I spent 2 hours talking to my crush after eveyone left from the Skype chat Why is this my life?

So according to the YouTube videos I have been watching, I now need to ignore him until he organically initiates conversation.

That could literally take months given the that he seems to either not be interested or not picking up on my advances.

I won't be weird about it.

My cousin is still convinced that my boi is ugly & no one likes him.

My cousin: He's UGLY
Me: WHY?
Him: HAVE YOU SEE HIS BODY?
Me: He's very skinny
Him: He's more than 6 feet tall.
Me: Tallest man I've ever fancied
Him: Paint him blue why don't you?
Me: The Avatar folks were HOT

Omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg he sent me a song!!!!!!!! (Cause I said I was trying to figure out what music he liked and I said I was looking for new music and then he asked me what music I like and now he's sent me one!!!!!!!1!11!1!1!!!!!!

(I am 12)

BAHhahahahahaha he sent me an OLD song. "Ride of the Valkeries". I can play this game...

Okay so I guess he un-ironically likes old-school music. I'm going in for the kill

I'm torn between listening to my YouTube gurus on dating cis straight men and listening to my cousin who is a cis straight man and a friend in common who SUCKS at dating. But also, he is convinced that my boi has too low of a self esteem to humor my advances. I think he's WRONG.

I don't know if this is a bad thing, but the conversations with him always end when he answers with something so boring that I do not have anything else to add so I just leave him hanging until I initiate the conversation again. Maybe he could spark something for once. I'll wait.

I keep on fucking things up because I listen to Tarot cards

This time I got the same reading from two indipendent sources so I got really excited and texted him goodnight when I knew he'd be asleep and not reply right away but now I feel SILLY. I want the undo button.

Well he did respond...by LAUGHING at me. I mean sure maybe he was laughing at the raccoon cause we don't have them in Italy. Or laughing cause I also laugh a lot.

But I'm pretty sure he's just laughing AT ME. Why do I even trrrrrrerreyyyuyyyyyysyeyeyegvsbsjwksksnsjsnsnsn

Skype hangout tomorrow and I am ANXIOUS. So, I'll just list the things that are making me anxious so they GO AWAY:

1) He's not gonna be there.
2) He's there but it's awkward AF
3) He rejects me in front of eveyone
4) He rejects me alone.

Oh god high-school flashbacks

Okay and now to come up with solutions for all 4 scenarios:

1) No problem. Will ignore until contacted.
2) I pretend he isn't there.
3) Cry and swear vengance.
4) Probabky also cry but also not be mad.

Cool? CoOl.. all stress gone PPpOOf!

WE TALKED ALONE AGAIN BUT FOR 3 HOURS THIS TIME

I LIKE HIM SO MUUUUUUUUCH.

We talked about a lot of personal stuff. I really like his political views. He's also super honest and kind and we kept on bringing up things at the same time and just...

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Demon: You wished for the chance at a date, but EVERYTHING comes at a cost! *Plays the black card "First Horseman: Pestilence"

Me: Oh, yeah..? COME AT ME BRO! *plays the "Dated Guy on MMORPG for 6 Months Without Physical Contact" blue card*

Demon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo...

So I sort of realized this before but I was in too much of a dopamine/serotonin high to fully internalize the fact that even if we were alone, we were still chatting in the group chat, which means there is now a time stamp for when we stopped talking
...

GAH

I really do not know how you people are entertained by this. But I am here to document it so I can cry about it when it doesn't work out.

Okay so this video showed up on my YouTube and I INSTANTLY recognized the streets. WHY MAKE ME MISS LECCE EVEN MORE (Yep, my hometown and some traditional dancing).

Demon: *Laughs and places the blue card "Nostalgia and Ominous Ritual Dance"*

I just went through 4 emotions withing the span of 5 minutes all because I remembered him saying he wanted to get out of our town.

Suddenly, I was like "YES. He could become an ESL student at my uni and then he could live with me. He even said the only obstacle was money.

But,

this was followed by me realizing that he would be absolutely fucking miserable in my tiny studio with no bars (italian meaning) for coffee, no friends he could speak to until he leared English or Spanish, no family, and a completely new environment. Absolutely not ok.

So...

THEN this thought made me emotional cause I'd never really been so critical of my own master plans. I found no issue with the idea of being someone's sole contact. Made me think they'd be more devoted to me. Anyway started crying because these feelings were very foreign.

So...

Then I started feeling resentment toward my feelings, because why feel these feelings if you knew that achieving those feelings would not make the other person happy? Why feel anything at all? Why be programmed to want something that would logically harm the other person!?

I'm just annoyed because no one in my life has ever botherd to TEACH me emotions. I have physical symptoms and I have to work this shit out like a scientist but there is no pause button. Comunicating in writing is definitely easier. Anything in realtime is undoubtedly pure panic.

Do any of you ever sit back and just think about how unnecessarily drammatic our lives have all become? Like, the plots of terribly written soap operas...

Writers: And then, right as Ray is discovering feelings for him and getting over they're fear of tall men...BAM, PANDEMIC.

Oh great. The ass of my friend group is negging me in group-chat. Wonder if he's catching on.

History: This guy is nice to "girls" he likes (he's been obsessed with me for years) until he realizes they're not interested and then he will insult them to no end.

I'd like him more if I wasn't made aware of his garbage behavior (which I already suspected). I'm in no true harm unless he's a psycopath, but still irritating to discover that him (and others) will likely socially shun me the moment my persuit of the other guy is made public.

NOOOOO I posted a cute pic of me with my new haircut on FB to try and get the attention of my sweet boi and within the span of like 10 minutes I got the attention of one of the other guys in the friend group AND my Roman drug dealer fling who HAS A KID BTW.

Why u like dis FB..?

No pet peeve has ever peeved me more than the fact that Americans treat the Italian version of the name "Andrew" as a typically feminine name, when it's a primarily masculine name in Italy. (Though the name is actually considered gender neutral).

That feeling when you like someone so much that you try to keep them as far away as possible from your toxic ass.

Guess who's a silly billy? Me; the one who decided that it would be a GRAND idea to send a message to my crush with a coffee emoji , followed by the message "some coffee for when you wake up".

He's gonna think I'm obsessed and maybe I am be THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.

Fffgshsjh

GAH I was discussing plans on smuggling myself to Italy since my classes will be online but then I expressed my trepidation about pissing off my boss and one guy posted the emoji, which in our group chat shows a photo of MY CRUSH. He's bad at secrets so hope he doesn't know.

Crush responded positively to my little message and we texted for a bit. Then I got sleepy again and was like "fuck why did I get up so early going back to bed night!"

And he was like "haha yeah it seemed a little early for you."

HE NOTICED THE TIME. He's usually CLUELESS.

I don't understand why you folks have gotten so invested in this story that will statistically not end well. I've never had a successful relationship. I've failed more than 15 times. The few who did date me dumped me, and the rest refused to be exclusive. I'm not dating material.

It's missing cute mysterious guys that I know nothing about hours, which involves me watching hours upon hours of YouTube dating advice as I gradually fall asleep hoping that it will STICK - IN - MY - BRAIN.

Being a vampire trying to learn how to be human is like -

Oh lord my boi and this other guy in the friend group are arguing publicly in chat

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??? Why so much friggen testosterone??? And the other guy started it and my boi is not holding back and I'm very nervous.

I think I'll just let them duke it out...

Omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

Boi: "Why this sudden obsession with me going out with my mask for a walk while you ignore [other friend] who went out as well Why? Why are you attacking me specifically?"

(I'm nervous because I have had this hunch that the other guy likes me).

I need to go back to sleep but now I'm afraid my boi saw I was online and didn't back him up but frankly this is one of those sittuations where I don't even have an opinion because they are both being dumbasses right now.

Italian men I swear...

Ok I caved because I'm a biased hoe. I messaged him privately to let him know that I understood his POV because you have to balance caution with mental health and he isn't the type that does well in closed spaces.

Anyway if my cousin says he's stupid one more time I riot. Why?

My boi made some VERY solid points while also respecting the concerns of our friend.

Now he wants to end the conversation because he "just finished working out 10 minutes ago and stinks like someone shat in a trash can".

I want to live a significant % of my life with this man.

CW Mental health
I'm exposing a weakness but it's needed:

One BIG concern I have is the scenario in which he cannot Skype with me that night, or something. As a creature of habbit, I'm 99% sure it would fire up my BPD and I'd panic.

What do I say or do!? DM me/comment please

CW: Mental health

(For anyone who does not know what BPD is, I feel like I need to include a content warning just for the google description because it's sort of a lot, so no need to look too deep into it if you're someone who's sensitive to that sort of thing).

Welp, we've made it to the end of this endeavor. As Italy re-opens because they managed things better, looks like this is the last Saturday night hang-out on Skype before eveyone else starts seeing eachother in person again.

It was nice while it lasted...

Y'all I'm nervous.

When eveyone left the chat we were both like "oh good they're gone." But then he was like "Give me a sec I need to call someone and then I'll call you back."

GAhHHHHHHHHHhhhhHHHHH

EMOTIONS

I won't get annoyed if he doesn't call back. If anything I'm sort of shook that he'd even bother calling back. Does that means he knows I enjoy the company and I'm not just too lazy to close the call!??????????

He called me back

We talked quite a bit. It feels like every conversation we have is a tad more intimate. Today he said "When I come to the U.S. you'll show me around" and I'm just like "Of course dear "

He can never know I like him.

I also told him how bummed I was about them going out on Saturdays in person again. He admitted that he would probably be harder to reach on Saturdays cause he'd be busy with our mutuals but that we could wanna talk other days.

Me: uwu

I keep on thinking back to our conversation.

Toward the end of the night he will move from his desk to the couch with his laptop on his chest and I will sit in bed on my stomach and it just makes it feel like we're a tiny bit closer

I wonder if he thinks the same.

So I guess the very fine silver lining to this whole flirting-with-someone across-the-ocean-via-Skype sittuation is that it removes almost all my anxiety marginally associated with my asexuality. He can't touch me even if he wanted to. Gives me time to psychologically prepare.

I've dated a handful of "Basic bros" in my day. You know, the type of guy that makes you ask wtf they do when they aren't watching sports or going to the pub. In my experience they ALWAYS have really elusive hobbies that they hide from the world, and I intend to discover them.

Today's dating story concern of the day:

Is he just playing the long game? Men will go to fncked up lenghts to be alone with someone, and he's got all the time in the world to make plans cause we're in quanrantine. And how can I persue a relationship when I don't trust him?

The biggest problem with trying to flirt with someone who speaks very little English that you NEVER know whether something they write in English is due to a double meaning or because those are the damn lyrics.

Anyway now I know he likes whoever the hell this is.

Just looked up the song and MY BOI... is a closet goth I guess?

Can't say I'm shocked. Only I am, cause I once asked "You like the emo genre?" and he was like "Nah I can't do sad music".

As if "LOVE WILL TEAR US APPART" by JOY DIVISION is mfing happy birthday.

He sent a voice msg to the group after going out (cause Italy re-opened sort of) and he sounded defeated cause I guess they were the only ones wearing masks and that people were even traveling in "comitiva" (Italians know) aka BIG groups.

Anyway I played the clip 5 times

Me making a prayer circle in the hopes of getting my crush to msg me first

I just want to take a moment to say that the person with flesh dancing in this video physically and sprititually reminds me of my crush.

Our friend group often calls him Satan because sometimes his mic will crap out and it makes him sound like he's possessed.

What's more mortifying is how my subconscious once betrayed me while I was talking about how weirdly unlucky I was with human relationships.

Without thinking, I said, "I'm really good friends with Satan".

The joke was that Satan cursed me. And THEN I realized what I had said.

I can't tell if keeping this thread is hurting or harming my mental health cause I have to access the hell hole that is Twitter to write in it.

I relapse into a lot of cruel habits, and as much as I justify it by only attacking certain folks, I know what I do is still bad.

At this point I'm assuming you know that I watch a TON of YT dating advice videos made by men cause know thy enemy I guess. I had average success with the womem ones.

Anyway, I guess I have identified the issue with my crush and why I'm in such a terrible predicament. A thread

His behavior falls into this zone where he is either a VERY shy person, or uninterested.

I have evidence for both:

Doesn't text first: a) Shy - Doesn't wanna fuck things up.
b) Chasing other people. Likes the attention but not me specifically.

Always single but sexually active: a) Shy - Afraid of rejection, heartbreak.
b) Uninterested in commitment, or interested in more appealing people.

Okay I feel like this list is kind of lame but it's legit so hard. He goes out a lot. He has a lot of different friend groups.

Honestly I don't even care if he's not interested! I just don't want him to have a secret girlfriend, or that he has malicious intent towards me.

Lol I probably should have watched more than 20 seconds of the video there are like 6 more other reasons why he might not be texting first

He's online.

This would be less awkward if I hadn't been listing to his voice messages over and over and over again.

His voice is so great. It's deep and he has this tiiiiny little lisp he gets when he talks fast. So CUTE.

Y'all help me send him psychic vibes to text me something. Anything. Even a quick little hi. I'd even settle for an emoji. PLEASE. Pleaaaaase. S.O.S. my dude.

So close yet so faaaaaar awaaaaaay....... *garbled pining noises*

I've finally figured out exactly who my crush reminds me of: The hair, the lankyness, the terrible smoking habbit.

(I've honestly never watched Cowboy Bebop so don't ask me about the show I have 0 credentials).

So I'm PRETTY desperate when it comes to dating advice, so I've been clicking on EVERY video, without prejudice cause I'm a global learner who learns even from bad info. Anyway, would you BELIEVE gender neutral terms are just rolling out of this person's mouth like it's nothing?

So reading the 1st ch of a book I downloaded from a dude who has way too much time on his hands and no joke, the advice he gives is, in essence "Flirt like Vex'ahlia."

Biotch I've been writing Vex for YEARS. I can flirt like her. But not ON THE SPOT. She is QUEEN. I am NOT.

I'm a Court Jester at best.

Anyway, for anyone wondering how to make a man like you, AKA "Act like Vex":

- Show that you have a life beyond him.
- Have high standards and tell him when you don't tolerate behavior.
- Be kind
- Make him feel useful but also make sure he knows you aren't useless or using him.

How to tease (According to british date advice bro):

1. Be affectionate about it.
2. Imply he is in trouble (In a good way)
3. Imply he misses you
4. Banter with him

WARNING (no joke this is what it says I'm dead):

"Be the Alluring Goddess, NOT His Bratty Sister"

I CAN'T

Asside from the fact that I never post art anymore, do you like my style? I don't even know how I would describe it. Is it soft now? Am I for once drawing soft art that isn't creepy and satanic? (Not that those are bad).

So last night I messaged him (knowing that we wouldn't Skype this Saturday) saying, "Hey if we can't talk tomorrow I wanted to wish you a good weekend and here is a picture of my cat for good luck!" (Cat picture).

So he replied and was like:

"Thanks Ray. Seems tricky tonight. Maybe we'll talk next week".

Would be nice if "next week" meant like, a week day. But if he's hoping for next Saturday, not gonna happen. Italy is OPEN now. And he likes going out.

Why can't I be attracted to available people

Anyway after leaving it on "seen" for almost 6 hours cause I was taking to my friend from Germany and then my friend from Brazil, I eventually responded with this gif because I am an emotionally constipated disaster person.

I LITERALLY SCREAMED OUT LOUD WHEN I SAW THE NOTIFICATION GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Hahahahahaha talk to you tomorrow "

I am DECEASED

I still don't know whether he wants to text, call or skype and it's important for me to know cause I have to wash my hair and figure out my clothes

Either way, I need fun conversation prompts. Any ideas?

He's into soccer, travel, rock bands, politics...and ...Breaking Bad?

1st off, he vanished. My theory is that he texted me while drunk the night before. I'm used to it but thankfully there are VIDEOS for this.

Anyway, unrelated, but after seeing this vid I feel more confident that this guy gives legitimate advice.

Today's emotion roller coaster:

- Acceptance
- Annoyance
- Rage about being Ace & hating Allos and how nobody knows how to keep committed relationships long distance cuz most people give priority to in person relationships.
- Regret for hoping.
- Shame
- Sadness
- Acceptance

Think that was drammatic? This is all cause somebody that I objectively don't know forgot to text me.

THIS is dating while having BPD, but don't worry. If I am tweeting I am fine. I signed up for this. I am what I call an emotional masochist. I do this to feel anything at all.

So I message the group cause they were trying to figure out how to do this bday party for one of our friends causs they were worried Skype wouldn't work ans I was offering up my Zoom.

Then HE messages me privately. Why?

To let me know that they are doing a surprize party where they are gonna see him in person anyway and that I shouldn't worry.

So first of all, that's great. Good idea.

Secondly, fnck you. I left it with a because wtf else am I gonna say to that. You didn't even apologize

Now he msged me AGAIN essentially confirming this. Then he asked the group if we should run a test run. Bro your gonna be there in person why do you care?

(You all see why I'm sigle now?)

Anyway I responded saying they were good friends for throwing the surprize and that my Zoom can be a plan D. He said "okay".

I hate everything all the time.

I WANT TO BE NEUROTYPICAL GOD FNCKING DAMIT PORCA MADRE PADRE E FIGLIO CAZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

He's being very active in the group chat as well

Theories:
1) Good mood.
2) Micromanaging cause he wants the party to go well.
3) He noticed that I deleted my "okay " reply to him saying that we'd talk "tomorrow" and he's freaking out.

This better not become a pattern.

We saw eachother a tiny bit during the party of one of our friends but that was pretty much it. His computer was acting up (could be true, or he was going to surprise birthday guy in person).

In order to maintain my sanity I need to just assume he isn't interested in me.

Of course like a fncking idiot because I am high and a bit drunk and just a DISASTER I texted saying that since he didn't get to have a birthday I wanted to help him get another computer as a present. The message hasn't even been sent yet and I already wanna delete it.

So brief update. He responded with a voice message, then I panicked for like 10 minutes, then I listened to it and he just wanted to chat. We sent voice messages back and forth. It was cute. I don't know how to stay mad. His little laugh is too cute.

So while grumpy today I did a pretty good job hiding it from my crush. Generally if I can recognize my BPD episodes early I can course correct. Anyway while we were playing pictionary I could not FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out wtf he drew so like others, I was vocalizing it.

So then he has THE AUDACITY, mid game, to msg me privately what he had drew so I could get points.

I was like "Don't cheat " and that was that until we spoke later when I was intoxicated.

Anyway the word was Romania. That amorphous blob was supposed to be Romania...

Wanna know what 100% works? Calling him "dear" followed by a sultry laugh.

This morning he msged me when he woke up to show me an email from his prof telling him his 9:30 am appointment was moved to Friday at the same time and he needed an adjective for what he was feeling.

For the Italian's who have any form of context here, I gave him my newly coined bestemmia "Madonna Satana".

Anyway I guess he's wired with coffee now so he won't go back to bed

Do not change morning plans on night owls last minute. You are literally waking us up. It angers us.

You know what? Maybe I need to focus on this thread & continue documenting my journey trying to improve myself instead of letting out my frustrations through questionable means. I just have to be crueler and crueler to get the same high and that seems kind of silly.