You ever get forced by bae to go to a braai yetshomi yakhe and get told "There will be other guys there man" as if ningabantwana. Against your bettter judgement and well, love, you decide to go

After pleasantries, the partner of the host says "masiye phandle ndoda sishiye abafazi" you laugh but you're thinking "Dawg!! This is a Gant golfer I'm wearing. And I pfha pfha'd my Tom Ford 4 times before coming here"

Outside. You can see just from the fire that it's amateur night here. Braaimaster is going to burn good meat.

So it's just the two of you outside. He's talking, and you just keep saying "Oooooh okay. Oh nice man" he's one of those rugby guys who played with/against Siya Kolisi at u/13 level

He offers you some scotch but, you came with a few bottles of some nice Sauvignon Blanc to share with bae. So you tell him, you're running tomorrow. He says he heard from his girl you're quite the athlete. You think he's not such a bad guy

He asks about rugby and your fav team so you randomly say "Uummmmm Sharks" he says "I knew it. I knew you were a rugby purist. We gonna do big things this season. I can feel it. Fuck those Stormers"

You laugh together. A few other guests arrive. Your OCD kicks in and you offer to releave the host because Yeeeeey he's straight up toasting this meat jong He obliges because the scotch is going down

He starts telling you about how much he loves his girl and that he wants to propose soon. You want to tell him "Mfethu. you must stop coming home at 5am. It's a problem" but you can't because that is info you shouldn't be privy to

Two mates of his join you guys outside but you are deep within braai duties trying to salvage this meat mess he created.

You look back and they are all comfortable in camp chairs while you are struggling to keep your eyes open in that smoke. Yesses ezkaka

The Sauvignon Blanc is moving very very slowly so you go inside to tell Bae you are going to make a quick run to Tops (This is pre lockdown ofocurse) to get the real makoya: Hennessy VS!!! She's well within vibes so she asks for 3 more bottles of wine

On your way out, you spot Khensani, you met her a coupla weeks back when you went to your boys place to pick him up for social league soccer game, she was in his T-shirt at the time. You think nothing of it, and leave. It's 19h50. Tops is closing chief

Mr Party asks you to come back ne scotch and a 24 corona. You wait for money. He says he will get your number from bae and e-wallet you. They've just started playing Kabza De Small. The party is starting now. Women are dishing plates

At Tops, the one near campus. You grab a bottle of VS and the Jonny Black and 24 Corona of Mr Party. In the que with your trolley. You start to panic now. No E-wallet from Mr Party and bae also isn't picking up her phone

In the que now to pay. Its 20h01. Doors closed. There are okes outside begging security "Oh yini bhuti. Ndicela 1L ze Black Label eziy 16." you laugh. You are secured in comfort of bottle store

Infront of you in the que are some niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice individuals buying 3 boxes of 4th Street Red Wine. You think Beyonce Best Thing I Never Had "another place. Another time. Another world. Another life" one says "Yhoo bhuti. Uyaphi?" You just laugh

Your stuff was rang up quick so now awukwazi uba weak and tell them to take back that arrangments of Mr Party. So you swipe it all!!! Yesses. 1 pom niy, included the wines

On the way back you call your boy and say "Chief. That woman of yours from Cubana. The tswana one. Ukhona kule braai" he casually responds "Mxim. She said she couldn't come today because her boyfiends friend was having a braai for his girl" WTF

You walk in bags in hand. Yeeey, ziyawa moertoe!!! You tryna locate bae in the crowd. It's banging "ye bathi LORCH LORCH LORCH LORCH!!!!!" Left right and centre people have smart phones out. It's Inta Live papa!!!"

So now you tell yourself "Eish. If I tell Bae Mr Party didn't come through she's going to give me a lecture about priorities and being irresponsible etc" that time you singing along "Aw THEMBINKOSI NUMBER 10 BATHI LORCH" so ha.a skip lonto

So you go outside to braai area and tell Mr Party. You're not expecting the best because you know your mates would definately "Ok sure laytie. Will hit you ngomso" bastards!! Mr Party asks for receipt

You tell him to minus the Hennessy and wine, he laughs and immediately Cash sends you two pom 5. You tell him you will refund him the difference and he says "Don't worry champ. Sharks supporters like us need to stick together" what a guy

So now you and Mr Party are arm-in-arm laughing. He gets a call from a friend, you hear him say "okay sure. Let me buzz you In champ. Visitors bay igcwele ngqawa. Park outside buck" he turns to you and says "mate. Sikwi shark tank ngoku. YOLO" What a guy

Now. The townhouse is literally bursting at the seams. What a jol!!!! You and bae catch eyes and lift your glasses to each other. You signal to her, from outside, to meet you in living room. At this time, TKZee's Mambotjie is on. What a night!!!!!

You meet bae for a young tonsil hockey game in the packed livingrooom. This is officially, one of the best nights of your life!!!!!

Door opens. Haibo. Those layries from Tops are here now

You somehow turn left and look outside to Mr Party, who sinks in his campchair and (because you love sledging in cricket and have learned to read lips) you can see him mouth "aaaaaah lomjita. Njani"

You tell Bae "ndiyabuya mntu wam. Ingathi ikhona ingxaki" she asks (proper within tipsiness) what's happening? You give her a proper lamza and then head striaght to Mr Party. Your boi

Friend who just came in with igenge comes outside on some "Yess boys. Ithini into? Iphi shot madoda?" Mr Party looks at him and says "Mfethu what the fuck man. My girl is here dawg. What are you doing?" Gets up and throws a serious punch at his mate!! Wooow

You attempt to stop this fight between (former) rugby players but remember you're wearing a Gant golfer and step back, grab the bottle of Henny and head inside to bae. Close the sliding door behind you

Inside, you tell Bae, "baby. My shirt is too expensive for me to stop fights of comrades i dont know", before she answers, you hear one of the girls who just arrived say "Hayi kaloku tshooooomy, I've been here before mna. Many times futhi" WTF!!!!!!

You look outside and see Mr Party with his hands on his head. Yeeey man. WTF is going on here!!!!?????

You leave inside. Bae has it covered here. She's learned from you how to mediate mos. You go outside. Yhooo from frying pan into fire buddy!!

Friend that started aaaalllll this BS says (to you) "Ekse. Yi le laytie ibi braaai'a le. Mtshana. Fix lamlilo fast" Mr Party intervenes quick and says "yi grootman le" this punk responds "haaaska. Andithanga ngqa tsho ngo Gant womdubulo"

Haike. Now you are vested In this!! You look for Mr Party, homey is sunken in his campchair drinking the Jonny Black from the bottle. You look back inside and see bae deep within an argument. You have to go inside. You point at the trouble maker and say "ndiyabuya kaka"

As you open sliding door all you hear is "Whatever biiiitch. Oksalayo. I know this place" all you're thinking now is "fuck. I regret coming here. I should have just got bae an uber and gone out with ma niggas"

You tell Bae it's best y'all leave now. Bae was taking off her Zara jacket on some "Not kum kaloku rhaaaa" she leaves with you. Tells her mate "My friend. Let me leave before I get arrested for rearranging a bitch face up in this mug" Yeeey so feisty. So sexy.

You have somehow managed to still have the bottle of Henny with you. It's half full. As you are about to drivr out the complex. You think "Rhaaa ithi lantwana uGant wam ngumdubulo. Owam??? Rhaaaa" you get out and run back into the crib

As you are running back, you realise "Yeeey I might get moered proper inside there" so you slow down to a walk and text you're homies "majita. Ndiyabethwa apha. Plz help" as calls immediately come in. You ignore them

As you are about to open the door, you reckon "No man. I'm a grootman. I've got the 2 pom 5 in my Cash Send, half a Henny and my girl in the car. Let me go home" you walk back down. Into the ride and cruise home

Good night compatriots. Be safe. Wear a mask

Oh ja. This was solely for kicks. Any reference to actual places or people is coincidental. Thank you