The four most common shits an average person has in his or her lifetime.

A thread.

1. The under-shit: The one where you leave the toilet knowing you could have left more on the pitch. You tend to leave the toilet disappointed and full of regret. 65% of people tend to resit the shit in the following hour.

2. The usual shit: The most commonplace shit. The one where you leave the bathroom with no feelings of regret or particular pride. Comparable to an away game vs Alaves, you go there, do the job, get the 3 points and leave.

3. The perfect shit: When the conditions are right and you are off the back of a great dinner. You have been prepping for this moment for the last hour. You enter the toilet in a decent mood and you leave it in an even better one.

4. The ass breaker: You pushed a little too much this time and tapped into the reserves when you shouldn't have. The most dreaded type of shit. The one that temporarily tears your ass muscles when you are done. Blood, pain, screaming are all common side effects of this shit.