The loss of life is always hard for everyone involved. Our patients are gone, and their families are devastated. As physicians, many of us are devastated as well. We just don’t talk about it.

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It seems like maybe we don’t have a right to grieve. After all, we didn’t know the patient as well as their friends and family or for as long.

It seems selfish to grieve. Our loss is unimportant compared to theirs.

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Yesterday, I walked through our unit, a temporary ICU, noticing several empty beds. As fewer people are being admitted to the hospital with COVID, some vacated beds have remained empty.

In almost every one of those beds, there had been a patient we had lost.

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There hasn’t been a day that I’ve been in NY that we haven’t lost at least one patient in our unit. Yesterday was no exception—we lost two.

Then, as I was about to leave at the end of my shift, a patient I had been caring for took a turn for the worse.

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And then three other patients became unstable around the same time. This pandemic is surreal.

I stayed on for a few more hours to try to help the night team. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my patient, and neither was their family.

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By the time I left, they were doing a little better. I had video chatted with the patient’s family so they could speak to the patient for what might have been the last time.

They cried audibly on camera, and I cried silently off camera.

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I felt guilty for crying—as doctors, we’re supposed to be there for patients and their families. We’re supposed to be heroes.

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But I, as a human, cannot witness people facing the death of their loved one through my inadequate phone camera without feeling their love, their desperation, and the immense sense of loss.

Is this inability to disconnect is a benefit or a liability in a physician? Maybe both?

But what I do know is that taking care of patients this way, facing death and dying every day, is not healthy.

We, as physicians, don’t take care of ourselves. We don’t ask for help and we don’t ask for time off. We don’t want to burden others.

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But if you’re somewhere taking care of patients in a COVID hot spot, please take a day off. Maybe 2. As much as you don’t want to let others down, remember that people like me exist so you can have a break. So let us help you.

You have lost a lot, & you have a right to grieve.

Whether you’ve lost a patient, a friend, a colleague, or a family member, you have experienced loss. Don’t tell yourself someone else has it worse. Someone else’s condition does not negate yours. We are all suffering.

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I know it’s hard to reflect on everything awful we see. It may seem easier to just put your head down and do your work like a machine, ignoring the impact on you as a human.

But that is a strategy that will dissolve your soul. And you deserve better than that.

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If you need to talk, here is one resource:

https://twitter.com/pedsmamadoc/status/1254922168279814145?s=21 https://twitter.com/PedsMamaDoc/status/1254922168279814145

Here’s another:

https://twitter.com/imswimming3/status/1254718805068197888?s=21 https://twitter.com/imswimming3/status/1254718805068197888

Some useful resources here:

https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/covid-19-coronavirus

Also good resources here: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html

Or please pick up the phone and call anybody you like to talk to. If they don’t pick up, call someone else. No matter how you feel, you are not alone.

/fin