I was sitting at my computer doing email when it happened. The racing heart, the ripping feeling in my scalp, like the skin was peeling off, the inability to breath.

It came out of nowhere, the first panic attack.

More than anywhere else I've lived I met a a lot of people in Tokyo who had anxiety issues. There's easy explanations - the cultural differences, the crowded trains & public spaces - but those were true of other places as well.

For me, one thing made it different.

More than anywhere else I tried very hard to connect with the local culture. I had lessons, nearly every week for the whole time I lived in Japan. I studied the art, culture & history deeply & tried to modify my behaviour to fit the way people did things.

This had a lot of positives. You could say my philosophy of life changed, got slower, kinder, less selfish. But, it also caused a lot of anxiety, a creeping feeling that every step towards more understanding carried with it an increased feeling of not fitting in.

I wrote a lot about life in Japan & was trying to pitch a lot of work, travel stories & photos, bout the country. But, freelancing was burning me out. I had a little office in a co-working space, the official address for my company, but increasingly I resented going there.

The editor of a big, expensive magazine wrote to me, interested in my work. Of course I replied. They wanted 4-5 articles, with pictures, on "unknown locations in Japan." If they liked them, they'd pay. So, a few months work, then maybe they pay, or just reuse my ideas?

Thankfully I had started seeing a therapist once a week by this stage. I said no. I was saying no to a lot of things. So much so I wrote a blog series about all the things I quit. Simplicity & minimalism became my thing. It made living in Japan a bit lighter & more fun as well.

By this stage, nearly 4 years into living in Tokyo, my SO's company wanted to send us back to Singapore. None of us wanted that. Then another opportunity came up, in London, a great job. But, my daughter had two years left of school & I wasn't feeling ready to move again.

It was a hard calculation. Move again & my kid's final 6 years of school would be spread across 3 institutions. She'd already been schooled, from nursery to high school in 5 countries. Adding more complexity felt unfair.

So we decided to keep two homes. One in Tokyo, one in London, for two years. We trusted we could make it work.

And, with many long distance calls, uncertain weeks, and of course tears, we did.

We cherished the time together more than ever & found deeper levels of honesty.

My daughter flourished in those two years, graduated well, found her way to a good college. My SO had an amazing run in her work. And I managed to finish a lot of important projects in Japan, including building a little cabin in the Japanese Alps.

But, then it was time to say goodbye to that wonderful house in Tokyo. Here's a little something I wrote about leaving Japan. https://fernandogros.com/impermanence/