OMG - this is flat out the most hysterical piece I’ve read in my entire life.

“SURE, THE VELOCIRAPTORS ARE STILL ON THE LOOSE, BUT THAT’S NO REASON NOT TO REOPEN JURASSIC PARK”

Lost of juicy must quote #COVID19 relevant passages from it: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sure-the-velociraptors-are-still-on-the-loose-but-thats-no-reason-not-to-reopen-jurassic-park

2) “But the fact of the matter is, velociraptors are intelligent, shifty creatures that are not going to be contained any time soon, so we might as well just start getting used to them killing a few people every now and then”

3) “here at Jurassic Park, we’ve never been ones to listen to the recommendations of scientists, or safety experts, or bioethicists, so why would we start now?”

4) “you’ll be pleased to know that, rather than double down on our containment efforts, we’ve decided to dissolve the Velociraptor Containment Task Force altogether, and focus instead on how we can get people back into the park as quickly as possible.”

5) “So rather than concentrating on so-called life-saving measures like “staying in designated safe areas” or “masking your scent,” we’ll be focusing on the details that will get our customers really excited, like a brand new Gordon Ramsay designed menu at the Cretaceous Cafe.

6) “will some employees have their limbs torn off and tossed into the air? Undoubtedly. But we’re confident that with a few safety precautions put in place, we’ll be able to keep the level of workplace injuries/deaths just below levels that would elicit widespread public outrage”

7) “And keeping things just below widespread public outrage levels is our gold standard for all of the decisions we make here at Jurassic Park.”

8) “many of our EMTs get mauled & dismembered by velociraptors. That’s why, as sign of appreciation, we will be repainting the JP ambulance with the words “Hero Mobile” in big letters. We think this is a far more meaningful token of gratitude than salary increase they requested.”

9) “In the meantime, will more visitors die? Yes. Will more Jurassic Park staff die? Yes. But know that their sacrifice will not be forgotten — we plan to erect a small plaque dedicated to all of the velociraptor attack victims in the far back corner of the gift shop..

10) ... next to the T-shirts that say I SURVIVED A VISIT TO JURASSIC PARK AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.”

11) “And remember, life finds a way… unless you’re one of the unlucky ones that gets attacked by a velociraptor, then you’re probably screwed.”

Basically i has similar thought about reopening a zoo with a wild tiger on the loose. But this Jurassic Park piece takes the cake.

12) “Dr. Ian Malcolm recommended that we wait until velociraptors have been located & contained before reopening park: his exact words “you were so preoccupied with whether you could reopen the park, you didn’t stop to think whether you should.” Talk about a guy on a high horse.”