Read on Twitter
watched some porn that unexpectedly got creepy halfway through and now I'm just so mad about this culture that we take for granted
why is this normal enough to not even be labeled
why is this normal enough to not even be labeled
I hoard porn because it makes me feel like I have a hold on that slippery side of my dysphoria where I feel like I'll never be included
(even though I already am included, and the porn doesn't actually change my inclusion or not either way??)
(even though I already am included, and the porn doesn't actually change my inclusion or not either way??)
but the hoarding of something that's got such a high rate of being unpleasant, instead of being pickier and waiting to hear about good stuff, means that I see so much garbage while I'm trying to fill that hole in my heart
it's like when I used to buy up A,AA g,ames when they were on sale, in hopes of finding something that would stimulate and excite me the way I remembered all mainstream g,ames doing when I was young and miserable
but I eventually realised that "stimulating" isn't the same thing as "pleasant", and the g,ames I found pleasant were so few and far between, and the others were so intense and compelling (in the bad way) that I was better off playing nothing at all until something good arrived
I have like 100x more fun when I daydream while fapping, rather than watching porn
but sometimes I feel this nagging resistance to using my imagination for it, and I never know why, but I go along with it anyway, and look up some porn instead, and usually just feel frantic
but sometimes I feel this nagging resistance to using my imagination for it, and I never know why, but I go along with it anyway, and look up some porn instead, and usually just feel frantic
I'm too tired for this thread now
good to think out loud though, even if I don't know where it's leading
good to think out loud though, even if I don't know where it's leading
