I’ve realized I’ve been holding onto this particular person in my mind because I was not used to being treated ideally how I want a man to treat me. I wasn’t used to all of the nice things he did and say and even the small things. So, I’m so used to thinking that when——

— Nice things happen to me and for me that I won’t get it again. I’ve been conditioned to react that way because that’s how my life has been since I was a child. So now, I try to hold onto anything good or anything that was pleasing me due to the fear of never having it again..

As an adult, I am aware that it’s silly to think I won’t ever have another man treat me amazingly. I just don’t think you all understand how rare it is to be loved exactly the way you desire, EXACTLY the way you desire...

So, to me, I’ve always tried to keep things or been scared to leave things out of fear that I won’t have anything better. It really is something I need to work on and overcome to trauma/level of thought. It is detrimental to my spirit.

I hope that when I am ready to be loved that someone will love me exactly the way I want to be loved and MORE. I’m hoping that he wasn’t the last person. But my anxiety and fear really does get the best of me and this is why it’s hard to let go.

In time I will hopefully be fortunate enough to be satisfied that way again. It’s such a silly notion to think no one else in this world will ever be what you need, but when you have been disappointed a lot. You don’t think about the whole world.

I am always coming to grips with the fact that he chose not to be in my life, I didn’t choose not to be in his. So, ofc I’m going to feel differently and see it differently. It is what it is, I’m just ready to healed and to learn from this. Take what I can and move forward.