"How's it like to live with social anxiety?" It's like being punched in the gut by an invisible force at random situations. Not fun for sure! Social anxiety isn't nervousness, it's not cute, & no I can't get over it by just practicing or by putting myself "out there" often. (1/n)

The first instance that I can remember was when I wanted to participate in my school's singing competition. I practiced, practiced & practiced. I was so excited! I remember the song - "Satyam Shivam Sundaram." I was in class 4th.

TW: Description of social anxiety triggers. (2/n)

As soon as I entered the room and saw the audience, I felt this "nervousness" that I had never felt before. I remember the feeling so vividly - the room went dark, my senses heightened, I could here & feel every single thing! I was like uncontrollable Jean Gray from X-Men! (3/n)

I felt nauseous. I felt physically sick. I was way too young to realize that I have the right to get up and leave the room. So I sat there, feeling scared, sick and helpless. Every time teacher called the name of a participant, my heartbeat would rise 10 times. (4/n)

When she said "Next is Suman" I backed out. I don't remember seeing or hearing anyone or anything. I remember walking up to the stage, facing the audience, & signing. I could neither hear my voice nor the music. I still can't remember how it ended or when I left the room. (5/n)

I was heartbroken. Why did it happen? I practiced! Next time I gathered up the courage to go up on stage to sing was in class 7. I thought, "this time I'll win!" Spoiler alert-I didn't. I don't remember much from that day either. I do remember seeing a lot of people though. (6/n)

I thought I'll get over this "nervousness" with time. I didn't. It only got worse. It was so bad that my hands would shake during roll call in college. Imagine being petrified to say "yes ma'am". Imagine practicing it in your head a thousand times & still getting it wrong. (7/n)

Everyone I talked to would say, "It's not a big deal. Everyone feels nervous doing something or the other." But it was a big deal. I started giving up on so many opportunities because of it. I wouldn't go out with my friends. Why put myself through that? (8/n)

Putting yourself out there doesn't help. Trust me I've tried. If you know someone with social anxiety, be mindful of their condition. It actually physically hurts when you're triggered or when you're going through an episode. It's like an extremely painful punch to ur gut. (9/n)

I was in Bangkok this Jan, & went to a night market. I was dancing & enjoying myself when I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. In a split second, my brain was completely aware of all the people around me. I knew if I don't get out & go to a secluded place, I'll faint. (10/n)

I started walking. With every step things around me got darker & darker. I felt this burning pain in my chest. It only stopped when I got out of that crowd. I cried myself to sleep that night. I wanted to be out there, have fun. Instead, I was in my room, feeling sick. (11/n)

Social anxiety can make a lot of things difficult. Here are a few that I have experienced -
1. Public speaking (duh!)
2. Going out for a party.
3. Entering a room full of unknown people.
4. Confronting someone, disagreeing or saying no.
5. Speaking to your boss or senior. (12/n)

6. Working while someone's watching you.
7. CC'ing your colleague in emails.
8. Speaking up in meeting/classrooms.
9.Meeting new people.
10.Eye contacts.
11.Asking doubts.
12.Being called by someone in authority (yep! my boss just saying my name would trigger me sometimes) (13/n)

Okay. I can keep going. The bottom line is, please be mindful of people in your classroom, organisations, company, home etc. Give people with social anxiety the time & space they need to speak up. Don't ask them if they want to "Add" something to the conversation. Please. (14/n)

Know that social anxiety can be extremely exhausting for the simple reason that you can't avoid social situations. Being on the street, in the metro, in office, and sometimes even with your family can be extremely triggering and tiresome. (15/n)

Hence, don't reprimand people with social anxiety for not being in touch, or not being available. With having to put our mental health at a backseat almost every day, even a simple thing like texting can feel like a lot of effort. Be patient. (16/n)

I started seeking therapy only recently & it has been helpful. For anyone going through it, there is no "cure", but you can learn to navigate it better. I know it sucks, but it WILL get better. At least on some days. Other days would suck no matter what. One day at a time. (17/n)

This is my experience. My social anxiety often overlaps with my generalised anxiety disorder and becomes difficult to say what I am experiencing is because of what. Of course, different people can have different experiences. (18/n)

I feel like, a lot of my anxiety also stems from my identity of being a queer dalit woman. The Intergenerational trauma, trying to figure who you really are and why you don't "fit in" can be daunting. But that's a conversation for some other day. (19/n)

Don't know if it's helpful for anyone or not. I just wanted this to be out there for anyone who's going through something similar. You are not alone (pun intended). Unless, you want to be, which is completely okay! (20/n)