of it all, Jayden survived, and he has been a light since then. 
Hold your loved ones tight today. It’s not just a day for mothers. It’s a day for appreciation, for support, for love, for each other.
Also, you’re not alone.
Talking helped. Showing my emotions helped. Opening helped. This helped. A lot.
https://www.postpartum.net
https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/
https://www.realwarriors.net
Talking helped. Showing my emotions helped. Opening helped. This helped. A lot.
https://www.postpartum.net
https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/
https://www.realwarriors.net
