Storytime: "11"

-Who I am and why I can't vote for Joe Biden-

**Trigger Warning**
~Sexual Assault
~Incest
~Underage drinking
~Suicidal Ideology

(Thread)

I was born into a poor, violent household. My father was a cop and a raging alcoholic. My mother was an angel and mortgage industry maven. The money my Mom made, was spent by my Dad on gambling and drinking. My youngest memories are of his drunken stupor.

My family was Republican and Catholic. I was raised in Parochial school. My grandmother was the choir and funeral director of our local parish. You could find me at the church 4x a week between faith formation and choir practices-- religion was my everything.

When I hit 6th grade, I realized I was gay. I had a high-pitched voice and wasn’t interested in anything “normal boys” were interested in or spent time doing. I tried to blend in, but, the stars of the football team chose me to be their target for humiliation.

I was really overweight and VERY gay at age 11. lol.
The football team harassed by taking my clothes from my locker while I showered, spit on me in the hallways, and threw me into trashcans while calling me a “faggot”. I had no friends and cried all the time.

Why didn’t I ask for help?
Well, I did. After I was thrown into the trashcans, I asked my PE teacher for help. He told me that since no one else would confirm my account- it would be my word against the stars of the football team. In so many words: “No one will believe you”.

The football team found out that I attempted to rat them out. They effectively organized everyone in the school to act as if I didn’t exist. I was invisible. Except to my tormentors who doubled down on my misery.

One day in the summer following 6th grade. 11 year old me went over to my distant older cousins home. This was my safe place. She knew I was gay, she knew of the violence in my home, she knew I was being bullied. I felt safe.

We played games for hours. I had a blast.

The night came so soon. We decided to play a game of truth-or-dare with my cousin's new boyfriend. Seemingly harmless at first, I was elated. The evening spiraled out of control when my cousin's boyfriend dared me to start drinking. Wanting to fit in, I obliged...

One drink, Two drinks… Too many drinks. I was gone.
The dares escalated and I became more and more uncomfortable.
“Take a piece of clothing off after every dare”, I obliged. “Touch your cousin”, I obliged. “Kiss your cousin”, I obliged. I was having an out-of-body-experience.

After hours—which felt like days— they both finished, zipped up, and left. “Don’t tell anyone. You will get in trouble and no one will believe you”, he said to me.
I felt dirty and broken. I said nothing.
My childhood at age 11, was over.

In 8th grade, I made the choice to come out as gay. I couldn’t pretend to be something I wasn’t any longer.
My extended family and church disowned me. When I thought I at least still had my religion, even that too, was gone.

I made it to high school and decided I would leave early to eventually pursue Cosmetology school. In order to support myself- I took a job and invested every fiber of my being into showing my boss tangible results. I was promoted at 18 and spent every waking moment at work.

I became a complete people pleaser. I couldn’t say no to anyone for anything. I worked more than I could physically take. I began profusely smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee in order to suppress my hunger, maintain my energy levels, and manage stress.

Just after my 19th birthday, I cracked. I stopped eating. I stopped showering. I couldn’t get out of bed. I just stopped showing up for work. I felt and looked emaciated. Colors felt muted. Scent was non-existent. Everything I heard sounded distorted.

I hit rock-bottom.

I went on a bender of no sleep for roughly three days. I laid in bed crying. Begging God I said, “Please, I'm broken and empty. I don’t have anything left in me. I just want to die. Why am I still here?”.

I fell asleep.

I slept in one of my 21 hour depression sleeps- as I had for the past six months.

In this sleep, I had the most vivid of dreams. I was living through the sexual assault again, but, this time was different. Adult me was there too and I saved me from myself.

I awoke and something was different. The fog was lifted. I had to change. What I was doing was shallow to my existence. I needed more from life. So, I searched and searched for a few years.

I was put here to make others lives better.

I enrolled in college for the first time and sought out a degree in public policy. I became invested in people again. I felt love from people who weren’t my family, especially from other men. I realized- I determine my worth.

So, where are we today?

Our current executive is racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, chauvinistic, misogynistic, and nationalistic. He is a criminal, wholly inept at running the country, and credibly accused of many sexual crimes. "Dude gotta go".

I will always believe survivors.
I believe Anita Hill. I believe Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. Also #IBelieveTaraReade
I am proud of these women for facing off against the powers against them. My heart is also with those that never received their justice.

I look at our presumptive nominee who has a long and troublesome history that mirrors many of these same grievances. The (D) and the (R) next to their names do nothing in dissuading me from these same feelings.

Taking back the White House and snatching the Senate are of the highest priorities in 2020.

25+ candidates ran for the nomination and the choice was made to coalesce under Joe Biden. We need to be sending up the strongest nominee possible and Joe Biden is not that person.

To conclude:
Stop vote shaming me. The prospect of voting between these two candidates is frankly traumatizing. I won’t vote for Joe Biden in November. If you want my vote- nominate someone else and move the party to the left.

If you made it this far: Thanks for hearing me out.

https://twitter.com/threadreaderapp/status/1255283764990750720?s=21

Here is the condensed story for easy viewing https://twitter.com/threadreaderapp/status/1255283764990750720

And a super duper special shoutout to @Vozable

I wouldn’t have taken the time to tell this story if it weren’t for him.

I am privileged to know you.