We’re just over 7 weeks of Stay At Home here in San Francisco, and this week the theme in many of my kink counseling sessions was FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE. So let’s talk a bit about what it means to put your kink on hold during a pandemic! 1/

Unless you’re fortunate enough to be sheltering in place with your kinky play partner, chances are you’re not getting your kink needs met right now. And this sucks for a lot of reasons, not the least of which being: Your kink is an important part of you. 2/

Sex negative culture trains us to think of our kink as a quirky luxury item at best, a shameful compulsion at worst. But kink, like sexual orientation, has to do with our sense of self, erotic expression, and connection to others. It’s fundamental. 3/

“These unprecedented times” (to coin every marketing email I’ve gotten this month) are really layering scarcity over scarcity with regard to getting kinky needs met. And while we hear a lot about self-care in a pandemic, not so much about KINK care. So let’s talk about that! 4/

First, some validation: A lot of folks have suddenly lost their privacy. Websites, chat rooms, phone or video calls/sessions are much harder to access if you live with someone who doesn’t know about, share, or support your kink. This is super hard, the closet sucks. 5/

A lot of folks turn to kink as a stress reliever, and these are some STRESSFUL times! Not having a kink outlet at a time that feels alternatingly frightening, destabilizing, depressing, overwhelming, and isolating is murder-hornets-levels of "WTF can this get any worse??" 6/

Take a deep breath and say it with me: It’s natural to feel grief for the lifestyles we’ve lost, and fear, and overwhelm. It’s OK to not have the solution. We’re all doing the best we can with what we have. The worst of what we're feeling right now isn't a permanent state. 7/

If you’re able to engage in physical activity, this is a great time to do so, it’s a natural anxiolytic and antidepressant. Also, your mind is an erogenous zone! If you’ve neglected the written word for images this is a great time to pick up kinky/sexy fiction. 8/

Connection is vital and important. If you’re able to engage in community-building online, or phone/video appointments with kink aware mental health providers, or with your play partners you’re not SIP with, do it. 9/

Many folks are talk-starved when it comes to sharing kink with others. Find safe spaces to talk about what you dream about, love to do, look forward to doing when we’re on the other side of this. Cultivate an epicurean’s delight for the details of your kink. 10/

Your kink is a site of unbridled creativity, fierce libidinal energy, and endless possibility. Maybe you don't have access to all that right now, it's cool, it'll be there for you when you're ready and circumstances are right. Because kink is resilient. And so are you/fin