finally figured out how to articulate something that's been bugging me for a while.

cis people volunteering pronouns in a broadcast medium (presentation, text bio) to normalize doing that: awesome. great. yes.

doing it in a conversation in order to find out someone else's: NO

if you don't know someone's pronouns and it's reaching the point where that's awkward (or has passed that point -- we've all been there), just ask.

don't do it with introductions.

bluntly: give me enough information to trust you first.

"btw, what are your pronouns?" can be a casual and necessary question but it's not a neutral one. when I answer it I am making myself vulnerable in a way that you probably aren't, unless your answer to that question also elicits looks of confusion or skepticism.

I do that! in situations when it's worth it to me to connect authentically, and when I believe it's more likely to elicit that connection than dispel it. I mention it when I need to, when it's relevant.

... admittedly I usually mention it after realizing belatedly I forgot to! but that's on me, and even when I get misgendered there's this whole calculus that starts up about whether it's worth correcting them and risking that it might start a Conversation About Pronouns

so it sucks being asked to throw that out the window and just be vulnerable to strangers off the bat, in a context where no one else is being that vulnerable

plus it sucks for people who aren't out! who are questioning! who use different pronouns in different communities!

none of this is to say don't ask! just don't do it by default (or by giving yours, it's passive-aggressive). ask when it comes up naturally! when you want to use them, or it'll clarify something. in intros for some groups but not all.

do ask, just consider what you're asking :)

man there is like 1/4 of each of three different good thread ideas in this thread. welp.