Probably will delete later but I’m constantly torn trying to debate if I’m nonbinary, genderfluid, or ftm. Don’t open this thread lmao.

I remember ever since I was a kid trying to be seen as part of the guys, and I feel like I always looked for an excuse to pretend to be one. I envied when women could cross dress and pass as male. I was 15 when I first said out loud I wished I was male. Everyone said I was weird

I get dysphoric about my body being so... bodacious and feminine. I don’t mind doing feminine things but I want to not be seen as female for small actions that barely account for my identity as a person. I want to be seen as a man doing “feminine” things.

So many times growing up I’ve looked in the mirror and wondered how I would look male. But then I felt I’d be ugly as one so it shouldn’t even matter. I must have been blessed to be a pretty girl right? I’m just being stupid.

And whenever I see another ftm or masc presenting enby I get so jealous that it’s not me. That I’m not seen as one of them. That I’m stuck here with my shitty body and shitty gender presentation that I convince myself is best for me. It’s easier afterall. I’m good at it.

And then I spent most of my high school years wishing I had male anatomy. But I didn’t think it mattered because there was nothing I could do about it anyway. To this day I’m still salty I wasn’t born male but whatever lmao.

At the same time it scares me so much to denounce the past 24 years of my life and completely give up so much of what I already know. So much of my survival in this world depended on learned traits. Learning how to be a “pretty” girl to advance in life.

And then I don’t even know how strongly the female aspect of me still exists. Am I a transman posing as a woman because it makes life easier? Or am I genderfluid and have so many fleeting comforting moments amongst the spectrum? One thing is for sure: I don’t quite feel female.

A lot of me also secretly hopes I’m ftm. But why? Do cis people ever get this sort of envy? But also a lot of me wants to stay safe and hidden.

But also.... I don’t even know if I want to give the female identity up. My hatred is more about my anatomy. The experiences differ sm.

I hope no one actually opened this thread like i saiD and if u did u suck at following directions but ily thx for caring abt me <3

I’ve had these thoughts for a long time but I felt rly insecure about them and every time I considered talking to someone about it I chickened out so yeah idk I just decided to tweet it in hopes someone out there can help me maybe ha ha i d k