watched some porn that unexpectedly got creepy halfway through and now I& #39;m just so mad about this culture that we take for granted

why is this normal enough to not even be labeled
I hoard porn because it makes me feel like I have a hold on that slippery side of my dysphoria where I feel like I& #39;ll never be included

(even though I already am included, and the porn doesn& #39;t actually change my inclusion or not either way??)
but the hoarding of something that& #39;s got such a high rate of being unpleasant, instead of being pickier and waiting to hear about good stuff, means that I see so much garbage while I& #39;m trying to fill that hole in my heart
it& #39;s like when I used to buy up A,AA g,ames when they were on sale, in hopes of finding something that would stimulate and excite me the way I remembered all mainstream g,ames doing when I was young and miserable
but I eventually realised that "stimulating" isn& #39;t the same thing as "pleasant", and the g,ames I found pleasant were so few and far between, and the others were so intense and compelling (in the bad way) that I was better off playing nothing at all until something good arrived
I have like 100x more fun when I daydream while fapping, rather than watching porn

but sometimes I feel this nagging resistance to using my imagination for it, and I never know why, but I go along with it anyway, and look up some porn instead, and usually just feel frantic
I& #39;m too tired for this thread now

good to think out loud though, even if I don& #39;t know where it& #39;s leading
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