hmmmmm lately i never thought i would come to a point wherein i envy the beauty of my friends

is this anxiety or maybe bc i am now 20

so i have this very best friend in jhs, my twin, she is stephanie sese. maganda talaga siya, lalo na noon simple lang but she could not see that. she approached me, became friends, lagi kaming nasa bahay nila, halos doon na ako nakatira, sabay pumapasok, tambay sa tindahan nila

hindi ko alam bakit gusto niyang mapalapit sa'kin, siguro dahil sa ex ko, o dahil sikat ako sa jhs. nasa star section ako and sumasama siya sa'kin pumasok nang maaga kasi ssg ako, tapos nasa labas lang kami ng room maghihintay ng pasukan.

she's pretty pero she couldn't see that kasi lahat ng atensyon nasa akin. they said i am cute, pero ang pangit ko kaya. dinala ko siya sa church. pinalayas siya sa kanila tapos sa amin siya tumira, tinanggap siya ni mama. magkapatid na kami, we're twin nga

until we parted ways

i never see that coming, nang dahil sa kaklase ko na iniwan siya, nagsimula siyang maging revealing. she wears make up and all. she caught all of the attention, pero wala lang sa'kin 'yon if she is happy with that. we still chat naman, we both miss each other.

to be clear, i don't brag myself. i'm stating things na gano'n kasi talaga status ko dati. is this normal to feel envy? in this situation rn na baka lang kasi i feel worthless na. random thoughts or maybe i just miss my jhs friends since i came to church

ecq targets mind

when i became 18, i started wearing make up na for some reason kasi palaging ipinagpalit sa iba. i thought when i become more beautiful, they won't dump me. even my ex told me naman na maputi lang daw yung bago, i am still prettier or almost perfect.

but the point here, she still won bc u chose her over me.

since jhs, a lot of guys went obsessed daw sa akin. phones full of my photos. but i never liked them. batchmates, higher and lower years, leaders and churchmates. idk but i don't like guys who like me bc of my appearance

siguro kasi sobrang taas ng tingin ko sa sarili ko that i can't even go down and look at them. uulitin ko, i am not boasting these. these are truths na i shouldn't be proud of, i am telling the story why did i have an ego na hindi healthy.

i hope someone could understand this

do i have to look more?

shs, guys chase me kasi raw ang attractive ko. idk why, pero nag-aayos kasi ako niyan ng sarili. it took a lot of effort and time. i felt anxious bc eyes were on me or proud bc they all like me. had a lot of friends, they all want to be friends with me

what i only hate is that i wore a super fit uniform sa point na nababastos ako. oo, sexy daw ako niyan, attractive, humuhubog sa uniporme ang katawan pero nakakailang. and i don't even want to be with guys na 'yon lang ang habol

i caught even professors

what do you think with my saktong katawan, not chubby nor thin, had a good shape, pretty eyes, curly long hair and a liptint? rtu had the best uniform for gals, esp the skirt

i did that para balikan ako ni ex, but they all laughed at me kasi i cried over an ugly one, they said

i used to being an attractive one kasi sinadya ko 'yon and that is not effortless beauty. i am so vain, i cared a lot. until jason came, he said he likes simple and boyish so did i. pero he dumped me e, the same girl again na maputi. so nagpaputi ako and forgot him

hindi talaga ok maging attractive kasi nakapapahamak, maraming beses na akong napahamak. kahit latest issue ko, ito ang kaso

i had a job, all these guys were so attracted even the most handsome ones, the oppas. it's hard to feel pretty bc everytime i need to check my face sa cr

it is not so easy, until i got exhausted of maintaining the best fashion and face i used to have everyday. sumuko ako and maybe i'm so sick. i just wanna have an unbothered life, enjoy it and let someone love u for who u are

someone who'll capture the beauty i possess that no one could comprehend

so i went wearing shirts over dress, leggings over shorts/skirts, sneakers over heels. nobody noticed me bc i love being with myself only. idc about anyone, solitude. i don't have friends in college even they come near to me, messages unread, calls left unanswered, talkshit

i loved music and arts over people who will love you bc of their standards. i used to have the highest standards but now idc. people dumped, that's all i know. i learned that if you're a tree full of fruits, people will always throw stones at you to steal them. i got tired

i also had friends who were envy and so insecure at me, bc ALL of their men like me. then started to envy everything i possess. beauty destroys friendships. they all want to be like me, and they suck if the don't. i told them it's not easy to be me, also, i cleared i'm not pretty

i became simple, focus on other things and forgot about beauty. i learned to appreciate the beauty of the ugliest things. everyone is an art. i used to be all by myself, independent, college-home-church-bed. be with people but wt earphones, or at the corner.

but now, it returned

the feeling of being

idk

...

do u really have to be attractive to attract one's soul?

the attempt was bc someone made me feel worthless

that maybe i am not pretty enough to catch him

i never want to go back, i hate fame

beauty is not just in socmed or face

pls

alright, so let us just put some photos here as a timeline of my story (based on this thread)